seriously, check me out!

Apr 29, 2004 15:21

am going crazy, but silently, so it's all okay. I've got this weird tic in my eyelids -- a few days ago it was my right upper lid, today it's my right lower lid -- that's been pretty consistent for about a week now. I think my body is manifesting my stress so that my mind can pretend it doesn't exist. how's that for psychobabble?

only four days of classes left until freedom (and finals, but those never bother me so much) and I have already checked out. I'm just not dealing with a lot of things I need to get done, and I feel bad -- but at the same time, I don't give a flying fuck because I need to be home with my mom. she's been under a lot of stress lately, and it's been killing me to be so far away from her. I know that there wasn't really anything I could have done to help or lessen the burden for her, but I just so desperately want to hug her right now that my throat's closing up just thinking about it.

what I hate most about mental/emotional stress is that it ends up leaking out and infecting the people around you. I guess what I mean is that Rachel and I have been having weird problems lately. I don't think they're going to be very hard to overcome, but neither one of us has been very communicative lately. I know that she's got animosity towards me for many reasons, and I used to have the same feelings towards her until I realized that it was all in my head -- it goes back to the jealousy issues we both have, I think. at least, that's what I've labelled them; we haven't really talked about it. anway, point is: I have come to terms with said issues in my head and I'm much happier and healthier because of it -- when you are aware of and acknowledge a problem or a negative trait of yours, then you know how to ignore it and shrug it off as not real or important. that's all the rationalization I've gone through, any way.
I don't think Rachel will arrive at the same conclusions, though. so instead she just lets it fester and gets kinda sulky toward me. I'm going to try and talk to her about it -- because I know I've been unavailable to her as well because of the family stress I'm under -- I know we can get over this if we just talk it out. we're awesome and she's one of my best friends. I just wish she didn't need constant reinforcement. my relationship with her is both the most natural and easy one I've ever had, and the one that needs the most upkeep. it's frustrating.

summer.summer.summer.
Alaska.Alaska.Alaska.
NOW.

I'm planning on being home May 17th. so if I haven't called you by the 18th, track my ass down and bitchslap me. (oh, uh, except I don't have an Alaska phone number any more. oops.)
here's hoping my dad lets me crash on his couch. living with my brothers is so very much not on my list of things to do.

oh! if anyone wants to know what I've been up to lately -- and something that's been making me pull my hair out -- then check out www.arts.arizona.edu/theatreinourschools/
I am co-chair of Theatre In Our Schools at the U of A -- the theatre education students sponsored the program. I made the website, which explains why it looks so sophomoric -- I had NO IDEA what I was doing. I need to find a cheap as free copy of Dreamweaver to install on my laptop so that I can make improvements on the site over the summer. I just don't want to learn code. I'm enough of a nerd as it is.
(and yes -- I made a website but I still don't know how to put a link in my LJ entry. laugh at me.)

up ahead on my calendar:
- seeing the first block of one-acts tonight at 8
- finish reading Train to Pakistan and chapters 22-27 in my Euro history text by 11am tomorrow.
- attempt to write a paper for my Geo class by noon tomorrow
- Theatre In Our Schools meeting 4pm tomorrow
- start and finish: compiling notebook and writing two months of reflections for my Educational Drama class (it's a lot worse than it sounds) by Saturday evening
- Saturday night: the boys' house party! awesome! Brian had better get laid -- if not, I'm calling 1-800-DOHIMNOW
- Sunday noonish: Stories That Soar performance I must see because Rachel and Brian are in it
- Sunday afternoon: Little Shop of Horrors strike! woo! will take for fucking ever. but, afterwards...
- pizza and beer at our house after strike! sweeeeeeeeet

and a whole lot more that I can't remember because my calendar's at home.

I need to go. this felt good. writing shit down really helps get it out of my head and off my nerves. sigh.
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