Re-reading old entries inspires new ones.
I'm approaching a lot of anniversaries now. It's hard to believe a year has passed already in some ways, but in other ways it almost feels like I've always been living like this.
I read the entry from last year's Inferno Kickoff. I was so new then. I remember Paul took me completely under his wing and introduced me to everyone. That was the night I met Joakim and Dan, and a lot of the people who would turn into very good friends. It seemed surreal at the time, and in my entry about it, I called it a "really good weekend". Reading the description though it just reminds me of "random Saturday" now. Which I am assuming is a very good thing.
I get choked up when I try reading about the abuse. I'm still working on putting it behind me, but I'm doing better. No more panic attacks, ever. Fewer nightmares. I cried for the first time (that wasn't from laughter) last Sunday when I was having mood swings. It happens when it's near the end of my treatment (I am due for one tomorrow). Kenneth has very little experience in dealing with me when I am unwell, so he did what he knew from the past when I had bad migraines, and gave me space. I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted then, but I really appreciated the thought. Not sure if I wanted company then either. After re-logic-izing myself back into my head with the help of a dear friend via chat, Ken kind of pseudo-forced me out of the house to my work's (late) holiday party. I ended up having a really good time, I'm really fond of my colleagues, and I told Kenneth how much I appreciated his little push.
I'm not sure what's happening with my treatments. I'm meeting with the doctor tomorrow to discuss. The surgeons also apparently made an appointment with me but didn't let me know. I don't want surgery now. Not when this works. Yeah I'm weird for a week, but 9 good weeks out of ten is worth it.
I've been a little cranky because I'd been working so much and missing spending weekends with Ken. He's been going out and having fun and I've been up all night working my ass off, and we'd meet on the bus home in totally different moods. We do get our time together, then I un-crank. Living with someone and spending time with someone isn't the same thing. Last night was the same, he was kind of drunk, I was completely exhausted and wanting to sit down, and when we got off the bus, the weather was about one degree, so all the snow was slushy and fluffy, and we had ourselves a snowball fight. It was hilarious. Today we hung out at home, movie, ice cream, soda, and snacks. We really eat incredibly healthfully during the week, I home-make raw protein bars and force-feed lots of veg and lean meat, but we totally cheat on the weekends. It's ok.
I control-gained a little weight to help build muscle. Nothing severe, my clothes all still fit, but going to the gym at least 2 times a week plus my quick home workouts (squats, yoga), I'm starting to feel really good in my body. I'm starting to feel and look strong. I look forward to building more strength, Ken is coaching me.
I still need to post my what happened. It will be cathartic. But it's late, I'm tired and happy, and I have to get a massive needle stuck in my hip in the morning. I should go enjoy sleeping on my tummy for the last time in a week or two.
I read the entry from last year's Inferno Kickoff. I was so new then. I remember Paul took me completely under his wing and introduced me to everyone. That was the night I met Joakim and Dan, and a lot of the people who would turn into very good friends. It seemed surreal at the time, and in my entry about it, I called it a "really good weekend". Reading the description though it just reminds me of "random Saturday" now. Which I am assuming is a very good thing.
I get choked up when I try reading about the abuse. I'm still working on putting it behind me, but I'm doing better. No more panic attacks, ever. Fewer nightmares. I cried for the first time (that wasn't from laughter) last Sunday when I was having mood swings. It happens when it's near the end of my treatment (I am due for one tomorrow). Kenneth has very little experience in dealing with me when I am unwell, so he did what he knew from the past when I had bad migraines, and gave me space. I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted then, but I really appreciated the thought. Not sure if I wanted company then either. After re-logic-izing myself back into my head with the help of a dear friend via chat, Ken kind of pseudo-forced me out of the house to my work's (late) holiday party. I ended up having a really good time, I'm really fond of my colleagues, and I told Kenneth how much I appreciated his little push.
I'm not sure what's happening with my treatments. I'm meeting with the doctor tomorrow to discuss. The surgeons also apparently made an appointment with me but didn't let me know. I don't want surgery now. Not when this works. Yeah I'm weird for a week, but 9 good weeks out of ten is worth it.
I've been a little cranky because I'd been working so much and missing spending weekends with Ken. He's been going out and having fun and I've been up all night working my ass off, and we'd meet on the bus home in totally different moods. We do get our time together, then I un-crank. Living with someone and spending time with someone isn't the same thing. Last night was the same, he was kind of drunk, I was completely exhausted and wanting to sit down, and when we got off the bus, the weather was about one degree, so all the snow was slushy and fluffy, and we had ourselves a snowball fight. It was hilarious. Today we hung out at home, movie, ice cream, soda, and snacks. We really eat incredibly healthfully during the week, I home-make raw protein bars and force-feed lots of veg and lean meat, but we totally cheat on the weekends. It's ok.
I control-gained a little weight to help build muscle. Nothing severe, my clothes all still fit, but going to the gym at least 2 times a week plus my quick home workouts (squats, yoga), I'm starting to feel really good in my body. I'm starting to feel and look strong. I look forward to building more strength, Ken is coaching me.
I still need to post my what happened. It will be cathartic. But it's late, I'm tired and happy, and I have to get a massive needle stuck in my hip in the morning. I should go enjoy sleeping on my tummy for the last time in a week or two.