ITS BEEN A WHILE
So it's been a while since I have 2 journals......
Just trying to keep my few friends on LJ up to date on my oh so BUSY life *scoffs*
So here ya go: [oh wow this is gonna be a long ass entry.]
04/07/04-----------
Today was my first day off in wut seems like forever and a year. LOL
Yesterday was John's bday. He was supposed to come over...but he didn't. Y AM I STILL SURPRISED EVERY TIME HE DOES THIS??! I mean, it litterally blows my mind. Finally he called and said that he and his dad got into a huge fight and he dind't want me to see him like that. [Yall if u were upset, wouldn't that be the 1ST place you'd wanna be??? W/your significant other?] I dunno...Maybe it's just me.
He came over eventually @ like 1 am. After I was ready to go to sleep and I was out of my cute lil outfit that I put together for him. AND HE WAS DRUNK. And I could smell the liquer on him from a mile a way I swear.
After that he went on the whole "I'm so sorry..I love you so much... please forgive me" speech. I was all like "W/E.... let's just go to sleep." I WAS SO SLEEPY YALL! Coz I had gotten off of work and then came home and got all ready and then got un-ready... RARRR... Wut is wrong w/him?!
So we woke up this morning and just chilled for a couple hours, and then he left.
It's funny, we're both off for 2 days...the same 2 days...and I bet u nething that I don't see him @ all either day.
I didn't really see him today so there's one.
Let's bet for tomorrow.
I'M SUCH AN OPTIMIST!!! haha
I talked to my guardian angel [otherwise known as Jake] tonite for a few minutes but I was on my way out the door, so I missed the real convo!
I also talked to LARRY!! YAY! I love this guy,he's the greatest. We're such great friends. It's a pity we had to break up last summer, but he was all into the drugs and stuff. Now he's stopped everything and he called me and is all excited that he cleaned up his act. It was so important to me that he took care of himself. [plus I don't wanna be datin no scary bitches lol] Neways now he's tryin to hook back up since he worked extra hard on cleanin himself up. He said he is moving to Wilmington neways.
Y is it that I never want the guys who will do nething for me??
I always gotta stay w/the one who does nuthin for me.
WTF!!!
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04/09/04-
Bout to go dancing w/Amber and Shawn... Perhaps John if he picks up his phone.
Eh...Whatever.
GOOD NEWS!!!
I'm finally getting a place of my own, like one that's totally all mine... and Ambers!! We're gettin a place @ The Glen. It's on University drive...right past the college. Right next to the mall, which is quite conveinient coz I work there!
I saw ma girl Samone today! YAY!!!! I helped her pick out her oh so gorgeous prom gown!! She looks so good in it, I was like daaaaaaang mammi! LOL! JK Samone I you!
Neways....May 1st I'm lookin to move out.... how exciting. I can't wait to get the furniture and everything, I like want to go shopping RIGHT NOW!!
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04/16/04-
Don't tell me you want out of this
Don't say it's time for us to quit
Don't say goodbye, this can't be it
Baby, please, 'cause it's not worth it
errr...
Someone pleassse explain to me why I put up with the crap I put up with.
Let's talk about JOHN for a minute.
* Never calls me when he says he will
*OH WAIT!!!! He never calls me PERIOD
* Never wants to hang out unless we're gettin drunk
* PUTS ME THROUGH MAAAAAAAD DRAMA LIKE WAY WORSE THAN THE BORO DRAMA
* I only see him like once a week if i'm LUCKY
* He stands me up at least once a week
* Everytime we get back together, he promises things will get better...
AND THEY DO!! For a week @ the most.
A FEW QUOTES FROM THE GREAT JOHN MCLEAN:
"BABY...This will all be better soon, I swear once I get my shit together,
We're gonna have the best relationship you've ever been in"
---OK SO LIKE WHEEEEEN IS THAT GONNA BE?????? >.<
"It's not you, it's me"
"You're way too good for me, you're the most incredible girl that I've
ever met. You're totally perfect."
"I can't be without you"
"I can't imagine my life without you, I want to spend the rest of it
with you"
"I love you"
"Baby...I know I don't show it alot, but really, you're the girl of my
dreams and I really love you alot. You're the only one I want."
>.<
THESE ARE THE WORDS THAT GET GIRLS.
The same words keep getting used on me by different pple. I keep falling
for it over and over.
Someone give me a heads up.
Someone tell me wuts goin on wit me and why I do this 2 myself.
The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could save the world, like I was super girl
The real me used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated
I start thinking about it, I almost forgot what it was like
To know what it feels like
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you, with you, with you
Now that I'm with you
You speak and it's like a song
And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me
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04/18/04-
BarenakedJason: This John guy's no good. He's bringing down your Xanga "UPBEATNESS"
aww...
THAT SUCKS!!
I am determined to make myself upbeat!!! I'll have to find the good in everything!!! Which i've found good in John...so I should be ok...
[Thank u Jason for bringing this to my attention coz otherwise noone would read my stupid ramblings!!! who wants to listen to a pessimist right??!]
* I CANT GET MY APARTMENT COZ NO ONE WILL COSIGN FOR ME!!
----But I am alive and ... thats about it!!! Hooray for living!!!
* 26 DAYS TIL THE BLINK CONCERT!!
---- There's nothin even remotely awful about that so ... YAY!
* 27 DAYS TIL A PERFECT CIRCLE CONCERT!!!
---- I love Maynard he is so great...again, nothing remotely awful....YAY!
* I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP, AND I HAVEN'T REALLY SLEPT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS....
---- But that means that I cant possibly be dying coz if I was i'd be.... well... NOT AWAKE...so once again HOORAY FOR LIVING!
* I AM GETTING THIS AWFUL COLD... AND THIS HORRIBLE TEMPER/EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT PROBLEM DUE TO EXTREME INSOMNIA
---- But at least i'm drifting off for 5 minutes at a time...every minute counts!! YAY FOR MINUTES!
* MY B/F KINDA SUCKS!!
---- But i'm totally NOT single.... HOORAY FOR SUCKY BOYFRIENDS!
THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY SARCASTIC ENTRY I'VE EVER WRITTEN!!!!
BUT! It's so totally upbeat... Maybe I should insert the word "like" alot more and then it would sound happier!
OK SO LIKE BYYYYE FOR NOW GUYS~!
YALL ARE LIKE SOOOO TOTALLY FABULOUS I COULD LIKE HUG YALL FOREVER!
LIKE! YEAH!
*sigh....*
LIKE XOXOOXOX
AND LIKE :) AND STUFF
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4/21/04-
"WhY DoN't YoU CaLL Me BaCk WhEn U FiGuRe OuT HoW 2 Be A ReAl BoYfRiEnD."
I did it.
And would u believe like less than an our later someone asked me for my # and bought me a couple shots of tequila?? Why didn't I do this forever ago?! I COULD'VE BEEN DRINKING SO MUCH MORE TEQUILA THAN I HAVE BEEN!!!!!
But ya know....this feels really good.
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4/28/04-
DaTe ToNiGhT!
oMfG... Haven't been on one of those since before GrAdUaTiOn!
Watch me mess it all up... WiSh Me LoTsA lUcK~ i KnOw I'Ll NeEd It!!!!
LMAO!!!
Whoooo!
(Details l8r!)
xoxoxoxxx
~MoI*
PS... Randall*** Sorry about that slip up on my quiz, you're totally right, you've never turned your back on me!!! AH!! *bangs head up against wall violently*
love u lotts
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05/01/04-
I GUESS noone wished me luck coz my date SUCKED.
The dinner was fabulous...
and then John called me and I didn't answer it...... HoWeVeR! He just didn't feel like taking no for an answer and he kept calling me, so finally I picked up. [I know, yall are wondering why I dind't just turn my phone off. COZ I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.] Anyway, so he starts like, SOBBING, like hardcore crying, and telling me that he can't stand being without me and that he hates not being able to see my face and everything. I'm like w/e... I was like "Look , what do you WANT from me? I've given you EVERYTHING I can possibly give, and all you wanted to do was push me further and further away. and now that I'm finally tryin to move on, you wanna step to me and say this BS?! Get over yourself, you're NOT that good of a liar. and I dont' believe for one second that you can't go on without me"
But I guess somehow it got to me coz it's not like I don't CARE nemore about him, I DO care and that's why this is so hard for me. Neways, so my date dropped me back off at my house, very understandingly [but he was a little pissed too.]
SO how 'bout John calls me the next morning and is all like "Hey I really want to see you right now, I think we need to talk" I"m like "HOLY HELL it's fucking 8 in the morning!!! and I'm about to go to work!"And he is like "Well i'm coming over and we're gonna settle this" and i'm like "Ok........I guess I don't have a choice."
So he comes over and he's all "I want you forever! I'll do anything!! I LOVE YOU! You're the ONE! We should get married!!!" and i'm like "MaRrIeD???"
I aM nOt GeTtInG eNgAgEd!!! WTF i'm 18! Jesus I don't even really neeed to HAVE a b/f!!!! [Plus i've been there once already and I am just NOT going there again. I'm not completely over it all yet.but i'm gettin there]
you light me up and then I fall for you
you lay me down and then I call for you
stumbling on reasons that are far and few
I'd let it all come down and then some for you
pretty baby don't you leave me
I have been saving smiles for you
pretty baby why can't you see
you're the one that I belong to
I'm be the embrace that keeps you warm
for you're the sun that breaks the storm
I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound
as long as you keep comin' round, oh pretty baby
and I know things can't last forever
but there are lessons that you'll never learn
oh just the scent of you it makes me hurt
so how's it you that makes me better
chorus
why can't you hold me and never let go
when you touch me it is me that you own
pretty baby of the place that you hold in my heart
would you break it apart again ... oh pretty baby
chorus
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05/04/04-
It breaks me down. It makes me weep.
Why am I doomed to be your tourniquet, even when I sleep?
These strings that I am tangled in, you refuse to cut.
Here I am, just dangling here from the slicing strings-
Why can't you just throw me away, or at least stop the sting?
This is like a disney movie. A horror that I cannot escape.
All my efforts are silly and in vain.
You continue to play with me, you use me for all that i'm worth.
After all i'm just your little puppet, and i'll do all that you say.
Didn't you ever watch Puppetmaster?
I'll get back at you for this, you bastard.
This is nothing new to me,
After all, I've never been free
But I always get I what I want, or at least what I need.
I need you dead to me, yet I want you to never leave
I close my hollow eyes and I see me floating, free, without you
Happy.
A word I haven't used lately.
A word I haven't abused lately.
Something I haven't felt since our first kiss, baby.
The feeling just isn't there anymore,
You can't keep doing this like you still care.
Just cut these strings, throw me away.
Yes it will hurt me, but it kills me more to stay.
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05/07/04-
Hey wuts up yall?
Not much here except for that I'm visiting the BoRo!!! YAY!!!
Holla if you wanna chill
910-520-9021
I came home coz I've had sum major problems goin on in my life and in my head. It's funny how things happen. It's always the same. I was fine in high school up to about 11th grade. I was always going to church and even when things weren't going my way, I was kinda...happy in a certain way. Then I stopped going one day and ever since then, my life has been on this continuous downward spiral. Ever since Nate and I broke up last April, almost nothing has really worked out for me. I have this never ending feeling of impending doom forever looming over me and it's driving me crazy!!! I want to poke my own eye out sumtimes!!!! So I decided to put the peices together and actually do sumthin about this. I'm never gonna find real happiness OR real love unless i'm right with myself and with my spiritual/religious life. That's just how it is, or at least for me neways.
I talked to John last nite and he was talkin about how he was tired of living how he lives too. He was talking about going to church and stuff. I was like "WOW." But I mean, I don't know wut to do. He's been such a jerk to me before, but before, he wasn't on a self improvement cycle. AAAH! I'm going insane!!
~Yesterday I bought Shawn his bday presents!! I went to Spencer's and got him sum shot glasses, a pink hat that says "Who's your Daddy?" on it, a button that says 69 and a keychain that says: "Finally 21 and legally able to do everything i've been doing since I was 14." LOL! And of course a signiture bday card, ha! It is all like "This card is from a virgin!" on the front, and then when you open it, it goes "I BORROWED IT!" haha
He should get a kick out of it.
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05/14/04-
HEY WUTS UP??!
Just got home from a fabulous weekend...
Saw BLINK 182on Wednesday with Dustin, Jackie and Jenn. WhAt A gReAt ShOw! They opened with "Feeling this" and closed with the ever famous "Dammit" and they played the intro and chorus to M & Ms...! The show was almost as great as they did in 2001 when I saw them.
Aww... I love Travis!!
Neways...Taking Back Sunday opened for them...THEY WERE AWESOME TOO!
Cypress Hill SUCKED
Then last nite I saw A PERFECT CIRCLE at the RBC Center WOW!! OMG it has got to be the best live show i've ever seen. The effects and lighting were awesome and Maynard definitley took his shirt off during "Thinking Of You" [I LOVE THAT SONG] and i was like "OMFG!"
The only thing is that Nate used to listen to APC all the time and he used to sing a bunch of the songs to me, and so I was all 1/2 depressed and in "think/regret mode"for almost the entire thing. But no worries, nothing could ruin that nite for me.
Burning Brides opened for them... They were ok.
I DUNNO... for once in my life I actually feel like being independent and alone.And I have FUN when I'm alone! And I also realized that dwelling on my problems and my past does me absolutely NO good.
UPDATE: I got this from Chris's Site:
My 50 most favorite songs
1]Tool: Schism
2]Perfect Circle: Thinking of You
3]Blink 182: First Date
4]Britney Spears: Early Morning
5]Violent Femmes: Blister in the Sun
6]The Doors: Hello I Love You
7]Macy Gray: I Try
8]Eagle Eye Cherry: Save Tonight
9]Staci Orrico: Stuck
10]Blink 182: Feeling This
11]Green Day: Basket Case
12]Belinda Carlisle: Heaven is a Place on Earth
13]Lil Kim and 50 Cent: Magic Stick
14]Jay Z:Dirt off your Shoulders
15]Hot Action Cop: Feva for the Flava
16]Smashing Pumpkins: 1979
17]Tom Petty: The Waiting
18]Britney Spears: Baby One More Time
19]David Bowie: Rebel Rebel
20]Fenix TX: Minimum Wage
21]Warrant: When I'm With You
22]The Divinyls: I Touch Myself
23]The Meat Puppets: Lake of Fire
24]Nirvana: Lithium
24]Blink 182: M & Ms
25]Bowling For Soup: SuckerPunch
26]The Used: The Taste of Ink
27]Barry Manilow: Mandy
28]Perfect Circle: 3 Libras
29]AFI: Miseria Cantare
30]New Found Glory:Sincerely Me
31]Sugarcult:Pretty Girl
32]Zwan: Baby Let's Rock
33]Hot Hot Heat: Talk to me Dance with Me
34]Jewel: You were Meant For Me
35]Evanescence:My Immortal
36]Iron Maiden: The Number of the Beast
37]Bowling for Soup: Girl all the Bad guys Want
38]Weezer: Falling For You
39]Evanescence:Tourniquet
40]SilverChair: Israels Son
41]Simple Plan:I'd do nething
42]The Vandals:Jackass
43]The Donna's: I didn't like you anyway
44]Sum 41: In too Deep
45]Spin Doctors: 2 Princes
46]The Verve Pipe: Hero
47]The Verve: Lucky man
48]Jill Sobule:Good Person Inside
49]Erykah Badu: Call Tyrone
50]MXPX: Is the answer in the question?
--------------------------------------------------------------
05/17/04-
ok
so my MOM: former hippie/fortune teller/astrologer has turned all neo-christian and all she can say to me about any of my problems that Christ is coming and that my problems are nothing bcoz of this.
Is it just me or is the apocolypse and rapture like NOT the only thing that's on our minds?
she keeps telling me that i'm gonna get "left behind" bcoz i'm "living a sinful life."
*ROLLS EYES*
a sinful life?
as opossed to???-----
Turning everyone away that ever tried to influence her religiously, including ME
Reading tarot cards for pple most of her life since way before I was even THOUGHT OF
Obsessing over Astrology [which is clearly stated in the Bible to be "the work of the devil"]
Where did she get most of her biblical knowledge from?? MEEE
Who went to church like ALL the time while living with her? ME
Who listened to Christian music and tried to tell her about God? ME
AND now, finally, i'm having sum fun with my life. Getting out there and DOING things instead of being cooped up in the house all the time under someone's thumb, and i'm "living a sinful life" and "on the road to getting left behind."
Not just this, but she's also convinced that everyone and everything else on the face of the planet is completely evil. [Probable reasons why she thought Nate was evil too, even tho Nate was totally Christian]
I think its' absolutely fabulous that she's found God and Jesus... but today she told me this story about how she was praying and she could feel his skirt [God wears a skirt??] touching her face and how she was all amazed about how large his feet were. [wtf...God is the Holy Spirit, right? meaning--- there is no BODY or human form for a spirit...so how can a holy spirit be wearing a skirt?]
WHATEVER
----------------------------------------------------------------------
05/18/04-
Wuts good?
NOT alot here.
I'm slowly going insane.
WoRk: Doesn't appreciate me. I got written up for this stupid ass reason. Something I didn't even do. WTF man. I work my ASS for that stupid store.
I take my job more seriously than I take myself or my life. I fucking LOVE my job. WHATEVER.
Why was life easier for me in JVILLE, when I hated it there? I love it here, and everything has to SUCK ASS!!
THEY CUT MY HOURS so now I can't afford my bills. RIGHT when I have to move out soon. SO noooow i'm gonna have to get desperate and work at Hooters or sumthing.
I kinda hate being single...sort of.
But on the other hand, i'm not as dissapointed as I have been the past few months.
At least i'm getting tickets to see Britney Spears lol!!!!
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05/19/04-
How is it that I got more comments from saying that i'm going to see britney than I did for going to see A Perfect Circle and Blink?? How odd considering Blink and APC are way better than Britney!! LOL
Just an observation
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*Grins* Wuts up guys and gals?? [wtf...y am i still awake?!!!...thats wut i get for graduating and taking a year off. LOL]
I applied at Sticky Fingers earlier today ... I hope I get the job. The manager seemed really nice. Hopefully he liked me or sumthin and he calls me back. He said I did a great job on the interview.
John is really sick... he was like "I have lung cancer!" i'm like "DON'T SAY THAT, STUPID"
LOL
Pointless update I suppose....
Lyric of the day:
WAR IS COOOMMING!!!!!
Six Feet Under
haha
haven't listen't to them in... FOREVER.
later on
me
THERE'S MY LIFE SINCE LAST WE SPOKE... IN A NUTSHELL :)
LATESSSSS
me
Just trying to keep my few friends on LJ up to date on my oh so BUSY life *scoffs*
So here ya go: [oh wow this is gonna be a long ass entry.]
04/07/04-----------
Today was my first day off in wut seems like forever and a year. LOL
Yesterday was John's bday. He was supposed to come over...but he didn't. Y AM I STILL SURPRISED EVERY TIME HE DOES THIS??! I mean, it litterally blows my mind. Finally he called and said that he and his dad got into a huge fight and he dind't want me to see him like that. [Yall if u were upset, wouldn't that be the 1ST place you'd wanna be??? W/your significant other?] I dunno...Maybe it's just me.
He came over eventually @ like 1 am. After I was ready to go to sleep and I was out of my cute lil outfit that I put together for him. AND HE WAS DRUNK. And I could smell the liquer on him from a mile a way I swear.
After that he went on the whole "I'm so sorry..I love you so much... please forgive me" speech. I was all like "W/E.... let's just go to sleep." I WAS SO SLEEPY YALL! Coz I had gotten off of work and then came home and got all ready and then got un-ready... RARRR... Wut is wrong w/him?!
So we woke up this morning and just chilled for a couple hours, and then he left.
It's funny, we're both off for 2 days...the same 2 days...and I bet u nething that I don't see him @ all either day.
I didn't really see him today so there's one.
Let's bet for tomorrow.
I'M SUCH AN OPTIMIST!!! haha
I talked to my guardian angel [otherwise known as Jake] tonite for a few minutes but I was on my way out the door, so I missed the real convo!
I also talked to LARRY!! YAY! I love this guy,he's the greatest. We're such great friends. It's a pity we had to break up last summer, but he was all into the drugs and stuff. Now he's stopped everything and he called me and is all excited that he cleaned up his act. It was so important to me that he took care of himself. [plus I don't wanna be datin no scary bitches lol] Neways now he's tryin to hook back up since he worked extra hard on cleanin himself up. He said he is moving to Wilmington neways.
Y is it that I never want the guys who will do nething for me??
I always gotta stay w/the one who does nuthin for me.
WTF!!!
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04/09/04-
Bout to go dancing w/Amber and Shawn... Perhaps John if he picks up his phone.
Eh...Whatever.
GOOD NEWS!!!
I'm finally getting a place of my own, like one that's totally all mine... and Ambers!! We're gettin a place @ The Glen. It's on University drive...right past the college. Right next to the mall, which is quite conveinient coz I work there!
I saw ma girl Samone today! YAY!!!! I helped her pick out her oh so gorgeous prom gown!! She looks so good in it, I was like daaaaaaang mammi! LOL! JK Samone I you!
Neways....May 1st I'm lookin to move out.... how exciting. I can't wait to get the furniture and everything, I like want to go shopping RIGHT NOW!!
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04/16/04-
Don't tell me you want out of this
Don't say it's time for us to quit
Don't say goodbye, this can't be it
Baby, please, 'cause it's not worth it
errr...
Someone pleassse explain to me why I put up with the crap I put up with.
Let's talk about JOHN for a minute.
* Never calls me when he says he will
*OH WAIT!!!! He never calls me PERIOD
* Never wants to hang out unless we're gettin drunk
* PUTS ME THROUGH MAAAAAAAD DRAMA LIKE WAY WORSE THAN THE BORO DRAMA
* I only see him like once a week if i'm LUCKY
* He stands me up at least once a week
* Everytime we get back together, he promises things will get better...
AND THEY DO!! For a week @ the most.
A FEW QUOTES FROM THE GREAT JOHN MCLEAN:
"BABY...This will all be better soon, I swear once I get my shit together,
We're gonna have the best relationship you've ever been in"
---OK SO LIKE WHEEEEEN IS THAT GONNA BE?????? >.<
"It's not you, it's me"
"You're way too good for me, you're the most incredible girl that I've
ever met. You're totally perfect."
"I can't be without you"
"I can't imagine my life without you, I want to spend the rest of it
with you"
"I love you"
"Baby...I know I don't show it alot, but really, you're the girl of my
dreams and I really love you alot. You're the only one I want."
>.<
THESE ARE THE WORDS THAT GET GIRLS.
The same words keep getting used on me by different pple. I keep falling
for it over and over.
Someone give me a heads up.
Someone tell me wuts goin on wit me and why I do this 2 myself.
The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could save the world, like I was super girl
The real me used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated
I start thinking about it, I almost forgot what it was like
To know what it feels like
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you, with you, with you
Now that I'm with you
You speak and it's like a song
And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me
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04/18/04-
BarenakedJason: This John guy's no good. He's bringing down your Xanga "UPBEATNESS"
aww...
THAT SUCKS!!
I am determined to make myself upbeat!!! I'll have to find the good in everything!!! Which i've found good in John...so I should be ok...
[Thank u Jason for bringing this to my attention coz otherwise noone would read my stupid ramblings!!! who wants to listen to a pessimist right??!]
* I CANT GET MY APARTMENT COZ NO ONE WILL COSIGN FOR ME!!
----But I am alive and ... thats about it!!! Hooray for living!!!
* 26 DAYS TIL THE BLINK CONCERT!!
---- There's nothin even remotely awful about that so ... YAY!
* 27 DAYS TIL A PERFECT CIRCLE CONCERT!!!
---- I love Maynard he is so great...again, nothing remotely awful....YAY!
* I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP, AND I HAVEN'T REALLY SLEPT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS....
---- But that means that I cant possibly be dying coz if I was i'd be.... well... NOT AWAKE...so once again HOORAY FOR LIVING!
* I AM GETTING THIS AWFUL COLD... AND THIS HORRIBLE TEMPER/EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT PROBLEM DUE TO EXTREME INSOMNIA
---- But at least i'm drifting off for 5 minutes at a time...every minute counts!! YAY FOR MINUTES!
* MY B/F KINDA SUCKS!!
---- But i'm totally NOT single.... HOORAY FOR SUCKY BOYFRIENDS!
THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY SARCASTIC ENTRY I'VE EVER WRITTEN!!!!
BUT! It's so totally upbeat... Maybe I should insert the word "like" alot more and then it would sound happier!
OK SO LIKE BYYYYE FOR NOW GUYS~!
YALL ARE LIKE SOOOO TOTALLY FABULOUS I COULD LIKE HUG YALL FOREVER!
LIKE! YEAH!
*sigh....*
LIKE XOXOOXOX
AND LIKE :) AND STUFF
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4/21/04-
"WhY DoN't YoU CaLL Me BaCk WhEn U FiGuRe OuT HoW 2 Be A ReAl BoYfRiEnD."
I did it.
And would u believe like less than an our later someone asked me for my # and bought me a couple shots of tequila?? Why didn't I do this forever ago?! I COULD'VE BEEN DRINKING SO MUCH MORE TEQUILA THAN I HAVE BEEN!!!!!
But ya know....this feels really good.
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4/28/04-
DaTe ToNiGhT!
oMfG... Haven't been on one of those since before GrAdUaTiOn!
Watch me mess it all up... WiSh Me LoTsA lUcK~ i KnOw I'Ll NeEd It!!!!
LMAO!!!
Whoooo!
(Details l8r!)
xoxoxoxxx
~MoI*
PS... Randall*** Sorry about that slip up on my quiz, you're totally right, you've never turned your back on me!!! AH!! *bangs head up against wall violently*
love u lotts
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05/01/04-
I GUESS noone wished me luck coz my date SUCKED.
The dinner was fabulous...
and then John called me and I didn't answer it...... HoWeVeR! He just didn't feel like taking no for an answer and he kept calling me, so finally I picked up. [I know, yall are wondering why I dind't just turn my phone off. COZ I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.] Anyway, so he starts like, SOBBING, like hardcore crying, and telling me that he can't stand being without me and that he hates not being able to see my face and everything. I'm like w/e... I was like "Look , what do you WANT from me? I've given you EVERYTHING I can possibly give, and all you wanted to do was push me further and further away. and now that I'm finally tryin to move on, you wanna step to me and say this BS?! Get over yourself, you're NOT that good of a liar. and I dont' believe for one second that you can't go on without me"
But I guess somehow it got to me coz it's not like I don't CARE nemore about him, I DO care and that's why this is so hard for me. Neways, so my date dropped me back off at my house, very understandingly [but he was a little pissed too.]
SO how 'bout John calls me the next morning and is all like "Hey I really want to see you right now, I think we need to talk" I"m like "HOLY HELL it's fucking 8 in the morning!!! and I'm about to go to work!"And he is like "Well i'm coming over and we're gonna settle this" and i'm like "Ok........I guess I don't have a choice."
So he comes over and he's all "I want you forever! I'll do anything!! I LOVE YOU! You're the ONE! We should get married!!!" and i'm like "MaRrIeD???"
I aM nOt GeTtInG eNgAgEd!!! WTF i'm 18! Jesus I don't even really neeed to HAVE a b/f!!!! [Plus i've been there once already and I am just NOT going there again. I'm not completely over it all yet.but i'm gettin there]
you light me up and then I fall for you
you lay me down and then I call for you
stumbling on reasons that are far and few
I'd let it all come down and then some for you
pretty baby don't you leave me
I have been saving smiles for you
pretty baby why can't you see
you're the one that I belong to
I'm be the embrace that keeps you warm
for you're the sun that breaks the storm
I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound
as long as you keep comin' round, oh pretty baby
and I know things can't last forever
but there are lessons that you'll never learn
oh just the scent of you it makes me hurt
so how's it you that makes me better
chorus
why can't you hold me and never let go
when you touch me it is me that you own
pretty baby of the place that you hold in my heart
would you break it apart again ... oh pretty baby
chorus
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05/04/04-
It breaks me down. It makes me weep.
Why am I doomed to be your tourniquet, even when I sleep?
These strings that I am tangled in, you refuse to cut.
Here I am, just dangling here from the slicing strings-
Why can't you just throw me away, or at least stop the sting?
This is like a disney movie. A horror that I cannot escape.
All my efforts are silly and in vain.
You continue to play with me, you use me for all that i'm worth.
After all i'm just your little puppet, and i'll do all that you say.
Didn't you ever watch Puppetmaster?
I'll get back at you for this, you bastard.
This is nothing new to me,
After all, I've never been free
But I always get I what I want, or at least what I need.
I need you dead to me, yet I want you to never leave
I close my hollow eyes and I see me floating, free, without you
Happy.
A word I haven't used lately.
A word I haven't abused lately.
Something I haven't felt since our first kiss, baby.
The feeling just isn't there anymore,
You can't keep doing this like you still care.
Just cut these strings, throw me away.
Yes it will hurt me, but it kills me more to stay.
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05/07/04-
Hey wuts up yall?
Not much here except for that I'm visiting the BoRo!!! YAY!!!
Holla if you wanna chill
910-520-9021
I came home coz I've had sum major problems goin on in my life and in my head. It's funny how things happen. It's always the same. I was fine in high school up to about 11th grade. I was always going to church and even when things weren't going my way, I was kinda...happy in a certain way. Then I stopped going one day and ever since then, my life has been on this continuous downward spiral. Ever since Nate and I broke up last April, almost nothing has really worked out for me. I have this never ending feeling of impending doom forever looming over me and it's driving me crazy!!! I want to poke my own eye out sumtimes!!!! So I decided to put the peices together and actually do sumthin about this. I'm never gonna find real happiness OR real love unless i'm right with myself and with my spiritual/religious life. That's just how it is, or at least for me neways.
I talked to John last nite and he was talkin about how he was tired of living how he lives too. He was talking about going to church and stuff. I was like "WOW." But I mean, I don't know wut to do. He's been such a jerk to me before, but before, he wasn't on a self improvement cycle. AAAH! I'm going insane!!
~Yesterday I bought Shawn his bday presents!! I went to Spencer's and got him sum shot glasses, a pink hat that says "Who's your Daddy?" on it, a button that says 69 and a keychain that says: "Finally 21 and legally able to do everything i've been doing since I was 14." LOL! And of course a signiture bday card, ha! It is all like "This card is from a virgin!" on the front, and then when you open it, it goes "I BORROWED IT!" haha
He should get a kick out of it.
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05/14/04-
HEY WUTS UP??!
Just got home from a fabulous weekend...
Saw BLINK 182on Wednesday with Dustin, Jackie and Jenn. WhAt A gReAt ShOw! They opened with "Feeling this" and closed with the ever famous "Dammit" and they played the intro and chorus to M & Ms...! The show was almost as great as they did in 2001 when I saw them.
Aww... I love Travis!!
Neways...Taking Back Sunday opened for them...THEY WERE AWESOME TOO!
Cypress Hill SUCKED
Then last nite I saw A PERFECT CIRCLE at the RBC Center WOW!! OMG it has got to be the best live show i've ever seen. The effects and lighting were awesome and Maynard definitley took his shirt off during "Thinking Of You" [I LOVE THAT SONG] and i was like "OMFG!"
The only thing is that Nate used to listen to APC all the time and he used to sing a bunch of the songs to me, and so I was all 1/2 depressed and in "think/regret mode"for almost the entire thing. But no worries, nothing could ruin that nite for me.
Burning Brides opened for them... They were ok.
I DUNNO... for once in my life I actually feel like being independent and alone.And I have FUN when I'm alone! And I also realized that dwelling on my problems and my past does me absolutely NO good.
UPDATE: I got this from Chris's Site:
My 50 most favorite songs
1]Tool: Schism
2]Perfect Circle: Thinking of You
3]Blink 182: First Date
4]Britney Spears: Early Morning
5]Violent Femmes: Blister in the Sun
6]The Doors: Hello I Love You
7]Macy Gray: I Try
8]Eagle Eye Cherry: Save Tonight
9]Staci Orrico: Stuck
10]Blink 182: Feeling This
11]Green Day: Basket Case
12]Belinda Carlisle: Heaven is a Place on Earth
13]Lil Kim and 50 Cent: Magic Stick
14]Jay Z:Dirt off your Shoulders
15]Hot Action Cop: Feva for the Flava
16]Smashing Pumpkins: 1979
17]Tom Petty: The Waiting
18]Britney Spears: Baby One More Time
19]David Bowie: Rebel Rebel
20]Fenix TX: Minimum Wage
21]Warrant: When I'm With You
22]The Divinyls: I Touch Myself
23]The Meat Puppets: Lake of Fire
24]Nirvana: Lithium
24]Blink 182: M & Ms
25]Bowling For Soup: SuckerPunch
26]The Used: The Taste of Ink
27]Barry Manilow: Mandy
28]Perfect Circle: 3 Libras
29]AFI: Miseria Cantare
30]New Found Glory:Sincerely Me
31]Sugarcult:Pretty Girl
32]Zwan: Baby Let's Rock
33]Hot Hot Heat: Talk to me Dance with Me
34]Jewel: You were Meant For Me
35]Evanescence:My Immortal
36]Iron Maiden: The Number of the Beast
37]Bowling for Soup: Girl all the Bad guys Want
38]Weezer: Falling For You
39]Evanescence:Tourniquet
40]SilverChair: Israels Son
41]Simple Plan:I'd do nething
42]The Vandals:Jackass
43]The Donna's: I didn't like you anyway
44]Sum 41: In too Deep
45]Spin Doctors: 2 Princes
46]The Verve Pipe: Hero
47]The Verve: Lucky man
48]Jill Sobule:Good Person Inside
49]Erykah Badu: Call Tyrone
50]MXPX: Is the answer in the question?
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05/17/04-
ok
so my MOM: former hippie/fortune teller/astrologer has turned all neo-christian and all she can say to me about any of my problems that Christ is coming and that my problems are nothing bcoz of this.
Is it just me or is the apocolypse and rapture like NOT the only thing that's on our minds?
she keeps telling me that i'm gonna get "left behind" bcoz i'm "living a sinful life."
*ROLLS EYES*
a sinful life?
as opossed to???-----
Turning everyone away that ever tried to influence her religiously, including ME
Reading tarot cards for pple most of her life since way before I was even THOUGHT OF
Obsessing over Astrology [which is clearly stated in the Bible to be "the work of the devil"]
Where did she get most of her biblical knowledge from?? MEEE
Who went to church like ALL the time while living with her? ME
Who listened to Christian music and tried to tell her about God? ME
AND now, finally, i'm having sum fun with my life. Getting out there and DOING things instead of being cooped up in the house all the time under someone's thumb, and i'm "living a sinful life" and "on the road to getting left behind."
Not just this, but she's also convinced that everyone and everything else on the face of the planet is completely evil. [Probable reasons why she thought Nate was evil too, even tho Nate was totally Christian]
I think its' absolutely fabulous that she's found God and Jesus... but today she told me this story about how she was praying and she could feel his skirt [God wears a skirt??] touching her face and how she was all amazed about how large his feet were. [wtf...God is the Holy Spirit, right? meaning--- there is no BODY or human form for a spirit...so how can a holy spirit be wearing a skirt?]
WHATEVER
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05/18/04-
Wuts good?
NOT alot here.
I'm slowly going insane.
WoRk: Doesn't appreciate me. I got written up for this stupid ass reason. Something I didn't even do. WTF man. I work my ASS for that stupid store.
I take my job more seriously than I take myself or my life. I fucking LOVE my job. WHATEVER.
Why was life easier for me in JVILLE, when I hated it there? I love it here, and everything has to SUCK ASS!!
THEY CUT MY HOURS so now I can't afford my bills. RIGHT when I have to move out soon. SO noooow i'm gonna have to get desperate and work at Hooters or sumthing.
I kinda hate being single...sort of.
But on the other hand, i'm not as dissapointed as I have been the past few months.
At least i'm getting tickets to see Britney Spears lol!!!!
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05/19/04-
How is it that I got more comments from saying that i'm going to see britney than I did for going to see A Perfect Circle and Blink?? How odd considering Blink and APC are way better than Britney!! LOL
Just an observation
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*Grins* Wuts up guys and gals?? [wtf...y am i still awake?!!!...thats wut i get for graduating and taking a year off. LOL]
I applied at Sticky Fingers earlier today ... I hope I get the job. The manager seemed really nice. Hopefully he liked me or sumthin and he calls me back. He said I did a great job on the interview.
John is really sick... he was like "I have lung cancer!" i'm like "DON'T SAY THAT, STUPID"
LOL
Pointless update I suppose....
Lyric of the day:
WAR IS COOOMMING!!!!!
Six Feet Under
haha
haven't listen't to them in... FOREVER.
later on
me
THERE'S MY LIFE SINCE LAST WE SPOKE... IN A NUTSHELL :)
LATESSSSS
me