VACATION MADNESS!
OMG...
I went to Wilmington with Randall to visit my aunt coz she got really sick. Well she got better and Randall and I went to chill with Brian at Devin's house. I got real wasted and like, Brian kissed me... I was like *ooookay?* wtf? Ya know, coz he has a g/f!! I felt like such a homewrecker!!!
Well, Brian told me that he was gonna tell her, coz I mean, I felt so horrible, I was like OMG... SO I didn't tell her. But she stayed the night with him and I was staying at his house too coz I didn't have newhere else to stay, and he went to sleep and Jen stayed up and started talking to me about stuff. And she was just like "Man...I have this horrible feeling that he's gonna cheat on me, but like, I trust him and I just don't know..." and it was awful, coz she's such a sweetheart!!! And I wanted to tell her so bad, but like, I didn't.
And then me and Jen and Brian went to this party the next day and I drank so much, I was so depressed about life in general. Like Josh is totally stressing me out. I mean, wtf is his deal? How can u be SO CLOSE, the closest humanly possible to be to someone and then not even be able TO LOOK at them nemore? What's wrong with me?? I keep telling myself over and over that it's his loss, but then... WHY am I the one stressin and crying myself to sleep almost every night??? Neway, I couldn't stop thinking about him and I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't handle it!! And so I drank a PJ, [everclear/vodka/fruit punh]a beer, a screwdriver,[vodka/orange juice], rum and coke, and Jack Daniels, and then just straight Vodka.... NEway... I was reaaaaaal like, dizzy and it was horrible!!! But I didn't think about Josh the entire time!!! Me and Harris stayed up and played 2 games of Go Fish and then I was like "I think I have to use the bathroom." and then I stood up and fell on my face! I think I passed out right then for a minute coz I woke up and Harris was shaking me and he was like "APRIL! APRIL! WAKE UP GIRL!" and I was like what? lol and then He carried me to the bathroom and sat with me for like 2 hours. He was a real sweetie.
The next day I had a hangover from hell, but I hung out with Derek... which was real awkward kinda, coz I haven't seen him since we dated my sophmore year. [We dated for like 2 yrs almost]and it was just like no time had gone by at all. He was still the same guy. Same baby blue sky eyes, same deep tan. Same guy that I fell in love with for the first time. I was freaking out in my head. It was awful. When we said goodbye I didn't know what to do. Usually we would kiss, but we're not together and it was strange breaking the habit.
Me and Jessi hung out last night and we talked about it all. Josh was alot of it. Always JOSH... I called him and he wasn't so sweet as candy as I wanted to pretend he always was. And I cried AGAIN over him and I just wished that I would've never moved to Jacksonville bcoz of all the hurt that I've had here. I just don't even know who I am nemore.
Jen gave me a ride back today and it was great to talk to her. She's alot like me, it's crazy.
I don't know nemore at all. I just don't know.
Later.
*BuTtErFlY*
When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb
To overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined
I could keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart
Will lead you back to me
When you're ready to land
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt
From almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
(Fly to the sun)
If you should return to me
(I will know you were mine)
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
(Spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
I went to Wilmington with Randall to visit my aunt coz she got really sick. Well she got better and Randall and I went to chill with Brian at Devin's house. I got real wasted and like, Brian kissed me... I was like *ooookay?* wtf? Ya know, coz he has a g/f!! I felt like such a homewrecker!!!
Well, Brian told me that he was gonna tell her, coz I mean, I felt so horrible, I was like OMG... SO I didn't tell her. But she stayed the night with him and I was staying at his house too coz I didn't have newhere else to stay, and he went to sleep and Jen stayed up and started talking to me about stuff. And she was just like "Man...I have this horrible feeling that he's gonna cheat on me, but like, I trust him and I just don't know..." and it was awful, coz she's such a sweetheart!!! And I wanted to tell her so bad, but like, I didn't.
And then me and Jen and Brian went to this party the next day and I drank so much, I was so depressed about life in general. Like Josh is totally stressing me out. I mean, wtf is his deal? How can u be SO CLOSE, the closest humanly possible to be to someone and then not even be able TO LOOK at them nemore? What's wrong with me?? I keep telling myself over and over that it's his loss, but then... WHY am I the one stressin and crying myself to sleep almost every night??? Neway, I couldn't stop thinking about him and I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't handle it!! And so I drank a PJ, [everclear/vodka/fruit punh]a beer, a screwdriver,[vodka/orange juice], rum and coke, and Jack Daniels, and then just straight Vodka.... NEway... I was reaaaaaal like, dizzy and it was horrible!!! But I didn't think about Josh the entire time!!! Me and Harris stayed up and played 2 games of Go Fish and then I was like "I think I have to use the bathroom." and then I stood up and fell on my face! I think I passed out right then for a minute coz I woke up and Harris was shaking me and he was like "APRIL! APRIL! WAKE UP GIRL!" and I was like what? lol and then He carried me to the bathroom and sat with me for like 2 hours. He was a real sweetie.
The next day I had a hangover from hell, but I hung out with Derek... which was real awkward kinda, coz I haven't seen him since we dated my sophmore year. [We dated for like 2 yrs almost]and it was just like no time had gone by at all. He was still the same guy. Same baby blue sky eyes, same deep tan. Same guy that I fell in love with for the first time. I was freaking out in my head. It was awful. When we said goodbye I didn't know what to do. Usually we would kiss, but we're not together and it was strange breaking the habit.
Me and Jessi hung out last night and we talked about it all. Josh was alot of it. Always JOSH... I called him and he wasn't so sweet as candy as I wanted to pretend he always was. And I cried AGAIN over him and I just wished that I would've never moved to Jacksonville bcoz of all the hurt that I've had here. I just don't even know who I am nemore.
Jen gave me a ride back today and it was great to talk to her. She's alot like me, it's crazy.
I don't know nemore at all. I just don't know.
Later.
*BuTtErFlY*
When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb
To overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined
I could keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart
Will lead you back to me
When you're ready to land
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt
From almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Oh, fly abandonedly into the sun
(Fly to the sun)
If you should return to me
(I will know you were mine)
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
(Spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly