bad day
the bagel set me off.
the part i didn't talk about was who i went to get that bagel with. A girl in my major that i'm pretty close friends with is really hip. i think she's so cool, but we don't get to hang out that much because she lives off campus and works 40 hours a week. since we had this unexpected break, we stopped by her apartment because she needed to grab something, and plus we went to get coffee. Her apartment is almost empty, she said she was a minimalist. She's really tiny, but wears lots of layered clothes and just seemed like she was naturally petite. Maybe i was unconsciously stereotyping, but she's a lesbian and i never put any thought into the fact that she was so little and i had never seen her eat, ever. She's not bony at all, she seems to fit her frame really well.
I was eating the bagel in her apartment...
"god, i don't even want this... why did i get it? do you want half?"
"no, thanks. you've lost weight recently though, haven't you?"
"yeah, it's weird"
"yeah..."
*awkward pause*
"i know what you mean, i like losing weight too"
"what?"
"um... i don't know i just... um... i just know what you mean"
i nodded.
it was one of the weirdest things ever. it was like she knew i struggled and i've never said anything about it. there was this knowing feeling in the air; it was like we were connected for a few seconds. we immediately started talking about something else and didn't mention it again but... i've been thinking about it.
she lives in this empty apartment by herself and sleeps on a cot. she's so tiny, studious, and hard working. i don't want to be the kind of girl that doesn't eat and posts about it all the time on an online journal and thinks about how i want to be pretty for all the boys. not only because she's so much smaller than me, but i could tell just from her lifestyle that she had a much deeper commitment to it than i do and i almost hated her for it... but i hated myself more. I felt like an amateur or something. i can't really explain it, but all the sudden all of my efforts seemed so silly and inconsequential in comparison with how i realized she lived her life. she's stripped her home of extraneous materials, her kitchen of food, and her body of fat. i'm just taping up pictures i tore out of vogue and still getting a bagel when i'm not hungry.
the normal response would be to really get down to work and think about what my goals are and what's important to me. But, i didn't. i made plans to go out to breakfast with my friend tomorrow morning (our class was canceled), ate four cookies at a fiction reading, and came home and had a slice of pizza my neighbors offered me (they were trying to finish off the pie). i also didn't go to the gym. I just... i just didn't feel like my attempts meant anything anymore.
i don't think i'm going to weigh myself in the morning. i'm just going out to breakfast anyway.
maybe this weekend i can really evaluate what i want out of my life and where my eating habits fall in that. if i'm going to commit to a lifestyle of calorie restriction, i refuse to half ass. My boyfriend commented the other day that what i was doing was more unhealthy than real anorexics because i only did it for a few weeks, then i gained weight again, lost it really quickly, then gained it back. it just made me feel like a yo-yo, crash, stupid dieter instead of someone trying to embrace a lifestyle of perfection. If i can't do this right, i'm not going to do it at all.
the part i didn't talk about was who i went to get that bagel with. A girl in my major that i'm pretty close friends with is really hip. i think she's so cool, but we don't get to hang out that much because she lives off campus and works 40 hours a week. since we had this unexpected break, we stopped by her apartment because she needed to grab something, and plus we went to get coffee. Her apartment is almost empty, she said she was a minimalist. She's really tiny, but wears lots of layered clothes and just seemed like she was naturally petite. Maybe i was unconsciously stereotyping, but she's a lesbian and i never put any thought into the fact that she was so little and i had never seen her eat, ever. She's not bony at all, she seems to fit her frame really well.
I was eating the bagel in her apartment...
"god, i don't even want this... why did i get it? do you want half?"
"no, thanks. you've lost weight recently though, haven't you?"
"yeah, it's weird"
"yeah..."
*awkward pause*
"i know what you mean, i like losing weight too"
"what?"
"um... i don't know i just... um... i just know what you mean"
i nodded.
it was one of the weirdest things ever. it was like she knew i struggled and i've never said anything about it. there was this knowing feeling in the air; it was like we were connected for a few seconds. we immediately started talking about something else and didn't mention it again but... i've been thinking about it.
she lives in this empty apartment by herself and sleeps on a cot. she's so tiny, studious, and hard working. i don't want to be the kind of girl that doesn't eat and posts about it all the time on an online journal and thinks about how i want to be pretty for all the boys. not only because she's so much smaller than me, but i could tell just from her lifestyle that she had a much deeper commitment to it than i do and i almost hated her for it... but i hated myself more. I felt like an amateur or something. i can't really explain it, but all the sudden all of my efforts seemed so silly and inconsequential in comparison with how i realized she lived her life. she's stripped her home of extraneous materials, her kitchen of food, and her body of fat. i'm just taping up pictures i tore out of vogue and still getting a bagel when i'm not hungry.
the normal response would be to really get down to work and think about what my goals are and what's important to me. But, i didn't. i made plans to go out to breakfast with my friend tomorrow morning (our class was canceled), ate four cookies at a fiction reading, and came home and had a slice of pizza my neighbors offered me (they were trying to finish off the pie). i also didn't go to the gym. I just... i just didn't feel like my attempts meant anything anymore.
i don't think i'm going to weigh myself in the morning. i'm just going out to breakfast anyway.
maybe this weekend i can really evaluate what i want out of my life and where my eating habits fall in that. if i'm going to commit to a lifestyle of calorie restriction, i refuse to half ass. My boyfriend commented the other day that what i was doing was more unhealthy than real anorexics because i only did it for a few weeks, then i gained weight again, lost it really quickly, then gained it back. it just made me feel like a yo-yo, crash, stupid dieter instead of someone trying to embrace a lifestyle of perfection. If i can't do this right, i'm not going to do it at all.