(no subject)
Church, the one place where if you start crying and can't stop, everyone thinks that it is a good thing.
I think I can now say that I have answered an altar call. At least, they called people to come forward as the spirit moves them, and I did. I kept thinking, "Please don't call, because if you call I will answer, and if I answer then I will cry, and if I cry I won't be able to stop." But I was crying anyway. So I went forward. And we were singing one of my favorite songs, but the more I tried to sing, the more I started sobbing. And I ended up kneeling among the other people, and clinging to the alter until the song ended. And I was so embarressed because I was up there, right in sight of the bishop, and my DS, and my advisor, and all the people who will be decideing whether I get to become a minister. But it was a good thing, because if I wasn't moved by that service, if there wasn't something there that reached into me and made me feel then I have no business trying to become ordained.
Clinging, because it is the only thing keeping you from falling flat on the floor. Sobbing, because every time to try to breathe the tears just well up more. And you don't know why you're crying, only that you can't stop. And someone comes and rests a hand on your shoulder, and you're too busy crying to turn and look to see who it is, because that human touch just makes you cry more. Because you know someone cares. That someone sees that you are moved and lets you know that you are not alone and that it is okay.
I want preacher boy to have that.
I think I can now say that I have answered an altar call. At least, they called people to come forward as the spirit moves them, and I did. I kept thinking, "Please don't call, because if you call I will answer, and if I answer then I will cry, and if I cry I won't be able to stop." But I was crying anyway. So I went forward. And we were singing one of my favorite songs, but the more I tried to sing, the more I started sobbing. And I ended up kneeling among the other people, and clinging to the alter until the song ended. And I was so embarressed because I was up there, right in sight of the bishop, and my DS, and my advisor, and all the people who will be decideing whether I get to become a minister. But it was a good thing, because if I wasn't moved by that service, if there wasn't something there that reached into me and made me feel then I have no business trying to become ordained.
Clinging, because it is the only thing keeping you from falling flat on the floor. Sobbing, because every time to try to breathe the tears just well up more. And you don't know why you're crying, only that you can't stop. And someone comes and rests a hand on your shoulder, and you're too busy crying to turn and look to see who it is, because that human touch just makes you cry more. Because you know someone cares. That someone sees that you are moved and lets you know that you are not alone and that it is okay.
I want preacher boy to have that.