(Untitled)

[purpleashes_lp]

Hi all!
I'm planning to apply to the master of my dreams this december, and I'm currently writing my statement of purpose. Unfortunately, I didn't do spectacular in college, so I don't have many qualifications to write about.

Here is my second draft, I would greatly appreciate your help. I want this letter to be the best it can be.

Latest draft

Comments

[indicolite]

First of all, is the 'country of master's' the United States or Canada? If not, this is the wrong community for you.

Cut the first and the last paragraph; if you are applying to a master's in the United States, the statement will come as part of the application which will tell them your name and citizenship already, while saying 'I look forward to your acceptance' is a little gauche. The third-last paragraph should go as well: don't waste word count saying that you thoroughly fulfill the admissions criteria, as they can see than for themselves, and no one guarantees anything in grad school.

I don't think you should tell them how you found their webpage, either; that doesn't matter.

A statement of purpose should tell them what you want to do, and how their program is the best fit for you. Out of several hundred words, only two sentences say what you want to do: "Being committed to the environment, both personally and professionally, I strive to act consciously in an ecological sense. My aspiration is to contribute to the sustainable development of my society by working within the current standards for the environmental and geological aspects of road construction and other types of infrastructure, and I’m certain that by being a part of this program I will gain sufficient knowledge to do so."

And these sentences are so full of buzzwords that they mean just about nothing. You want to build roads, in an environmentally-friendly way, whatever that means. Well, so do lots of other people. You have to be very much more specific. You have studied soil mechanics and work in the ministry of natural resources. Explain specifically how that will help build roads that help the environment and society. You say that the dream master's has a curriculum that matches your goals perfectly --- what exactly in the curriculum, and what exactly are your dreams? You go on a lot about enthusiasm, but enthusiasm will get you nowhere unless you have a clear plan.

Good luck with your next draft.

[purpleashes_lp]

Enormous thanks for being thorough and taking the time to read my letter. I didn't know this was a community for USA and Canada only, I was referred here by a member of another forum.

When I read your review I got dissapointed in my letter, but it's alright, that's what it takes to make it better.

I will do the appropriate corrections today and post the 2nd draft tomorrow.

[purpleashes_lp]

Also... Are there any paragraphs or phrases you think I SHOULD keep?