Comments | applyingtograd: Third Draft SOP

beckalex in applyingtograd

Third Draft SOP

Oct 12, 2010 00:11

Hi everyone! You're probably getting sick of my SOP at this point, but here's a third draft. I've changed the opening paragraph completely and went with a more personal "hook" at the encouragement of my professors. I've also shortened it a little bit, cleaned up some awkward phrasing (or at least tried to - I've only done one grammar edit as I'm ( Read more... )

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Comments 5

lisbetta October 12 2010, 07:16:32 UTC

One thing I've noticed: "University STANDS OUT in my mind because of its OUTSTANDING..."
You might want to change this :)

beckalex October 12 2010, 07:23:32 UTC

Oooh, thanks - I obviously didn't catch that. :)

nobie October 12 2010, 13:27:39 UTC

The first sentence turned me off immediately. I do realize that you didn't give us your whole biography, but the first sentence gave me the impression that you were going to. I appreciate you being honest about the original reason you turned to book, but I'm not sure if we should get that personal. Although...this might apply more to the sciences (natural & social) rather than humanities, but I've heard that professors would like to hear that your research is motivated by pure curiosity for knowledge and a love for the field you're working in, rather than research motivated by (however strongly) personal reasons.
Again, I'm also an applicant, so take this piece of advice with caution as I probably don't know what I'm talking about either :P

jadedauteur October 12 2010, 21:56:03 UTC

I tend to agree with the above poster not to get that personal. I've heard that adcomms don't really want personal details and that the SoP should be kept professional. If you are getting this advice from your profs, they probably know more than I, but I'd show it to them and ask about what is considered appropriate.
Small things (because I'm a copyeditor at heart) with corrections in CAPS:
"My master’s thesis comes from my combined passions of history and literature where I examine how the novel, Treasure Island, influenced and AFFECTED the public’s and the media’s perceptions of piracy."
"Roper, on the other hand, demonstrated that the witch hunts in early modern Europe were much more complex than religious persecution: there were areas of gender, class, and economics to contend with as well."- Here, I wouldn't use "on the other hand", because he doesn't seem to be in opposition to the other scholar, just focusing on a different facet of research.
I'd get rid of "eye-opening" in the last sentence- you don't need it.

indicolite October 12 2010, 22:08:03 UTC

I actually agree with Nobie's comment. Please do not take my words wrong; I understand that this is a very personal and emotionally fraught subject. But the first sentence throws the reader into an entirely different direction than where you are heading. Could you rephrase the first three sentences as something like, "I grew up with half my identity and family history a complete unknown; I lost my father at an early age, and one of the few things I knew about him was that he was adopted." That way, it is about your intellectual curiosity rather than heading down the path of "I overcame a very sad story..." I would also de-emphasize the feelings of grief and loneliness, for that same reason ( ... )