personal statement take 2
Ok. I posted my personal statement a couple of days ago and it wasn't so great. So I re-wrote it. I'm 3 years graduated from college and have been working since graduation. I'm looking to go to grad school to help me change careers. I'm applying for a M.S. in Computer Science at a local state school. The school I'm applying to requires a personal statement a maximum of one page. Here it is:
When I graduated from MYSCHOOL in 2006 with a bachelor's degree in computer science, I sought employment as a programmer. However, the pitfalls of the economy meant that none of the companies who were interested in me were hiring, and I took a job at an insurance company as a claims adjuster. It is a decent enough job, and a program I wrote is being used by a department of over a hundred people, nearly doubling their productivity. But truthfully, the insurance business is not where I want to spend my life. This is not who I am.
When I was a student at MYSCHOOL, I explored many different facets of computer science. In addition to computer security, discrete math, genetic algorithms, and cognitive science, I discovered cryptography and its applications in the securing of commercial information. I was fascinated by the freedom it afforded me to solve a given problem in different ways, from the elegance of the RSA algorithm, to sheer brute force. I know, however, that this is only an introduction to a vast and complex field; there is so much more to not just learn, but to discover through research. This is why I am applying to the graduate program in computer science at SCHOOL.
SCHOOL appeals to me for a variety of reasons, not least of which are its focus on the importance of research, and its faculty with similar interests to my own. I am intrigued by PROFESSOR work in braid group cryptography, and by the projects being developed by PROFESSOR research group. I look forward to learning more about, and eventually working on, the Axiom project at RESEARCH CENTER. For these reasons, I am eager to continue my education at SCHOOL; I am sure that we will both benefit from our association.
They ask for a "personal statement about your educational or career objectives....that should be of the kind and quality that expresses why you have chosen to pursue a graduate degree."
Also, again, there is a limit of one page. It states specifically that the statement should "not be over one page." I'm not sure exactly what "one page" means, I'm assuming a Word doc, double spaced, standard 12 pt font.
Does it still sound informal?
When I graduated from MYSCHOOL in 2006 with a bachelor's degree in computer science, I sought employment as a programmer. However, the pitfalls of the economy meant that none of the companies who were interested in me were hiring, and I took a job at an insurance company as a claims adjuster. It is a decent enough job, and a program I wrote is being used by a department of over a hundred people, nearly doubling their productivity. But truthfully, the insurance business is not where I want to spend my life. This is not who I am.
When I was a student at MYSCHOOL, I explored many different facets of computer science. In addition to computer security, discrete math, genetic algorithms, and cognitive science, I discovered cryptography and its applications in the securing of commercial information. I was fascinated by the freedom it afforded me to solve a given problem in different ways, from the elegance of the RSA algorithm, to sheer brute force. I know, however, that this is only an introduction to a vast and complex field; there is so much more to not just learn, but to discover through research. This is why I am applying to the graduate program in computer science at SCHOOL.
SCHOOL appeals to me for a variety of reasons, not least of which are its focus on the importance of research, and its faculty with similar interests to my own. I am intrigued by PROFESSOR work in braid group cryptography, and by the projects being developed by PROFESSOR research group. I look forward to learning more about, and eventually working on, the Axiom project at RESEARCH CENTER. For these reasons, I am eager to continue my education at SCHOOL; I am sure that we will both benefit from our association.
They ask for a "personal statement about your educational or career objectives....that should be of the kind and quality that expresses why you have chosen to pursue a graduate degree."
Also, again, there is a limit of one page. It states specifically that the statement should "not be over one page." I'm not sure exactly what "one page" means, I'm assuming a Word doc, double spaced, standard 12 pt font.
Does it still sound informal?