content-wise, i think you're fairly close but you could benefit from reorganization (standard caveats apply --- feel free to use / ignore whatever you feel is useful)
nix the first paragraph.
rework the content of the second paragraph to go along the lines of "my experience in environmental law has taught me how important having a better grounding in environmental science is, not only in terms of being an effective advocate for the environment, but also in terms of my future goal of opening my own multidisciplinary practice"
nix the third paragraph.
kill the first sentence of the last paragraph.
second sentence of the last paragraph is more effective as, "although i have already begun building a solid foundation in the environmental sciences by taking classes in ____, ____, and ____ at a local university, i hope to finish my grounding at university wxyz. in particular, (stuff about awesome classes, kickass profs, etc.)" it's worth perhaps mentioning that you, as a lawyer, are in a place to offer unique insight into the interplay between science and policy that may be of benefit to your peers (it's a tough call, you don't want to sound like a jackass but it's good to let the university know that there's some quo that goes with the quid pro)
I don't really understand the problem with the second paragraph organization (it seems to me that is the way it is organized, so I don't know what to change to make it better). So this is what I end up with taking the other recommendations:
While there are several stepping stones along the way, my ultimate career goal is to establish my own practice. To gain the experience to do so effectively, I hope to work for a government or non-profit agency prosecuting environmental cases. Based on my work with the Illinois Attorney General's Office prosecuting violations of environmental regulations and with Senator Doug Haines in Georgia on major litigation compelling the EPA to enforce the Clean Water Act, I anticipate I would enjoy working in such a setting. These experiences will allow me to open my own multidisciplinary environmental consulting firm targeting small to mid-size businesses interested primarily in planning regulatory compliance and secondarily in resolving any disputes that may arise through mediation or litigation.
At the core of my desire to obtain this degree lies a commitment to finding reasoned, balanced ways in which to deal with the current environmental threats. Only careful consideration of the actual costs and benefits of any given course of action to both sides will strike the appropriate balance between them, producing the best outcome. A thorough understanding the environmental impact of regulatory violations and the necessary remediation measures requires a stronger scientific background than I currently have. The most effective lawyers are able to educate their clients, their opponents, and the court on both the scientific facts and the law supporting their case.
This is a task that is greatly complicated when an expert is brought to testify about densely complex scientific principles. The role of lawyer as translator becomes critical, both in the argument and the settlement of cases. As with any translator, the more familiar one becomes with both languages (legal and scientific) the more effective one will be. For this reason, the dual education of attorneys is not at all uncommon. One will frequently find attorneys with engineering backgrounds practicing intellectual property law, or attorneys with accounting backgrounds practicing tax law. It stands to reason that the same level of expertise would be beneficial to the environmental attorney. Although I have already begun building a solid foundation in the environmental sciences by taking classes in chemistry, statistics, calculus and geology at a local college, I hope to further my grounding at XYZ. XYZ’s program offers the ability for me to take course work in areas such as blahblahblah, which would allow me to yaddayaddayadda as an attorney. My understanding of the relationship between law and science in this field would be greatly enhanced by interaction with Professor Smartypants due to his/her background in yacketyschmackety. Moreover, I am very interested in some of the current research going on with the program, particularly Project ABC. I look forward to working on that or another research project, particularly for the hands-on experience working with other students who will someday be the very experts I must call upon for scientific evidence. In turn, the policy and legal experience I have gained may equally benefit my fellow students.
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Honestly, I don't know if I like it as much. I completely understand why the original draft needed so much work. However, at this point, it seems dull, dry, unoriginal and not at all related to who I am. I suspect all the statements they read will be the same formula: undergrad, career goal, why I want to go to your program.
~sigh~ If people really feel this is better (and not cookie cutter), I'll consider using it. But honestly is sounds dispassionate, which is the opposite of how I feel and makes me worry that it won't convey my desire to be in the program adequately.
yeah, i see where you're coming from. almost all my writing in the past 3 years has been geared around proposals where space is at a super premium and i have half a page to explain magic without actually calling it that, so i place a heavy premium on writing that gets to the point quickly and i may well have overshot the mark. the first time i read through, you seemed to re-iterate a lot about how you need the degree and, for me at least, that space could be better used.
I'm just going to take it out. You and everyone else are probably right. I don't care anymore and I don't feel like I am in a good position to judge myself. Besides which, just getting this over with is probably the best thing I can do.
first rule of engineering: perfection is the enemy of "good enough", and "good enough" is what pays the bills.
if i were you, i wouldn't lose any sleep over it. you've got a really strong statement and a really strong background -- everything you could do to improve your odds has been done, so what's left is the roll of the dice.
To be honest, I think most of the statements they read, if this discussion board is any guide, consist in essays, or in passionate pleas, or in biographical narrative.
I think you will positively set yourself apart from your competition by matter-of-factly stating your career goals. There seems (to me) to be this mis-guided notion that you need a gimmick to attract attention. Well, if everyone else is using a gimmick, you attract attention by not using one. Also, you really have only 500 words, right? What would the essay look like if you stuck to that number? You'll find (or at least I did) that you have absolutely no space for anything but the absolute essentials.
Put it down for a day. Take a break. Then look at it again. Edit it. Put through a couple more drafts. And send it out. I think notquitezeus is, on the whole, giving you pretty good advice. But you won't be so lucky with advice from a lot of the other posters here. You're likely to get contradictory opinions, which will just send your head spinning. Take what we have to say, digest it, then edit your draft. At that point, trust your instinct. Send it out. And remember the old Strunk maxim "omit needless words."
Also, you've been through law school. You can do anything. This is a piece of cake. They are going to love you.
A former professor of mine says that every year they get tons of applications saying "I am so passionate about XYZ." And he says they just don't care. Of course you're passionate about it. They want to know (for PhDs) how you are going to make a unique contribution to knowledge.
I think in your field, they are probably going to want to know how you are going to use the degree to make a difference in the world... Or are they not engaged with environmental protection? In any case, enough of your background will come through to make you desirable on the diversity front, i.e., they will want to have a lawyer around because it will enhance the education for the other people in the program who are not lawyers.
The 500 words are suggested. I believe the exact statement was something like "Most students find 500 words adequate to express..."
But it doesn't matter. I am completely disheartened about this and everything else right now, for reasons unrelated to graduate school applications. So I'm just going to do what people have told me - even if I don't like it, it can't be that bad and just getting these turned with something decent in is less risky than waiting until I am too depressed to do it at all.
Thanks for all your help. Left to my own devices, I never would have gotten in.
[And thanks for the comment but I'm not feeling any better. I'm just forcing myself to finish this - things actually just got worse, believe or not. My grandfather died this week, I've been stuck in a trial at work that is taking three times as long as we anticipated and I am in the middle of final exams. So after the funeral tomorrow, I'm going to try to get these done. To bad there's no prize for rising to the challenge.]
you've had spectacularly crap luck this year it seems. one can only hope that it means that next year is going to be smooth sailing, but life seldom works that way.
content-wise, i think you're fairly close but you could benefit from reorganization (standard caveats apply --- feel free to use / ignore whatever you feel is useful)
nix the first paragraph.
rework the content of the second paragraph to go along the lines of "my experience in environmental law has taught me how important having a better grounding in environmental science is, not only in terms of being an effective advocate for the environment, but also in terms of my future goal of opening my own multidisciplinary practice"
nix the third paragraph.
kill the first sentence of the last paragraph.
second sentence of the last paragraph is more effective as, "although i have already begun building a solid foundation in the environmental sciences by taking classes in ____, ____, and ____ at a local university, i hope to finish my grounding at university wxyz. in particular, (stuff about awesome classes, kickass profs, etc.)" it's worth perhaps mentioning that you, as a lawyer, are in a place to offer unique insight into the interplay between science and policy that may be of benefit to your peers (it's a tough call, you don't want to sound like a jackass but it's good to let the university know that there's some quo that goes with the quid pro)
i'm not quite sure what to do about the closing.
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While there are several stepping stones along the way, my ultimate career goal is to establish my own practice. To gain the experience to do so effectively, I hope to work for a government or non-profit agency prosecuting environmental cases. Based on my work with the Illinois Attorney General's Office prosecuting violations of environmental regulations and with Senator Doug Haines in Georgia on major litigation compelling the EPA to enforce the Clean Water Act, I anticipate I would enjoy working in such a setting. These experiences will allow me to open my own multidisciplinary environmental consulting firm targeting small to mid-size businesses interested primarily in planning regulatory compliance and secondarily in resolving any disputes that may arise through mediation or litigation.
At the core of my desire to obtain this degree lies a commitment to finding reasoned, balanced ways in which to deal with the current environmental threats. Only careful consideration of the actual costs and benefits of any given course of action to both sides will strike the appropriate balance between them, producing the best outcome. A thorough understanding the environmental impact of regulatory violations and the necessary remediation measures requires a stronger scientific background than I currently have. The most effective lawyers are able to educate their clients, their opponents, and the court on both the scientific facts and the law supporting their case.
This is a task that is greatly complicated when an expert is brought to testify about densely complex scientific principles. The role of lawyer as translator becomes critical, both in the argument and the settlement of cases. As with any translator, the more familiar one becomes with both languages (legal and scientific) the more effective one will be. For this reason, the dual education of attorneys is not at all uncommon. One will frequently find attorneys with engineering backgrounds practicing intellectual property law, or attorneys with accounting backgrounds practicing tax law. It stands to reason that the same level of expertise would be beneficial to the environmental attorney.
Although I have already begun building a solid foundation in the environmental sciences by taking classes in chemistry, statistics, calculus and geology at a local college, I hope to further my grounding at XYZ. XYZ’s program offers the ability for me to take course work in areas such as blahblahblah, which would allow me to yaddayaddayadda as an attorney. My understanding of the relationship between law and science in this field would be greatly enhanced by interaction with Professor Smartypants due to his/her background in yacketyschmackety. Moreover, I am very interested in some of the current research going on with the program, particularly Project ABC. I look forward to working on that or another research project, particularly for the hands-on experience working with other students who will someday be the very experts I must call upon for scientific evidence. In turn, the policy and legal experience I have gained may equally benefit my fellow students.
----
Honestly, I don't know if I like it as much. I completely understand why the original draft needed so much work. However, at this point, it seems dull, dry, unoriginal and not at all related to who I am. I suspect all the statements they read will be the same formula: undergrad, career goal, why I want to go to your program.
~sigh~ If people really feel this is better (and not cookie cutter), I'll consider using it. But honestly is sounds dispassionate, which is the opposite of how I feel and makes me worry that it won't convey my desire to be in the program adequately.
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I appreciate all the help.
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if i were you, i wouldn't lose any sleep over it. you've got a really strong statement and a really strong background -- everything you could do to improve your odds has been done, so what's left is the roll of the dice.
Reply
To be honest, I think most of the statements they read, if this discussion board is any guide, consist in essays, or in passionate pleas, or in biographical narrative.
I think you will positively set yourself apart from your competition by matter-of-factly stating your career goals. There seems (to me) to be this mis-guided notion that you need a gimmick to attract attention. Well, if everyone else is using a gimmick, you attract attention by not using one. Also, you really have only 500 words, right? What would the essay look like if you stuck to that number? You'll find (or at least I did) that you have absolutely no space for anything but the absolute essentials.
Put it down for a day. Take a break. Then look at it again. Edit it. Put through a couple more drafts. And send it out. I think notquitezeus is, on the whole, giving you pretty good advice. But you won't be so lucky with advice from a lot of the other posters here. You're likely to get contradictory opinions, which will just send your head spinning. Take what we have to say, digest it, then edit your draft. At that point, trust your instinct. Send it out. And remember the old Strunk maxim "omit needless words."
Also, you've been through law school. You can do anything. This is a piece of cake. They are going to love you.
Reply
I think in your field, they are probably going to want to know how you are going to use the degree to make a difference in the world... Or are they not engaged with environmental protection? In any case, enough of your background will come through to make you desirable on the diversity front, i.e., they will want to have a lawyer around because it will enhance the education for the other people in the program who are not lawyers.
Reply
But it doesn't matter. I am completely disheartened about this and everything else right now, for reasons unrelated to graduate school applications. So I'm just going to do what people have told me - even if I don't like it, it can't be that bad and just getting these turned with something decent in is less risky than waiting until I am too depressed to do it at all.
Thanks for all your help. Left to my own devices, I never would have gotten in.
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you've had spectacularly crap luck this year it seems. one can only hope that it means that next year is going to be smooth sailing, but life seldom works that way.
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