6 years.
dear trek,
it's been six years, almost down to the exact day, since the last post was made here.
i don't know if anyone's going to see this. i don't know who cares, so fiercely and so much, about everything that happened, enough to come back and pretend for a moment that everything didn't fall apart the way it did. but a part of me has wanted to say something for so long, so here it is.
i miss you. but i know, now more than ever, that i have to let you go. because as much as i treasured and loved you guys, almost more than anything i've ever loved in my life, what we had is gone and it's never coming back. it wasn't just about rp for me -- was it for any of us? i hope not. because you were my best friends. we fought and got into so many arguments, we were tactless and rude to each other, we hurt each other so much, especially near the end -- but we were a family. we were so close. i've never laughed so much with anyone. i've never felt so open and honest and true to myself. i still can't believe how many hours we'd stay up talking to each other sometimes, even if it was about little things that i can't remember now. was it unhealthy and codependent for a big part of it? maybe. but i was so happy. i was so, so happy. i've found happiness in other ways now, but i've never been able to find that feeling i used to have with all of you again. it's crazy to me how this family came together and fell apart within the span of two years, and six years later, i'm still trying to find a way to stop missing you. i hope this letter helps.
pura -- i'm so glad that you're still in my life and that i'm still in yours. it feels strange to include you in this for that reason, but at the same time, i feel like this is the best opportunity i have to tell you how sorry i am for all of the ways i hurt you back then. i didn't try nearly as hard as i should have to keep you close and ended up excluding you because of it. i'll always kick myself for that, because you deserved so much better. you were one of my best friends and i didn't treat you like one. i can't forgive myself for that, even if you've already moved on from it, and i'm sorry.
tanya -- you disappeared from my life so quickly i didn't really know what to think about it. our friendship was always a little strained, i think. we were never as close with one another as i felt that we should have been in comparison with the rest of the group, with how often we spoke. but i remember how much i admired your kindness and your honesty and how much i wish there hadn't been that invisible barrier between us, so that i could be there for you more and so that it could mean something when i was. i hope life's been treating you better now than ever, and if it isn't, that it does soon. you deserve safety and security and comfort and love wherever you are. they aren't empty words -- i genuinely believe that. please take care of yourself.
kate -- i'm so grateful that we've always been able to pick things up easily between us, no matter how long it's been since the last time we caught each other. but at the same time, i have a feeling it's never going to be quite the same again; i realized that when you gave me back the necklace. i don't know if you meant it this way -- maybe just that you were returning something i never got a chance to come back for -- but i took it as a way of you telling me that it was okay to let go. thank you for that. i've never been able to get over you properly, because nothing tangible happened between us and there was never closure, just this strange and hollow "what if", but when you gave it back to me, i think a part of me finally saw that day coming. i'm going to remember that lazy august i spent with you for the rest of my life. sometimes, i think about what life would have been like if i'd found a way to just... stay, you know? it's nothing but a daydream, though. i don't regret the life i have now. but again, thank you. i'll always love you and i hope you know that.
nai -- i'll never understand why you shut me out of your life so suddenly, without so much as a word of goodbye. i don't expect that you'll ever talk to me again. but even if you ended up doubting it, i need you to know that what i felt for you was real: i did love you. you were radiant and brilliant, like the sun. you had so much passion and sometimes it hurt you, and sometimes it hurt me, but it swept me away. i'm sorry for the way i treated you. even if this whole letter is a letter of acceptance and moving on, i need you to know that one of my biggest regrets was hurting you the way i did, and i will always wish that things could have gone differently -- that i'd been a better person back then and a better friend to you. i cared about you so much, though, and you left a huge, unforgettable impact on me. i don't know if i did the same to you, and i guess now i'll never know. but if you ever read this, one day, i hope you'll believe me.
eva -- what happened with us is still so fresh it's really difficult for me to say anything here that i haven't already said to you. you're probably still confused and still mad at me (at the time i'm writing this) and i wouldn't blame you for it. what i did was selfish -- i'm not denying that. but i was lying to myself for so long, and i needed to be honest with you. i've always needed to be honest with you. i wanted you to be my best friend for life. i wanted us to grow old together. but i knew that wasn't going to happen. we have too much history, we depended on each other too much -- and i think i always expected something out of you that wasn't you anymore, and that wasn't fair. we've both changed and grown and in the end, i wasn't able to accept that from you. i miss you so much -- i've missed you for a long time now, for years -- but i know it's better this way. i don't know if you'll ever agree with that or fully understand where i'm coming from, and if you never do, i'm sorry. i wish we could've been on the same page one last time. you meant the world to me, and you probably always will, but i couldn't hold on to you and i think it was for the best.
family -- please stay safe in my memories. i'll always treasure you. you gave me so much and i won't forget that for as long as i live. thank you for everything.
love,
julie
it's been six years, almost down to the exact day, since the last post was made here.
i don't know if anyone's going to see this. i don't know who cares, so fiercely and so much, about everything that happened, enough to come back and pretend for a moment that everything didn't fall apart the way it did. but a part of me has wanted to say something for so long, so here it is.
i miss you. but i know, now more than ever, that i have to let you go. because as much as i treasured and loved you guys, almost more than anything i've ever loved in my life, what we had is gone and it's never coming back. it wasn't just about rp for me -- was it for any of us? i hope not. because you were my best friends. we fought and got into so many arguments, we were tactless and rude to each other, we hurt each other so much, especially near the end -- but we were a family. we were so close. i've never laughed so much with anyone. i've never felt so open and honest and true to myself. i still can't believe how many hours we'd stay up talking to each other sometimes, even if it was about little things that i can't remember now. was it unhealthy and codependent for a big part of it? maybe. but i was so happy. i was so, so happy. i've found happiness in other ways now, but i've never been able to find that feeling i used to have with all of you again. it's crazy to me how this family came together and fell apart within the span of two years, and six years later, i'm still trying to find a way to stop missing you. i hope this letter helps.
pura -- i'm so glad that you're still in my life and that i'm still in yours. it feels strange to include you in this for that reason, but at the same time, i feel like this is the best opportunity i have to tell you how sorry i am for all of the ways i hurt you back then. i didn't try nearly as hard as i should have to keep you close and ended up excluding you because of it. i'll always kick myself for that, because you deserved so much better. you were one of my best friends and i didn't treat you like one. i can't forgive myself for that, even if you've already moved on from it, and i'm sorry.
tanya -- you disappeared from my life so quickly i didn't really know what to think about it. our friendship was always a little strained, i think. we were never as close with one another as i felt that we should have been in comparison with the rest of the group, with how often we spoke. but i remember how much i admired your kindness and your honesty and how much i wish there hadn't been that invisible barrier between us, so that i could be there for you more and so that it could mean something when i was. i hope life's been treating you better now than ever, and if it isn't, that it does soon. you deserve safety and security and comfort and love wherever you are. they aren't empty words -- i genuinely believe that. please take care of yourself.
kate -- i'm so grateful that we've always been able to pick things up easily between us, no matter how long it's been since the last time we caught each other. but at the same time, i have a feeling it's never going to be quite the same again; i realized that when you gave me back the necklace. i don't know if you meant it this way -- maybe just that you were returning something i never got a chance to come back for -- but i took it as a way of you telling me that it was okay to let go. thank you for that. i've never been able to get over you properly, because nothing tangible happened between us and there was never closure, just this strange and hollow "what if", but when you gave it back to me, i think a part of me finally saw that day coming. i'm going to remember that lazy august i spent with you for the rest of my life. sometimes, i think about what life would have been like if i'd found a way to just... stay, you know? it's nothing but a daydream, though. i don't regret the life i have now. but again, thank you. i'll always love you and i hope you know that.
nai -- i'll never understand why you shut me out of your life so suddenly, without so much as a word of goodbye. i don't expect that you'll ever talk to me again. but even if you ended up doubting it, i need you to know that what i felt for you was real: i did love you. you were radiant and brilliant, like the sun. you had so much passion and sometimes it hurt you, and sometimes it hurt me, but it swept me away. i'm sorry for the way i treated you. even if this whole letter is a letter of acceptance and moving on, i need you to know that one of my biggest regrets was hurting you the way i did, and i will always wish that things could have gone differently -- that i'd been a better person back then and a better friend to you. i cared about you so much, though, and you left a huge, unforgettable impact on me. i don't know if i did the same to you, and i guess now i'll never know. but if you ever read this, one day, i hope you'll believe me.
eva -- what happened with us is still so fresh it's really difficult for me to say anything here that i haven't already said to you. you're probably still confused and still mad at me (at the time i'm writing this) and i wouldn't blame you for it. what i did was selfish -- i'm not denying that. but i was lying to myself for so long, and i needed to be honest with you. i've always needed to be honest with you. i wanted you to be my best friend for life. i wanted us to grow old together. but i knew that wasn't going to happen. we have too much history, we depended on each other too much -- and i think i always expected something out of you that wasn't you anymore, and that wasn't fair. we've both changed and grown and in the end, i wasn't able to accept that from you. i miss you so much -- i've missed you for a long time now, for years -- but i know it's better this way. i don't know if you'll ever agree with that or fully understand where i'm coming from, and if you never do, i'm sorry. i wish we could've been on the same page one last time. you meant the world to me, and you probably always will, but i couldn't hold on to you and i think it was for the best.
family -- please stay safe in my memories. i'll always treasure you. you gave me so much and i won't forget that for as long as i live. thank you for everything.
love,
julie