『 carved in my heart, never forgotten 』
Him.
After cleaning my part of the room the other day, I saw the journal dedicated solely for him and of course, being the procrastination master that I was, I decided to open the book and read the entries again. You can only imagine how I giggled inwardly at how in love and stupid I was when I wrote those entries, but then again, I did cringe after I realized how much of a hypocrite and a coward I was when it comes to my feelings.
The journal consisted of several short entries about him, lol. Most of it was about the dilemma I faced after finding out that he won't be coming to our school anymore. Truth be told, I still get those damn butterflies while reading the said journal. Yeah, first love is hard to forget - no matter how unrequited it is.
I'm not a fan of that love at first sight drama, heck, I don't even believe in it, partly because I didn't really like him at first and because it took me years to finally admit that I did love him. Like at first sight, yes, that shit's real, but love at first sight? Hell no.
He has that conceited aura around him and boy did I hate it. He looked so proud and so confident and it just wasn't right, but he had all the right to be proud because he's in the so-called 'in-crowd' because of his awesome basketball skills, peers and his looks. His voice would kill you though - really. I almost died laughing when I first heard his voice. It isn't to die for but yeah, lol. Don't ask.
Case Scenario #1
(Three years ago, in our classroom during lunch time, he pops out of nowhere)
Him: You! Yes you. Can I have your number, ate? (points at one of my classmates)
Me: Wha- (forces the food down my throat and tries to contain my laughter)
Him: Ate, can I have your number please? Its for a friend. (still referring to my classmate but soon leaves)
Me: (looks at my best friend questioningly and then turns to look at the guy with he squeaky voice) The fuck's wrong with his voice?
Best friend: (laughs and shrugs) I dunno. His voice has always been like that.
Me: Who's he anyway?
Best friend: Sorry dude, I forgot his name.
He says he hates his voice, but to be honest, I do like his voice, even though its small and squeaky and too nasal for my liking. Of all his attributes, its his voice that defines him - at least for me, that is. He looks like Yunho too. He's the reason why I like Yunho, not the other way around. Jaejoong was my bias at first, but after he came into the picture, Yunho took Jaejoong's place, lol.
Only a year after that incident did I finally admit to myself that what I feel about him is more of like than hate.
It was somewhere in between the month of November when my friend and I decided to watch his class' play. In the play, his name was Vladimir and he was the head of the Vampire clan (it kind of explains my affinity with Vampire stories, lol). God, he was so gorgeous. I was so scared, so so scared to admit that I was starting to like him. My friends were shocked, too shocked for their own good and like the good friends that they were, they supported the whole idea.
I didn't do anything about my feelings. The thought of confessing to him didn't even cross my mind, probably because of the fear of rejection and whatnot. But I was truly happy and contented with just watching him from afar.
When the next school year came, news that he won't go to our school anymore circulated like wildfire. I was shocked. I cried, really really really cried. I didn't know why I cried. The afternoon after I found out about the news, I saw him playing basketball in the school court. I cried again, only calmly this time.
I finally admitted to myself that the feelings I harbor for him was more of love than like after two whole years of liking him. I was scared to admit it. I didn't know what love was. I didn't even know that I had the capacity to love. You see, I'm more of a realistic person than that of a romanticist.
This is the last thing I'll write about him. I promise. This is just some kind of a closure - the closure I need so I can finally let go of my feelings for him. I need to move on from this phase or else, I'm going to be this emotional blackhole who won't stop thinking of the what ifs. I'm trying to forget him, really really trying. Its not easy, but I'm trying and that's all that matters.
Ah, I just wasted my time writing this when I should be preparing to go back to Elbi later. I wasted my time. He won't read this, or maybe he will, several years after I had posted this, when I don't care about him anymore - a time when I have finally forgotten my feelings for him.
Don't send this to him. Please. For my welfare, do not send this to him. What's in this blogging journal stays in this journal.