the latest story from liza and me
twice upon a time (weren’t expecting that were you) there was a pair of twins who lived in two houses in the middle of a big turquoise lake. on the edge of the lake there lived a big, horrible, scary, and ugly LIBRARIAN, who had a thousand teeth and an intimidating chihuahuah, who she had to train to eat any children that were caught reading books. although she was a librarian she hated books because of an unpleasant incident from her youth which she rarely talked about, involving a mongoose and an old leather jacket, which used to belong to a man called steve, who had a motorbike which he called dorris (kj wd kill me for calling a motorbike dorris but oh well) and one day, while the evil librarian was walking along in the enchanted forest, who should show up but steve, riding his trusty flying motorbike through the sky. now this incident wouldn’t have been tragic, except for the fact that there was a small ladybird who had been taking a nap inside the exhaust pipe of the motorbike, when all of a suddenly woke up and shouted, "no you must land immediately" which the startly steve did, causing him to interrupt a stadium concert at which people were enjoying free marmalade because it was a concert in honour of Paddington bear, because he had recently discovered, unbeknownst to him and everyone else, that he wasn't really a bear, he was a pumpkin, which are very sacred in the land-of-twins-and-turquoise-lakes due to an ancient legend, the hero of which was a pumpking called the mighty and wonderful pumkin in the sky and in this legend the wonderful pumkin in the sky:
- (you mean pumpking, as he was a king among pumpkins)
- (indeed i do, thank you for correcting me!)
- (that's quite alright)
saved the land from the terrible curse of the flying teacakes. the curse of the flying teacakes was quite horrible, it cursed people to suddenly become obsessed (at around 4 o'clock) with the thought of how wonderful it would be to eat pieces of cardboard like substance full of burnt dried grapes and covered in lard and the pumpking ended this curse by decreeing that the hour of four o clock should be removed from everyone’s daily routine. this worked very well, as everyone went from 3:59 to 5 without any bother until one fateful day when a small girl called Prudentilla , who was possibly the only person in the pumpkingdom who liked teacake, extracted her dreadful revenge on the pumpking by carving a silly face on him. he was so angry that he called on the dreaded gobyovitch, who was a terrible oik who had eyes like mouldy cheese, and hair that smelt of turpentine (although there was a reason for this- he (she) had recently been painting the ancient temple a very nice shade of... peach, which he was unreasonably fond of because of his late aunt who had had a peach for a pet. however it wasn't an ordinary peach... this was a peach which could talk, and was full of wisdom, and spoke seven languages, which it learned while on his travels in seven different countries (well duh!) one of these countries was the great and mystical land of yorkshire, where the peach learned to speak in a funny accent, and to dance the fandango, a very complicated dance involving (lol) bells around the ankles and wonderfully strange outfits, which were all handmade by a mystical rabbit, who he'd met in a different place on his travels when he was about to get married to a large and vapid mushroom, but this would have been a horrible mistake as the mushroom was cannibalistic, luckily the mystical rabbit arrived just in time to eat the mushroom, which then gave him strange hallucinations, wherein he saw the future, which was lucky because he was able to predict the exact whereabouts of huge and friendly hippopotamus called rita, who would help him to put an end to all the nonsense pertaining the consumption of jellied eels, which was a fad that was sweeping the land, and was a bad thing for many reasons, including the fact that no-one quite understood the amazing intelligence of eels, and were quite unaware of the way the eels could cure all kinds of madness by one flick of a kimono, in a way which had been passed down since the first eel to discover this, who was called "numero uno eel" eels had many amazing qualities, but a sense of imagination was not one of them so it was surprising that numero uno eel was even wearing a kimono, which was not fashionable among eels at the time, but there was a special occasion which was the ceremony called the "washing of the new pineapple" which involved, surprisingly, washing a pineapple but the name was deceptive, because the pineapple was not new, but very old, which was why it needed washing, but then suddenly, in the middle of the ceremony,: there was a big bang!
- (you mean pumpking, as he was a king among pumpkins)
- (indeed i do, thank you for correcting me!)
- (that's quite alright)
saved the land from the terrible curse of the flying teacakes. the curse of the flying teacakes was quite horrible, it cursed people to suddenly become obsessed (at around 4 o'clock) with the thought of how wonderful it would be to eat pieces of cardboard like substance full of burnt dried grapes and covered in lard and the pumpking ended this curse by decreeing that the hour of four o clock should be removed from everyone’s daily routine. this worked very well, as everyone went from 3:59 to 5 without any bother until one fateful day when a small girl called Prudentilla , who was possibly the only person in the pumpkingdom who liked teacake, extracted her dreadful revenge on the pumpking by carving a silly face on him. he was so angry that he called on the dreaded gobyovitch, who was a terrible oik who had eyes like mouldy cheese, and hair that smelt of turpentine (although there was a reason for this- he (she) had recently been painting the ancient temple a very nice shade of... peach, which he was unreasonably fond of because of his late aunt who had had a peach for a pet. however it wasn't an ordinary peach... this was a peach which could talk, and was full of wisdom, and spoke seven languages, which it learned while on his travels in seven different countries (well duh!) one of these countries was the great and mystical land of yorkshire, where the peach learned to speak in a funny accent, and to dance the fandango, a very complicated dance involving (lol) bells around the ankles and wonderfully strange outfits, which were all handmade by a mystical rabbit, who he'd met in a different place on his travels when he was about to get married to a large and vapid mushroom, but this would have been a horrible mistake as the mushroom was cannibalistic, luckily the mystical rabbit arrived just in time to eat the mushroom, which then gave him strange hallucinations, wherein he saw the future, which was lucky because he was able to predict the exact whereabouts of huge and friendly hippopotamus called rita, who would help him to put an end to all the nonsense pertaining the consumption of jellied eels, which was a fad that was sweeping the land, and was a bad thing for many reasons, including the fact that no-one quite understood the amazing intelligence of eels, and were quite unaware of the way the eels could cure all kinds of madness by one flick of a kimono, in a way which had been passed down since the first eel to discover this, who was called "numero uno eel" eels had many amazing qualities, but a sense of imagination was not one of them so it was surprising that numero uno eel was even wearing a kimono, which was not fashionable among eels at the time, but there was a special occasion which was the ceremony called the "washing of the new pineapple" which involved, surprisingly, washing a pineapple but the name was deceptive, because the pineapple was not new, but very old, which was why it needed washing, but then suddenly, in the middle of the ceremony,: there was a big bang!