heartfelt
I feel like I'm trying to figure out who I am again and I don't like it. I was pretty content with who I was! But maybe that's just punk-ass-rebel 19-year-old me who never wants to change anything? Probably, that kid's fucking annoying. My. Life. Is. Changing. I can't stop it and it's going too fast for me to dissect it like this. Maybe I underestimated the toll growing up would have on me. It's emotionally crippling. In the last year I've done a good job conquering some debilitating depression, gotten in shape, practiced what I preached, and learned to trust people. It's been pretty intense. I thought I was done rising from the ashes. How many more times in my lifetime is this shit going to happen? I mean, really?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking trash on life. I don't want to kill myself or anything. I've just never thought of the big picture before. If I keep going through life-changing experiences, am I ever going to remember who I've been? That's a lot of metamorphoses to keep track of over a long period of time. (Maybe I should be a little more respectful of my elders...)
My train of thought is a runaway.
I started on this topic because I'm thinking about how much older I feel. Responsibility is heavy. The more invested you get in society the more emotionally stifling it is. "Mature adults" have no creativity, no joy, and no whimsy. I just hate that I'm starting to understand why. I don't want to get swept up in this shit. Conditions UNfavorable! The question is: How do I cope with new circumstances wisely. I live everyday making decisions I know I will have to live with the rest of my life. I'm very truthful and honest with myself and others. Some decisions are just a lot rockier than others. I'm just trying to make ones I can live with.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking trash on life. I don't want to kill myself or anything. I've just never thought of the big picture before. If I keep going through life-changing experiences, am I ever going to remember who I've been? That's a lot of metamorphoses to keep track of over a long period of time. (Maybe I should be a little more respectful of my elders...)
My train of thought is a runaway.
I started on this topic because I'm thinking about how much older I feel. Responsibility is heavy. The more invested you get in society the more emotionally stifling it is. "Mature adults" have no creativity, no joy, and no whimsy. I just hate that I'm starting to understand why. I don't want to get swept up in this shit. Conditions UNfavorable! The question is: How do I cope with new circumstances wisely. I live everyday making decisions I know I will have to live with the rest of my life. I'm very truthful and honest with myself and others. Some decisions are just a lot rockier than others. I'm just trying to make ones I can live with.