alone
this is mostly a private entry, for me. But I don't care If someone reads it-no big secrets. EDIT://no comments.
My mom's dad is dying, and he lives in Hawaii, so tomorrow she's leaving to go see him, which leaves me home alone with my dad and my brother. This isn't good considering...lots of things. Lets just say--my dad and my brother are really mean to me. Abusive mean. And If my mom is not around then I am fucked. So mum was telling me how my aunt might stop by to see if i was ok. I'm honestly really scared though. I dont know what I'm going to do. I might just lock myself in my room for the full 2 weeks shes gone. But heres the worse part. My dad is leaving the second week, and he wants me and my brother to live with my grandparents. Lets just say I lived with my grandparents, and my grandma abused me as well. And my grandpa is a child molester. So I'm planning on either living with my aunt. But if that doesn't work out then I'm seriously going to run away, to some place that is 1000 times better than here. Even though If I get caught I will be in a lot of trouble, I don't give a shit. I really fucking can't wait until I'm out of this shithole. I wish I had a life with no abuse, negativity, or depression.
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I wish I was one of those girls who go to my school who have the perfect grades, boyfriend, hair, family, everything. Some people might think that I used to be one of those girls. Bullshit. I've gotten D's and C's ever since junior high, my family has always been abusive and disgusting, and I'm so sick that I need someone every day to talk to about my problems, and tell me that I'm special or else I will take a fucking blade and scratch that itch under my wrist. Yeah. My life is perfect. I'm not saying that everybodys life is perfect except mine. I mean I'm not stupid I know I'm not the only one that Is like this. I just...sometimes feel like I am. I don't know why. And I have these uncontrollable moodswings. It's like PMS 24/7. Except...its not pms. My doctor says its bc i'm bipolar. But what the fuck. I'll go in her office and we will talk about my day. And its funny because she has all these books like "you are special-love yourself" and "mama do you love me" and "i feel alone". Its amusing. Then we will talk about how fucked up my family is. and I will come out crying and then the next day I will have to go to school. The theme of my nightmares. Sometimes when I'm alone in my room, I get depressed just being alone with my thoughts. My mom told me it was a disease. Sometimes I pretend its a monster, that is actually living inside me. The monster has been living inside me ever since I was in 4th grade. Ok yeah the monster is actually my depression and I'm starting to sound like I'm a freak. Pills make my depression go away. Talking to Greg makes it go away faster than anything.He has become a drug almost. Every time I talk to him he makes me happy and makes me forget everything horrible in my life. And I'm becomming obsessed with him. Not disgustingly obessed, and not overly obsessed. Just Obessed. shit its 2:00 in the morning and I'm crying. I'm gonna.....go.