# I Have Effectively Lost Count
So I'm sitting here, drunk out of my mind and typing an emo entry. I'll probably look back feeling stupid but what the fuck, I need an outlet now.
So I haven't been blogging. Which means life is good right. I thought it was.
So I broke up after a 4 years plus relationship. And I have been strong. At least I thought I was. But now that I'm drunk with all be inhibitions removed, I realise how NOT strong I am. 'm in actual fact, weak. Very WEAK.
So I put myself out in the market, telling myself it's all just a game, but every time I get disappointed, a little of me dies inside. I mean, what's wrong with me. Why am I not desirable? Did I not play the game correctly? Or perhaps I'm targeting the wrong people. But who's to say what"s right or wrong from the first look?
I'm upset. I'm confused. I don't know what is it that I did wrong. Did I make the wrong choice of leaving?
I can't stand it that I'm working now and I can't take time off to heal my wounds. I could, perhaps. But I have responsibilities to uphold. Perhaps it's a good form of distraction. But I know I need some time to settle all these emotional baggages.
It's all a game. I keep telling myself. But how long can I stay strong before I break down completely and lose myself. Am I so needy. Can I not live by myself. Happy with singlehood? Why do I crave for attention so much. Is it because I was given attention before? This is not healthy. Not at all. Why did I drink so much in the first place. Wasn't feeling emo. Or perhaps I was but I didn't know?
Disappointments. All disappointments. No men in my life has ever made me feel proud. Proud to have them.
I'm fucking drunk and my hair is dripping and the bird are chirping. I have fucking work to do and I'm still awake, not being able to sleep, tying away, because I'm fucking emo drunk.
Why, 24 years of my life and I'm still very much the same. Some things are hard to change I suppose. Everyone changes, except you. It's like as though I will never learn my lesson. But at least I tried my best today, and not "throw face", if you know what I mean.
I wonder who's gonna read this post. I wonder if anyone out there understands the emotions I'm going through. I hate being a girl. I hate being able to feel, being able to love. Is it that I have too much love to give? Such that every guy that shows the least bit interest is a potential soulmate?
I feel so unfairly treated. I am here, typing into cyberspace, with no one responding to my pleas of help on whatspp. Am I seriously needy? I think I am, especially when I'm drunk.
I guess typing helps me a little. I'm starting to feel less woozy. But I am still pretty much woozy. How do I sleep in such a state. Do I not sleep and keep working till my all drained out?
Would anyone, anyone at all, just talk to me? So I can feel better about myself? I hate drinking. It makes me feel like fuck. Why in the world did I allow myself to be in such a disgraceful situation. What the fuck seriously. What the FUCK.
So now my stomach feels queasy and when I close my eyes I feel fucking woozy. I feel fucking numb. I think if I were to jump from the 21st floor I will probably die without feeling any sort of pain fr have any idea what the fuck just happened.
Please world, I'm begging you. Could you please talk to me till I'm sober and ready for bed? I need help. I really do.
Save me from myself please.
So I haven't been blogging. Which means life is good right. I thought it was.
So I broke up after a 4 years plus relationship. And I have been strong. At least I thought I was. But now that I'm drunk with all be inhibitions removed, I realise how NOT strong I am. 'm in actual fact, weak. Very WEAK.
So I put myself out in the market, telling myself it's all just a game, but every time I get disappointed, a little of me dies inside. I mean, what's wrong with me. Why am I not desirable? Did I not play the game correctly? Or perhaps I'm targeting the wrong people. But who's to say what"s right or wrong from the first look?
I'm upset. I'm confused. I don't know what is it that I did wrong. Did I make the wrong choice of leaving?
I can't stand it that I'm working now and I can't take time off to heal my wounds. I could, perhaps. But I have responsibilities to uphold. Perhaps it's a good form of distraction. But I know I need some time to settle all these emotional baggages.
It's all a game. I keep telling myself. But how long can I stay strong before I break down completely and lose myself. Am I so needy. Can I not live by myself. Happy with singlehood? Why do I crave for attention so much. Is it because I was given attention before? This is not healthy. Not at all. Why did I drink so much in the first place. Wasn't feeling emo. Or perhaps I was but I didn't know?
Disappointments. All disappointments. No men in my life has ever made me feel proud. Proud to have them.
I'm fucking drunk and my hair is dripping and the bird are chirping. I have fucking work to do and I'm still awake, not being able to sleep, tying away, because I'm fucking emo drunk.
Why, 24 years of my life and I'm still very much the same. Some things are hard to change I suppose. Everyone changes, except you. It's like as though I will never learn my lesson. But at least I tried my best today, and not "throw face", if you know what I mean.
I wonder who's gonna read this post. I wonder if anyone out there understands the emotions I'm going through. I hate being a girl. I hate being able to feel, being able to love. Is it that I have too much love to give? Such that every guy that shows the least bit interest is a potential soulmate?
I feel so unfairly treated. I am here, typing into cyberspace, with no one responding to my pleas of help on whatspp. Am I seriously needy? I think I am, especially when I'm drunk.
I guess typing helps me a little. I'm starting to feel less woozy. But I am still pretty much woozy. How do I sleep in such a state. Do I not sleep and keep working till my all drained out?
Would anyone, anyone at all, just talk to me? So I can feel better about myself? I hate drinking. It makes me feel like fuck. Why in the world did I allow myself to be in such a disgraceful situation. What the fuck seriously. What the FUCK.
So now my stomach feels queasy and when I close my eyes I feel fucking woozy. I feel fucking numb. I think if I were to jump from the 21st floor I will probably die without feeling any sort of pain fr have any idea what the fuck just happened.
Please world, I'm begging you. Could you please talk to me till I'm sober and ready for bed? I need help. I really do.
Save me from myself please.