FIC: Forever Home - Chapter 97 of 100
Title: Forever Home - Chapter 97 of 100
Author: Shadowc44
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Kadam (Kurt Hummel/Adam Crawford)
Rating: R
Spoilers: AU. If you’ve seen Kurt and Adam interact, you’re good.
Summary: Adam is bored, and realizes he needs a companion. He decides to adopt a hybrid human/cat.
Warning: Mention of past abuse (non-sexual) from other canon Glee characters. This fic is not particularly kind to most canon Glee characters.
Length: About 5,500 words this chapter. About 441,000 words so far.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Glee characters in this story; they're owned by Fox. Any non-Glee characters are my own invention.
Chapter 96
CHAPTER 97
When they were both settled, Dr. Hanover asked Kurt how he was feeling.
“I’m fine,” he answered automatically, then stopped to think about it.
The doctor must have seen something in his expression, because he lifted an eyebrow and waited for Kurt to continue.
“I’m fine physically. Emotionally, I’m a little - confused?” He didn’t mean it to come out like a question, but then, he really wasn’t sure what all he was feeling.
“Would you like to talk about your emotions? Maybe we can sort things out.”
That seemed like a good idea. “Well, let’s see. I’m frustrated. Kind of mad. Kind of sad, too. I don’t know what I want.” He stopped and looked at the doctor, waiting to see his response.
“Do you know how you’d like to feel?”
That startled him. He hadn’t really given that any thought. “I want to feel good. Calm, happy, content.”
“But if I’m understanding you correctly, you’re feeling the opposite of those things right now,” the doctor pointed out.
“Right.”
“Is there anything in particular you can think of that brought about these feelings? Anything different you or Adam did today?”
“No.” Again, the response was automatic. “Sorry, I mean…probably. Adam wanted me to help him figure out what books to use for the reading group. He thought I’d recognize the books on his list, but I didn’t. We read books in school specifically for hybrids. Some might not have read any other books.”
Dr. Hanover nodded once. “Yes, I’ve seen some of those.”
“Did you read any of them?” He was really curious to know what people, besides Adam, would think of them.
“Yes. I remember Harold reading them, and I was curious about the difference between his books and mine. My parents didn’t want him reading things that were really suspenseful, or exciting, or things that would make him really emotional, so he didn’t read any of mine. But he’d look at the covers, the titles, and he’d try to guess, based on those things, what they were about.” The doctor smiled at the memory, and Kurt was surprised how much it softened his face. “Sometimes he was pretty close, and sometimes, the publishers come up with covers that don’t seem to have much to do with the title. Or the title only makes sense after you’ve gone through a good part of the book.”
He stopped, and his cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry, we’re talking about you, not me or my family.”
He seemed more flustered than Kurt had ever seen him. “That’s okay, I asked you about the books.”
“Yes. What we should be discussing is what happened today to upset you.”
“Well, I’m trying to get to that.” Kurt tried not to show his annoyance. “I told Adam about our books, and what they were about. He seemed kind of upset about it, like they’re giving us the wrong message or something.”
He was looking carefully at Dr. Hanover’s face, so he saw the clenching of his jaw and the lowering of his eyebrows.
“Do you think they’re giving us the wrong message?” he asked the doctor.
Dr. Hanover cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Kurt. I’m trying to not influence you, and perhaps I’m not doing a good job of that. What I think doesn’t matter. I want to know how you feel.”
Kurt sighed, and looked down at his feet. “Talking about it made me want to read the books again. Adam wanted to read them, so we went to the store and got some of them, along with some of the people books - the human books - that he wants the group to read. I saw some hybrid books I hadn’t read before, so Adam got those, too. I’d been telling him there weren’t any about rabbit hybrids, but I guess now they are. Maybe there are more of them than there used to be when I went to school?”
“It could be. I’m not sure if Artie read any of those. I imagine he read whichever ones were assigned in school.”
“Yeah, well, maybe he shouldn’t read the one I was reading.” Kurt bit his lip. “It’s not my place to tell you that, it’s just that it kind of upset me, and would probably be worse for him.”
“What upset you about it?”
Kurt considered what he should say. The doctor, like Adam, was human. How much would he understand about a story meant for a hybrid? “Well, I didn’t get a chance to finish it, but I think the message was that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t please your owner. And then they can give you back to the store, and it might take a long time to get adopted again. Or you might never be adopted again. I want to know if anyone adopts Benjy Bunny again, maybe someone who will like him in his human form, too, and he can be what they want him to be. Not someone else who only likes him as a rabbit and wants him to stay that way all the time and still isn’t happy and -“ He started coughing.
Dr. Hanover brought him a bottle of water. “I’m sorry, I should have offered you this when you first came in.”
Kurt drank some water carefully, then his throat didn’t feel so tight. “Thanks.”
“What was the book called?”
“Huh? Oh, I think it was something like ‘Benjy Bunny - Easter Present’. No, ‘Easter Surprise’. He was an Easter present for a little girl.”
Dr. Hanover took a deep breath. “So this girl’s parents gave her a hybrid rabbit for an Easter present?”
“Yeah. He was a teenage boy, and that’s the part she didn’t like.”
“I see.”
Kurt saw several emotions pass over Dr. Hanover’s face before it smoothed out again. The vet spoke slowly, his tone serious.
“I wonder if there isn’t another message to the book. Perhaps it’s that parents should think very carefully before giving a child another living being as a pet. Whether it’s a full animal, or a hybrid animal. If it’s a surprise, it might not be as nice a one as the parents think. Sometimes children get bored with a pet, and treat them like they would a toy. They sort of put them in a corner and ignore them. I wonder if the little girl in this story wouldn’t have been happier with a stuffed rabbit.”
“Yeah, maybe. I didn’t think about it like that. But I don’t think that’s the lesson we were supposed to get from it.”
“Why not?”
“Because those books always end the same way. With the hybrid learning A Very Valuable Lesson.” He made sure the capital letters were clear in his voice.
“The hybrids, and not the human owners?”
“Right. Because the owner is always right. It’s the pet that makes the mistakes, or does stupid things, or doesn’t think, or breaks the rules, or causes trouble in some way.” Kurt clamped his lips shut to keep from saying anything, because his throat wanted to close up again. He sniffed, and wiped at his face, wondering why it was damp. He relaxed his mouth enough to drink some more water. He really wanted to go to sleep, or change back into a cat.
“Kurt. Are you alright?”
He blinked, and saw Dr. Hanover was crouched next to him, holding a box of tissues out. Kurt took the box and put it on his lap. How had the doctor gotten up from the desk without him seeing? He remembered the doctor had asked a question. Probably how he was feeling.
“I’m fine.” Yes, always fine. People didn’t want to hear anything else.
Dr. Hanover stood up slowly and carefully. Maybe his back was hurting him or something. “Would you like me to have Adam come in?
“Oh, sure.” He started to stand up, but Dr. Hanover held up his hand.
“Please sit down, Kurt. I meant, would you feel better if Adam were here with you?”
“Oh, you mean to come in with me? Not instead, for me to go out and wait?”
“Your session isn’t over yet. But I think it might help if Adam came in, too. It might help you to have him here, and I think he should hear some of this.”
Kurt shook his head at the same time he said, “Okay.”
Dr. Hanover paused. “Which is it? Yes or no?”
Kurt realized it might have been confusing. “Yes, please bring Adam in. And maybe it will help him, with the reading group, if he knows - He’s curious about what we’ve already read,” he explained. Or maybe he’d already said that? He wasn’t sure.
“Okay.” Dr. Hanover picked up his phone and spoke quietly to Sara.
“He’ll be here in a minute.”
“Okay.” Kurt wiped his face with the tissues, and hoped his skin didn’t look too blotchy. He hated it when he cried. But he wasn’t sure why he’d been crying, just that the tears were still coming. Crap. He blew his nose, and tossed the used tissue into the trash bin by the doctor’s desk. He wondered if he should ask to go to the bathroom so he could clean up before Adam got there. Adam certainly wouldn’t want to see him like that. He might -- He gasped as someone knocked on the door.
“Come in,” Dr. Hanover called.
Kurt took a deep breath and tried his counting exercise to calm down, as Adam came into the room.
“Is everything alright? Sara asked me to come in here…” His voice trailed off as he looked at Kurt.
Kurt blushed, knowing he must look awful. He tried to curl in on himself, but it wasn’t as easy to do as when he was a cat. There were a lot of things that were easier to do as a cat, come to think of it.
“Oh, Kurt, what’s the matter?”
He blinked more tears away and looked up at his human - his owner - Adam - reached out to gather him in his arms. Kurt stood up part-way to meet him. He buried his face in the comforting chest. He felt them moving, Adam guiding him and Dr. Hanover’s careful hand on his back.
“Sit down, love.”
Kurt pulled far enough away from Adam to see they were in front of the sofa. Adam sat down first, gesturing for Kurt to sit next to him. He knew he should obey, but found himself crawling into his lap instead. He wanted so badly to change, because it would be easier for Adam to hold him if he was a cat. But nobody had given him permission to do that. Adam didn’t push him away, so that was something.
Dr. Hanover took a chair nearby. He set the box of tissues on a table next to the sofa, and Kurt’s water as well. He brought a bottle for Adam.
“Kurt, darling, it’s okay, I’m here.” Adam grabbed some tissues and wiped his face, and Kurt let him. “Here, sweetheart, drink some water.”
He took the bottle from Adam’s hand and drank, closing his eyes as he did so. He knew he should pull himself together; he wanted to do that. He just didn’t know why it was so hard.
“Adam, I wanted you to sit in on the rest of the session, if Kurt is ready. But if you’d rather take him home now, that’s fine, too. We can reschedule your session for another day.”
“What do you want to do, love? Kurt?”
Why was Adam asking him? It wasn’t up to him. Adam was supposed to make the hard choices, didn’t he know that? What kind of owner didn’t even understand the most basic responsibilities?
“Kurt, you need to use your words,” Adam insisted. “It’s obvious you’re upset, but I don’t know if you want to stay here or go home.”
He intended to say “go home” but what came out was “here”. Maybe it was quiet enough that they wouldn’t have heard him? Humans didn’t have very good hearing.
“Okay, we’ll stay.”
Kurt supposed that would be acceptable. At least he could be comfortable, resting against Adam.
“But it might be easier to talk if you could turn around, and face Dr. Hanover.”
Well…he’d still be in Adam’s arms, and with his back against him, he should be safe enough.
It was very awkward, and rather painful for Adam, he thought, as he tried to move around without actually letting go of his owner. They finally got him turned so he was facing the doctor. He was surprised to see the doctor wasn’t angry or annoyed or upset with him in any way. He was back to being patient and calm. He was sitting in a chair facing the sofa, but there was a coffee table in between them.
“Whenever you’re ready to talk, Kurt. If you can, I’d like you to tell Adam, and me, what got you so upset.”
“I don’t remember.” It wasn’t quite true, but maybe it would get him out of having to say it. He did actually have rather a lot on his mind, so it wasn’t a complete lie.
“Shall I help?”
He wanted to say, “Please don’t,” but didn’t dare. It wasn’t a good idea to annoy authority figures.
He heard Adam answer for him. “Please.”
Dr. Hanover looked down at his notes. “We were talking about the lessons in the hybrid books. Kurt and I had different interpretations of one of them. He said the lesson was that humans are always right, and it’s always the hybrid who is in the wrong, who makes mistakes or in some way breaks the rules or causes trouble.”
Adam clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “What nonsense. Humans are just as capable of being wrong or making mistakes. Or even breaking the rules.” His voice softened as he added, “You know these things, Kurt. You’ve seen me make mistakes. Come on, I know you have.”
Kurt nodded slowly. “Yes. But it’s confusing. You’re supposed to always be right, so that when I’m wrong, you can correct me. Or guide me. Or punish me, or whatever. It’s your job to make sure I learn from my mistakes.”
Adam sighed heavily, and buried his face in Kurt’s hair. It felt nice enough that he wasn’t going to even think about what his hair looked like right now.
After a moment, Adam gently tried to move him. “Please, Kurt, sit here next to me. You can get as close as you like, but I think we should see each other face to face. I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to see that I’m sincere.”
Kurt didn’t want to get off his lap, but understood the sense in what he was suggesting. He sat next to Adam, and adjusted his position until they could see each other.
While he was getting himself arranged, Adam spoke to Dr. Hanover. “I know Kurt’s session is probably close to being over, but maybe this can roll over into our joint session? Or my individual session?”
“Yes, that would be fine. Let’s keep going and see if you still have time.”
Kurt was now settled and waiting to hear what Adam had to say.
Adam looked over at him and smiled sadly.
“Kurt, I’m not perfect. Nobody is. Not any human, or hybrid, not anyone. We all make mistakes. But we can both learn, when one of us makes a mistake. Maybe it’s wrong for me to expect you to be independent. I know it’s not something you were ever raised to think about. I need to know, though, what would be best for you. Do you want me to treat you like a beloved pet, whether you’re in animal or human form? Or would you rather I treat you as a human being when you’re human?”
Kurt blinked rapidly, trying to process these confusing questions. “I don’t know,” he said, to give himself more time to think. “I always thought I’d be adopted by someone who would know how they were supposed to treat me, and how they were supposed to act.”
“You mean, according to everything you’d been taught about being a hybrid?”
“Yes.”
“Are you unhappy with the way I’ve been treating you?”
Kurt blinked rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay. “No. I like it. I’m just not sure I’m supposed to like it.”
“Can you explain in more detail, Kurt?” Dr. Hanover asked. “I’d really like to understand what you’re feeling.”
Kurt sniffled, then grabbed a tissue and blew his nose. He wadded the tissue up and tossed it in the trash. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “I’m kind of wondering when something bad is going to happen. When someone will come along and tell Adam he’s not supposed to be so nice to me, or I’m not supposed to be making my own decisions.”
“What makes you think that’s going to happen?”
“Because things are too good. I’m afraid it’s not going to last.”
“But what about the people who do treat their pets well? I’ve seen some owners who love their pets very much, and spoil them rotten,” the doctor pointed out.
Kurt knew he was right. “I have heard about that, but I don’t know whether to believe it really happens. It’s easier to believe the bad things than the good things, sometimes.”
“I think we’re getting somewhere now. Do you think only bad things are ever going to happen to you?”
Kurt squirmed uncomfortably. “I don’t know. That’s what I kept thinking when I was at the store. Everyone seemed to think I’d never find an owner, even a bad one, because I was too difficult. I wasn’t like the others, I was - they thought I was too independent.” He wanted to think about that for a minute. “My dad kind of let me do what I wanted when I was at home. For one thing, he wasn’t there a lot of the time, so he trusted me to do the right thing, and not do anything stupid that would get me hurt or in trouble. But when he realized he really could trust me, he let me make more decisions when I was at home.
“Then everything changed, when they came to take me away. I had to start doing everything I was told, exactly the way I was told, right then, no questions, no arguments. It’s like the reverse of what my dad had been doing. I didn’t like it. I tried to rebel at the store, but in some ways it just made it harder when I did have to give in and do things I didn’t want to do. But then Adam came along and adopted me, and now things are reversed again. It’s kind of like the way it was with my dad, but better. But going back and forth like that, it’s confusing.” He stopped to drink more water and take in some air before starting again. His mind felt a little clearer after the water.
“When I started reading that book, the Benjy Bunny book, some of that stuff came back to me, really strong. Like I was right there with Benjy, going through things with him. Going through things like I was him. It scared me, and made me feel really unsafe, even with Adam. Not like I don’t trust him, but I don’t trust - don’t trust the situation. I started worrying that Adam might change his mind about me.”
“Kurt, you know I’m not going to do that! We’ve talked about this before, and I thought we had resolved it!”
“I know,” Kurt sighed, “I’m just saying. When Dr. Hanover asked me, I was just trying to answer as honestly as I can.”
Adam took Kurt’s hand in his and squeezed. “Alright. I just wanted to be sure you understood.”
“Kurt, I’m trying to figure out just what it was about the books that made you uneasy,” Dr. Hanover said. “Can you talk about that a little bit more?”
Kurt thought about it. “Well, at first I thought, this is really easy to read now with my glasses. And it’s not even that well-written. It felt like it was almost too easy to read now. But it was also familiar. Not exactly - I never read this book. But most of them are very similar. It was like…like falling into an old habit. Like, I learned pretty young not to play with Dad’s socks and Mom’s sweaters - I did that when I was a kitten, I mean. But it was kind of like, seeing a really comfortable sweater thrown on a chair, I might want to jump on it anyway, even though I know I shouldn’t, and I haven’t done it in a long time. I’d see it and remember how fun it was, and want to try it again.”
“Are you saying these books are fun?” Adam asked.
“No.” Kurt wasn’t sure how to explain it, but he tried. “Just that starting to read one again sort of took me back to my childhood, to the time I was reading that type of story. It brought up some of those same feelings. I knew I was reading a story, but I could also feel what Benjy was feeling, and I was getting anxious for him, even though he’s not real.”
“Doctor Hanover, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Adam asked.
Kurt thought it was a stupid question, but stopped himself from rolling his eyes. How would the doctor know what Adam was thinking, much less if they were thinking the same thing?
“What’s that?”
“That maybe there’s something in the books…not like a chemical, that would probably be too complicated and maybe dangerous. I’m just wondering if there’s something about the books that might be hypnotizing the hybrids? Or programming them or something?”
“Like subliminal suggestions? I don’t think so. But what I recall of the books I saw in the past, that our parents bought for my brother Harold, they were very repetitive. They would use the same phrases or patterns of words, over and over. It was sort of rhythmic. Sort of the way some songs have extremely repetitious lyrics, like they’re trying to beat you over the head with an idea.”
“Yes, that makes sense. The few I looked over, and the words Kurt has said a lot, are things like, shouldn’t, good, bad, learned your lesson, obey, stupid, bad idea, mind your parents, mind your teacher, mind your owner, and others along those lines.”
Dr. Hanover nodded thoughtfully. “I think those ideas were not only taught by parents and in schools, but reinforced by the books. To the point that Kurt, who has been showing remarkable progress, started regressing.”
“What’s regressing?” Kurt asked quietly, at the same time wondering how words came out of his mouth without his permission.
“Going backwards,” the doctor explained easily. “I haven’t seen you this frightened since the first time I saw you. Even then, I don’t think it was this bad.”
Kurt opened his mouth to respond, then shut it again. He wasn’t really sure how to explain it.
“Take your time. You know anything you say here, stays here. Nobody besides Adam or I will hear it.”
Kurt tried counting again, to get his breathing under better control. “I feel better now. In fact, I’m kind of embarrassed to let you both see me like that.”
Adam simply hugged him, and kissed his cheek.
Dr. Hanover said, “You don’t need to be embarrassed. If you are, that’s fine, but I’m not here to judge you, Kurt. I’m trying to help you. In order to do that, we need to get to the root of the problem, not just push it aside and pretend it doesn’t exist.”
“Okay.” He closed his eyes for a moment. For some reason it was easier to concentrate if he couldn’t see anybody looking at him. When he thought he’d gotten a handle on what he wanted to say, he opened his eyes.
“I’m feeling a little better now. I think it does help to have Adam here.”
“What about your reaction to the book?”
He bit his lip. “I don’t know how to explain it. It was kind of like being back in school, even talking about it was hard. It’s just so easy to feel exactly what Benjy was feeling. Or what any hybrid pet in that situation would feel. Wanting to be loved, but being rejected, because of how you look, things you can’t help. Benjy wanted the girl to like him, to be willing to play with him, but she only wanted to do that when he was a rabbit. She didn’t want the human part of him.”
“Kurt, would it be the same if a someone wanted the human part of a hybrid, and rejected the animal side?”
Kurt flinched at that. He knew what that was like, too. “That’s just as bad. When I was in the store, and trying so hard to stay as a cat as much as I could, it was because the others there didn’t like my human side. They didn’t like my looks, or my voice, or my sense of humor. I was trying to hide, or pretend I didn’t have that other side. But sometimes it had to come out, I just had to change. We’re not meant to stay just one or the other, animal or human, I don’t think. I’m not sure if you humans can understand what that’s like.”
Adam nodded slowly. “Well, maybe in some ways it’s like my parents wanting me to not be gay. They’d have preferred I suppressed and ignored that part of me forever, to just act like it didn’t exist. I couldn’t do that. I could pretend for a little while, maybe, but I would have been very unhappy staying like that, pretending to be straight, if I could never have really been myself. Being gay isn’t all of who I am, and it’s not like my body physically changes to another form if I pretend I’m not attracted to me. But it’s a big enough part of who I am that perhaps it’s similar to your situation.”
“Maybe.” Kurt leaned his head on Adam’s shoulder. “I’m sorry it was so hard for you to be yourself with your parents.”
“Well, that’s over now. I’m living here, where it’s a lot easier to express that part of myself. And I think now I have a better idea of what it’s like for you, and why you need both cat and human time.”
Kurt lifted his head to look at Kurt, and glanced over at Dr. Hanover, who was just listening quietly, writing a few notes. “I think it’s similar, but you can be gay and other things at the same time. I mean, a writer, a singer, like that. I can’t be entirely cat or human without some of the other coming through, at least a little bit, maybe just in my brain. But I feel - I’m not sure, closer to you, I guess, now that I know we’re a little more alike than I thought.”
Dr. Hanover leaned back in his chair.
“I think I feel the same,” Adam confessed, “but I never thought of the similarities before.” He cleared his throat. “I just want to make sure you understand, I will never take you back to the store, or give you away, or reject you. I love both sides of you. I can’t say that I understand the cat side as well as the human, though I like to think I’m getting better at figuring you out.”
“You are,” Kurt reassured him.
“Kurt, you seem much calmer now,” Dr. Hanover said. “Do you think you’re almost back to being yourself now?”
“Who was I before?” Kurt realized he was asking the question of himself as well as the doctor.
“Who do you think?” the doctor answered. Very annoying.
“I guess I was like a younger me, more scared, more - vulnerable. Me before Adam was in my life.” He shook his head and clucked his tongue in annoyance. “I’m sorry, that sounds really weird, but it’s the closest I can get to explaining it.”
“Do you think you could maybe read a little bit of the book again without reacting negatively to it?”
Adam held him more tightly to him. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. But I did bring the books along. Some are in my bag, some in Kurt’s.”
“You brought them?” Kurt asked. He bent down and opened his bag. He found the book he was looking for.
“Kurt, you don’t have to do this,” Dr. Hanover explained. “But I’d like you to read a page or two, with both of us here in the room. You know you’re safe, you’re here now, you’re not back there when you were scared and lonely and didn’t understand why some people treated you badly.”
“Okay.” He looked up at Adam, to make sure he approved.
“It’s up to you, Kurt. Do whatever feels right to you.”
Kurt nodded, lips tight. He could make this decision. He could make a lot of decisions, it wasn’t always Adam’s job to decide everything for him. He knew that, but it was like he’d forgotten it for a little while.
“I’ll do it.” He opened the book and skimmed through it till he got to the part where he’d stopped reading.
“Benjy was alone. There were other hybrids who lived in the store, but they weren’t like him. They hadn’t been bad. They still had a chance to be adopted. Nobody would want to buy him, even at a discounted price. They’d take one look at his collar and know he was a reject, not worthy of being owned. Someone had already returned him for not being good enough.”
Kurt closed the book on his finger, and said, “That’s bullshit. It wasn’t Benjy’s fault. He didn’t do anything wrong. The little girl didn’t like him, but not because he was bad. Just because he was a teenage boy and she didn’t like them. He was returned and treated like he wasn’t any good, just because she didn’t like his face, his looks, his - his - just him being a boy, a teenage boy.” He stopped, realizing he was getting angry.
“Very good, Kurt,” Dr. Hanover praised him. “It wasn’t Benjy’s fault. Do you think someone else was at fault?”
He thought about it a little. Was it the girl’s fault? Maybe not. It wasn’t like she had picked him out and said she wanted him, then changed her mind. He remembered what Dr. Hanover had said before. “Maybe you were right. Maybe it’s the parents’ fault for picking a pet out for her, without asking her what she wanted, or making sure they’d be compatible, or even if she wanted a pet at all. This surprise wasn’t a very good one, because they didn’t really know if she’d like it.”
“How did you feel when you read it? It didn’t seem to make you nervous or upset.”
“No.” He tried to figure out why. “Because we were just talking about it, so I knew Adam wasn’t going to treat me like Benjy. I know he loves me more than that.”
“Ah. If I may interject?” Adam asked.
Dr. Hanover nodded.
“Kurt, you told me pretty early on that you sometimes just need to be hugged, and also that you needed me to love you. Well, maybe I haven’t been as loving as I should. I sometimes get too distracted with my writing or other things. I try to remember what I consider the important things, making sure you eat, and take a nap, and have enough time as a cat. Remembering to brush or massage you. But I don’t think I’ve been doing enough hugging, or cuddling. Maybe you need that physical reassurance.”
“This is really nice,” Kurt whispered. He raised his voice slightly. “I’d really like it if you’d hug me more often.”
“Alright. I’ll do my best to remember that. Please do remind me, though, if I forget, or get busy and don’t think about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, but I’ve told you before I’m not that used to having someone around to be affectionate with.”
“Okay.” Kurt yawned, surprising himself. “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so sleepy now.”
“You’ve been through a lot emotionally,” the doctor explained. “Kurt, perhaps you’d like to take a nap while I talk with Adam a while. I promise Sara will come and get you and bring you out to Adam when we’re done.”
“Okay. What about visiting with Artie?” He put his hand over his mouth to try to prevent another yawn from escaping.
“I think right now sleep is more important than socializing. You can visit him next time you’re here, I promise. And you’ll be seeing him in a few days for the reading lesson.”
“That’s true.”
Dr. Hanover called Sara in, and asked her to take Kurt to the resting area and give him a snack.
“Oh, yeah, I am hungry,” Kurt realized.
He put the book inside his bag, then carried it out with him as he followed Sara. Yeah, a little snack and a nap sounded really nice right now.
Next - Chapter 98
Author: Shadowc44
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Kadam (Kurt Hummel/Adam Crawford)
Rating: R
Spoilers: AU. If you’ve seen Kurt and Adam interact, you’re good.
Summary: Adam is bored, and realizes he needs a companion. He decides to adopt a hybrid human/cat.
Warning: Mention of past abuse (non-sexual) from other canon Glee characters. This fic is not particularly kind to most canon Glee characters.
Length: About 5,500 words this chapter. About 441,000 words so far.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Glee characters in this story; they're owned by Fox. Any non-Glee characters are my own invention.
Chapter 96
CHAPTER 97
When they were both settled, Dr. Hanover asked Kurt how he was feeling.
“I’m fine,” he answered automatically, then stopped to think about it.
The doctor must have seen something in his expression, because he lifted an eyebrow and waited for Kurt to continue.
“I’m fine physically. Emotionally, I’m a little - confused?” He didn’t mean it to come out like a question, but then, he really wasn’t sure what all he was feeling.
“Would you like to talk about your emotions? Maybe we can sort things out.”
That seemed like a good idea. “Well, let’s see. I’m frustrated. Kind of mad. Kind of sad, too. I don’t know what I want.” He stopped and looked at the doctor, waiting to see his response.
“Do you know how you’d like to feel?”
That startled him. He hadn’t really given that any thought. “I want to feel good. Calm, happy, content.”
“But if I’m understanding you correctly, you’re feeling the opposite of those things right now,” the doctor pointed out.
“Right.”
“Is there anything in particular you can think of that brought about these feelings? Anything different you or Adam did today?”
“No.” Again, the response was automatic. “Sorry, I mean…probably. Adam wanted me to help him figure out what books to use for the reading group. He thought I’d recognize the books on his list, but I didn’t. We read books in school specifically for hybrids. Some might not have read any other books.”
Dr. Hanover nodded once. “Yes, I’ve seen some of those.”
“Did you read any of them?” He was really curious to know what people, besides Adam, would think of them.
“Yes. I remember Harold reading them, and I was curious about the difference between his books and mine. My parents didn’t want him reading things that were really suspenseful, or exciting, or things that would make him really emotional, so he didn’t read any of mine. But he’d look at the covers, the titles, and he’d try to guess, based on those things, what they were about.” The doctor smiled at the memory, and Kurt was surprised how much it softened his face. “Sometimes he was pretty close, and sometimes, the publishers come up with covers that don’t seem to have much to do with the title. Or the title only makes sense after you’ve gone through a good part of the book.”
He stopped, and his cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry, we’re talking about you, not me or my family.”
He seemed more flustered than Kurt had ever seen him. “That’s okay, I asked you about the books.”
“Yes. What we should be discussing is what happened today to upset you.”
“Well, I’m trying to get to that.” Kurt tried not to show his annoyance. “I told Adam about our books, and what they were about. He seemed kind of upset about it, like they’re giving us the wrong message or something.”
He was looking carefully at Dr. Hanover’s face, so he saw the clenching of his jaw and the lowering of his eyebrows.
“Do you think they’re giving us the wrong message?” he asked the doctor.
Dr. Hanover cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Kurt. I’m trying to not influence you, and perhaps I’m not doing a good job of that. What I think doesn’t matter. I want to know how you feel.”
Kurt sighed, and looked down at his feet. “Talking about it made me want to read the books again. Adam wanted to read them, so we went to the store and got some of them, along with some of the people books - the human books - that he wants the group to read. I saw some hybrid books I hadn’t read before, so Adam got those, too. I’d been telling him there weren’t any about rabbit hybrids, but I guess now they are. Maybe there are more of them than there used to be when I went to school?”
“It could be. I’m not sure if Artie read any of those. I imagine he read whichever ones were assigned in school.”
“Yeah, well, maybe he shouldn’t read the one I was reading.” Kurt bit his lip. “It’s not my place to tell you that, it’s just that it kind of upset me, and would probably be worse for him.”
“What upset you about it?”
Kurt considered what he should say. The doctor, like Adam, was human. How much would he understand about a story meant for a hybrid? “Well, I didn’t get a chance to finish it, but I think the message was that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t please your owner. And then they can give you back to the store, and it might take a long time to get adopted again. Or you might never be adopted again. I want to know if anyone adopts Benjy Bunny again, maybe someone who will like him in his human form, too, and he can be what they want him to be. Not someone else who only likes him as a rabbit and wants him to stay that way all the time and still isn’t happy and -“ He started coughing.
Dr. Hanover brought him a bottle of water. “I’m sorry, I should have offered you this when you first came in.”
Kurt drank some water carefully, then his throat didn’t feel so tight. “Thanks.”
“What was the book called?”
“Huh? Oh, I think it was something like ‘Benjy Bunny - Easter Present’. No, ‘Easter Surprise’. He was an Easter present for a little girl.”
Dr. Hanover took a deep breath. “So this girl’s parents gave her a hybrid rabbit for an Easter present?”
“Yeah. He was a teenage boy, and that’s the part she didn’t like.”
“I see.”
Kurt saw several emotions pass over Dr. Hanover’s face before it smoothed out again. The vet spoke slowly, his tone serious.
“I wonder if there isn’t another message to the book. Perhaps it’s that parents should think very carefully before giving a child another living being as a pet. Whether it’s a full animal, or a hybrid animal. If it’s a surprise, it might not be as nice a one as the parents think. Sometimes children get bored with a pet, and treat them like they would a toy. They sort of put them in a corner and ignore them. I wonder if the little girl in this story wouldn’t have been happier with a stuffed rabbit.”
“Yeah, maybe. I didn’t think about it like that. But I don’t think that’s the lesson we were supposed to get from it.”
“Why not?”
“Because those books always end the same way. With the hybrid learning A Very Valuable Lesson.” He made sure the capital letters were clear in his voice.
“The hybrids, and not the human owners?”
“Right. Because the owner is always right. It’s the pet that makes the mistakes, or does stupid things, or doesn’t think, or breaks the rules, or causes trouble in some way.” Kurt clamped his lips shut to keep from saying anything, because his throat wanted to close up again. He sniffed, and wiped at his face, wondering why it was damp. He relaxed his mouth enough to drink some more water. He really wanted to go to sleep, or change back into a cat.
“Kurt. Are you alright?”
He blinked, and saw Dr. Hanover was crouched next to him, holding a box of tissues out. Kurt took the box and put it on his lap. How had the doctor gotten up from the desk without him seeing? He remembered the doctor had asked a question. Probably how he was feeling.
“I’m fine.” Yes, always fine. People didn’t want to hear anything else.
Dr. Hanover stood up slowly and carefully. Maybe his back was hurting him or something. “Would you like me to have Adam come in?
“Oh, sure.” He started to stand up, but Dr. Hanover held up his hand.
“Please sit down, Kurt. I meant, would you feel better if Adam were here with you?”
“Oh, you mean to come in with me? Not instead, for me to go out and wait?”
“Your session isn’t over yet. But I think it might help if Adam came in, too. It might help you to have him here, and I think he should hear some of this.”
Kurt shook his head at the same time he said, “Okay.”
Dr. Hanover paused. “Which is it? Yes or no?”
Kurt realized it might have been confusing. “Yes, please bring Adam in. And maybe it will help him, with the reading group, if he knows - He’s curious about what we’ve already read,” he explained. Or maybe he’d already said that? He wasn’t sure.
“Okay.” Dr. Hanover picked up his phone and spoke quietly to Sara.
“He’ll be here in a minute.”
“Okay.” Kurt wiped his face with the tissues, and hoped his skin didn’t look too blotchy. He hated it when he cried. But he wasn’t sure why he’d been crying, just that the tears were still coming. Crap. He blew his nose, and tossed the used tissue into the trash bin by the doctor’s desk. He wondered if he should ask to go to the bathroom so he could clean up before Adam got there. Adam certainly wouldn’t want to see him like that. He might -- He gasped as someone knocked on the door.
“Come in,” Dr. Hanover called.
Kurt took a deep breath and tried his counting exercise to calm down, as Adam came into the room.
“Is everything alright? Sara asked me to come in here…” His voice trailed off as he looked at Kurt.
Kurt blushed, knowing he must look awful. He tried to curl in on himself, but it wasn’t as easy to do as when he was a cat. There were a lot of things that were easier to do as a cat, come to think of it.
“Oh, Kurt, what’s the matter?”
He blinked more tears away and looked up at his human - his owner - Adam - reached out to gather him in his arms. Kurt stood up part-way to meet him. He buried his face in the comforting chest. He felt them moving, Adam guiding him and Dr. Hanover’s careful hand on his back.
“Sit down, love.”
Kurt pulled far enough away from Adam to see they were in front of the sofa. Adam sat down first, gesturing for Kurt to sit next to him. He knew he should obey, but found himself crawling into his lap instead. He wanted so badly to change, because it would be easier for Adam to hold him if he was a cat. But nobody had given him permission to do that. Adam didn’t push him away, so that was something.
Dr. Hanover took a chair nearby. He set the box of tissues on a table next to the sofa, and Kurt’s water as well. He brought a bottle for Adam.
“Kurt, darling, it’s okay, I’m here.” Adam grabbed some tissues and wiped his face, and Kurt let him. “Here, sweetheart, drink some water.”
He took the bottle from Adam’s hand and drank, closing his eyes as he did so. He knew he should pull himself together; he wanted to do that. He just didn’t know why it was so hard.
“Adam, I wanted you to sit in on the rest of the session, if Kurt is ready. But if you’d rather take him home now, that’s fine, too. We can reschedule your session for another day.”
“What do you want to do, love? Kurt?”
Why was Adam asking him? It wasn’t up to him. Adam was supposed to make the hard choices, didn’t he know that? What kind of owner didn’t even understand the most basic responsibilities?
“Kurt, you need to use your words,” Adam insisted. “It’s obvious you’re upset, but I don’t know if you want to stay here or go home.”
He intended to say “go home” but what came out was “here”. Maybe it was quiet enough that they wouldn’t have heard him? Humans didn’t have very good hearing.
“Okay, we’ll stay.”
Kurt supposed that would be acceptable. At least he could be comfortable, resting against Adam.
“But it might be easier to talk if you could turn around, and face Dr. Hanover.”
Well…he’d still be in Adam’s arms, and with his back against him, he should be safe enough.
It was very awkward, and rather painful for Adam, he thought, as he tried to move around without actually letting go of his owner. They finally got him turned so he was facing the doctor. He was surprised to see the doctor wasn’t angry or annoyed or upset with him in any way. He was back to being patient and calm. He was sitting in a chair facing the sofa, but there was a coffee table in between them.
“Whenever you’re ready to talk, Kurt. If you can, I’d like you to tell Adam, and me, what got you so upset.”
“I don’t remember.” It wasn’t quite true, but maybe it would get him out of having to say it. He did actually have rather a lot on his mind, so it wasn’t a complete lie.
“Shall I help?”
He wanted to say, “Please don’t,” but didn’t dare. It wasn’t a good idea to annoy authority figures.
He heard Adam answer for him. “Please.”
Dr. Hanover looked down at his notes. “We were talking about the lessons in the hybrid books. Kurt and I had different interpretations of one of them. He said the lesson was that humans are always right, and it’s always the hybrid who is in the wrong, who makes mistakes or in some way breaks the rules or causes trouble.”
Adam clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “What nonsense. Humans are just as capable of being wrong or making mistakes. Or even breaking the rules.” His voice softened as he added, “You know these things, Kurt. You’ve seen me make mistakes. Come on, I know you have.”
Kurt nodded slowly. “Yes. But it’s confusing. You’re supposed to always be right, so that when I’m wrong, you can correct me. Or guide me. Or punish me, or whatever. It’s your job to make sure I learn from my mistakes.”
Adam sighed heavily, and buried his face in Kurt’s hair. It felt nice enough that he wasn’t going to even think about what his hair looked like right now.
After a moment, Adam gently tried to move him. “Please, Kurt, sit here next to me. You can get as close as you like, but I think we should see each other face to face. I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to see that I’m sincere.”
Kurt didn’t want to get off his lap, but understood the sense in what he was suggesting. He sat next to Adam, and adjusted his position until they could see each other.
While he was getting himself arranged, Adam spoke to Dr. Hanover. “I know Kurt’s session is probably close to being over, but maybe this can roll over into our joint session? Or my individual session?”
“Yes, that would be fine. Let’s keep going and see if you still have time.”
Kurt was now settled and waiting to hear what Adam had to say.
Adam looked over at him and smiled sadly.
“Kurt, I’m not perfect. Nobody is. Not any human, or hybrid, not anyone. We all make mistakes. But we can both learn, when one of us makes a mistake. Maybe it’s wrong for me to expect you to be independent. I know it’s not something you were ever raised to think about. I need to know, though, what would be best for you. Do you want me to treat you like a beloved pet, whether you’re in animal or human form? Or would you rather I treat you as a human being when you’re human?”
Kurt blinked rapidly, trying to process these confusing questions. “I don’t know,” he said, to give himself more time to think. “I always thought I’d be adopted by someone who would know how they were supposed to treat me, and how they were supposed to act.”
“You mean, according to everything you’d been taught about being a hybrid?”
“Yes.”
“Are you unhappy with the way I’ve been treating you?”
Kurt blinked rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay. “No. I like it. I’m just not sure I’m supposed to like it.”
“Can you explain in more detail, Kurt?” Dr. Hanover asked. “I’d really like to understand what you’re feeling.”
Kurt sniffled, then grabbed a tissue and blew his nose. He wadded the tissue up and tossed it in the trash. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “I’m kind of wondering when something bad is going to happen. When someone will come along and tell Adam he’s not supposed to be so nice to me, or I’m not supposed to be making my own decisions.”
“What makes you think that’s going to happen?”
“Because things are too good. I’m afraid it’s not going to last.”
“But what about the people who do treat their pets well? I’ve seen some owners who love their pets very much, and spoil them rotten,” the doctor pointed out.
Kurt knew he was right. “I have heard about that, but I don’t know whether to believe it really happens. It’s easier to believe the bad things than the good things, sometimes.”
“I think we’re getting somewhere now. Do you think only bad things are ever going to happen to you?”
Kurt squirmed uncomfortably. “I don’t know. That’s what I kept thinking when I was at the store. Everyone seemed to think I’d never find an owner, even a bad one, because I was too difficult. I wasn’t like the others, I was - they thought I was too independent.” He wanted to think about that for a minute. “My dad kind of let me do what I wanted when I was at home. For one thing, he wasn’t there a lot of the time, so he trusted me to do the right thing, and not do anything stupid that would get me hurt or in trouble. But when he realized he really could trust me, he let me make more decisions when I was at home.
“Then everything changed, when they came to take me away. I had to start doing everything I was told, exactly the way I was told, right then, no questions, no arguments. It’s like the reverse of what my dad had been doing. I didn’t like it. I tried to rebel at the store, but in some ways it just made it harder when I did have to give in and do things I didn’t want to do. But then Adam came along and adopted me, and now things are reversed again. It’s kind of like the way it was with my dad, but better. But going back and forth like that, it’s confusing.” He stopped to drink more water and take in some air before starting again. His mind felt a little clearer after the water.
“When I started reading that book, the Benjy Bunny book, some of that stuff came back to me, really strong. Like I was right there with Benjy, going through things with him. Going through things like I was him. It scared me, and made me feel really unsafe, even with Adam. Not like I don’t trust him, but I don’t trust - don’t trust the situation. I started worrying that Adam might change his mind about me.”
“Kurt, you know I’m not going to do that! We’ve talked about this before, and I thought we had resolved it!”
“I know,” Kurt sighed, “I’m just saying. When Dr. Hanover asked me, I was just trying to answer as honestly as I can.”
Adam took Kurt’s hand in his and squeezed. “Alright. I just wanted to be sure you understood.”
“Kurt, I’m trying to figure out just what it was about the books that made you uneasy,” Dr. Hanover said. “Can you talk about that a little bit more?”
Kurt thought about it. “Well, at first I thought, this is really easy to read now with my glasses. And it’s not even that well-written. It felt like it was almost too easy to read now. But it was also familiar. Not exactly - I never read this book. But most of them are very similar. It was like…like falling into an old habit. Like, I learned pretty young not to play with Dad’s socks and Mom’s sweaters - I did that when I was a kitten, I mean. But it was kind of like, seeing a really comfortable sweater thrown on a chair, I might want to jump on it anyway, even though I know I shouldn’t, and I haven’t done it in a long time. I’d see it and remember how fun it was, and want to try it again.”
“Are you saying these books are fun?” Adam asked.
“No.” Kurt wasn’t sure how to explain it, but he tried. “Just that starting to read one again sort of took me back to my childhood, to the time I was reading that type of story. It brought up some of those same feelings. I knew I was reading a story, but I could also feel what Benjy was feeling, and I was getting anxious for him, even though he’s not real.”
“Doctor Hanover, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Adam asked.
Kurt thought it was a stupid question, but stopped himself from rolling his eyes. How would the doctor know what Adam was thinking, much less if they were thinking the same thing?
“What’s that?”
“That maybe there’s something in the books…not like a chemical, that would probably be too complicated and maybe dangerous. I’m just wondering if there’s something about the books that might be hypnotizing the hybrids? Or programming them or something?”
“Like subliminal suggestions? I don’t think so. But what I recall of the books I saw in the past, that our parents bought for my brother Harold, they were very repetitive. They would use the same phrases or patterns of words, over and over. It was sort of rhythmic. Sort of the way some songs have extremely repetitious lyrics, like they’re trying to beat you over the head with an idea.”
“Yes, that makes sense. The few I looked over, and the words Kurt has said a lot, are things like, shouldn’t, good, bad, learned your lesson, obey, stupid, bad idea, mind your parents, mind your teacher, mind your owner, and others along those lines.”
Dr. Hanover nodded thoughtfully. “I think those ideas were not only taught by parents and in schools, but reinforced by the books. To the point that Kurt, who has been showing remarkable progress, started regressing.”
“What’s regressing?” Kurt asked quietly, at the same time wondering how words came out of his mouth without his permission.
“Going backwards,” the doctor explained easily. “I haven’t seen you this frightened since the first time I saw you. Even then, I don’t think it was this bad.”
Kurt opened his mouth to respond, then shut it again. He wasn’t really sure how to explain it.
“Take your time. You know anything you say here, stays here. Nobody besides Adam or I will hear it.”
Kurt tried counting again, to get his breathing under better control. “I feel better now. In fact, I’m kind of embarrassed to let you both see me like that.”
Adam simply hugged him, and kissed his cheek.
Dr. Hanover said, “You don’t need to be embarrassed. If you are, that’s fine, but I’m not here to judge you, Kurt. I’m trying to help you. In order to do that, we need to get to the root of the problem, not just push it aside and pretend it doesn’t exist.”
“Okay.” He closed his eyes for a moment. For some reason it was easier to concentrate if he couldn’t see anybody looking at him. When he thought he’d gotten a handle on what he wanted to say, he opened his eyes.
“I’m feeling a little better now. I think it does help to have Adam here.”
“What about your reaction to the book?”
He bit his lip. “I don’t know how to explain it. It was kind of like being back in school, even talking about it was hard. It’s just so easy to feel exactly what Benjy was feeling. Or what any hybrid pet in that situation would feel. Wanting to be loved, but being rejected, because of how you look, things you can’t help. Benjy wanted the girl to like him, to be willing to play with him, but she only wanted to do that when he was a rabbit. She didn’t want the human part of him.”
“Kurt, would it be the same if a someone wanted the human part of a hybrid, and rejected the animal side?”
Kurt flinched at that. He knew what that was like, too. “That’s just as bad. When I was in the store, and trying so hard to stay as a cat as much as I could, it was because the others there didn’t like my human side. They didn’t like my looks, or my voice, or my sense of humor. I was trying to hide, or pretend I didn’t have that other side. But sometimes it had to come out, I just had to change. We’re not meant to stay just one or the other, animal or human, I don’t think. I’m not sure if you humans can understand what that’s like.”
Adam nodded slowly. “Well, maybe in some ways it’s like my parents wanting me to not be gay. They’d have preferred I suppressed and ignored that part of me forever, to just act like it didn’t exist. I couldn’t do that. I could pretend for a little while, maybe, but I would have been very unhappy staying like that, pretending to be straight, if I could never have really been myself. Being gay isn’t all of who I am, and it’s not like my body physically changes to another form if I pretend I’m not attracted to me. But it’s a big enough part of who I am that perhaps it’s similar to your situation.”
“Maybe.” Kurt leaned his head on Adam’s shoulder. “I’m sorry it was so hard for you to be yourself with your parents.”
“Well, that’s over now. I’m living here, where it’s a lot easier to express that part of myself. And I think now I have a better idea of what it’s like for you, and why you need both cat and human time.”
Kurt lifted his head to look at Kurt, and glanced over at Dr. Hanover, who was just listening quietly, writing a few notes. “I think it’s similar, but you can be gay and other things at the same time. I mean, a writer, a singer, like that. I can’t be entirely cat or human without some of the other coming through, at least a little bit, maybe just in my brain. But I feel - I’m not sure, closer to you, I guess, now that I know we’re a little more alike than I thought.”
Dr. Hanover leaned back in his chair.
“I think I feel the same,” Adam confessed, “but I never thought of the similarities before.” He cleared his throat. “I just want to make sure you understand, I will never take you back to the store, or give you away, or reject you. I love both sides of you. I can’t say that I understand the cat side as well as the human, though I like to think I’m getting better at figuring you out.”
“You are,” Kurt reassured him.
“Kurt, you seem much calmer now,” Dr. Hanover said. “Do you think you’re almost back to being yourself now?”
“Who was I before?” Kurt realized he was asking the question of himself as well as the doctor.
“Who do you think?” the doctor answered. Very annoying.
“I guess I was like a younger me, more scared, more - vulnerable. Me before Adam was in my life.” He shook his head and clucked his tongue in annoyance. “I’m sorry, that sounds really weird, but it’s the closest I can get to explaining it.”
“Do you think you could maybe read a little bit of the book again without reacting negatively to it?”
Adam held him more tightly to him. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. But I did bring the books along. Some are in my bag, some in Kurt’s.”
“You brought them?” Kurt asked. He bent down and opened his bag. He found the book he was looking for.
“Kurt, you don’t have to do this,” Dr. Hanover explained. “But I’d like you to read a page or two, with both of us here in the room. You know you’re safe, you’re here now, you’re not back there when you were scared and lonely and didn’t understand why some people treated you badly.”
“Okay.” He looked up at Adam, to make sure he approved.
“It’s up to you, Kurt. Do whatever feels right to you.”
Kurt nodded, lips tight. He could make this decision. He could make a lot of decisions, it wasn’t always Adam’s job to decide everything for him. He knew that, but it was like he’d forgotten it for a little while.
“I’ll do it.” He opened the book and skimmed through it till he got to the part where he’d stopped reading.
“Benjy was alone. There were other hybrids who lived in the store, but they weren’t like him. They hadn’t been bad. They still had a chance to be adopted. Nobody would want to buy him, even at a discounted price. They’d take one look at his collar and know he was a reject, not worthy of being owned. Someone had already returned him for not being good enough.”
Kurt closed the book on his finger, and said, “That’s bullshit. It wasn’t Benjy’s fault. He didn’t do anything wrong. The little girl didn’t like him, but not because he was bad. Just because he was a teenage boy and she didn’t like them. He was returned and treated like he wasn’t any good, just because she didn’t like his face, his looks, his - his - just him being a boy, a teenage boy.” He stopped, realizing he was getting angry.
“Very good, Kurt,” Dr. Hanover praised him. “It wasn’t Benjy’s fault. Do you think someone else was at fault?”
He thought about it a little. Was it the girl’s fault? Maybe not. It wasn’t like she had picked him out and said she wanted him, then changed her mind. He remembered what Dr. Hanover had said before. “Maybe you were right. Maybe it’s the parents’ fault for picking a pet out for her, without asking her what she wanted, or making sure they’d be compatible, or even if she wanted a pet at all. This surprise wasn’t a very good one, because they didn’t really know if she’d like it.”
“How did you feel when you read it? It didn’t seem to make you nervous or upset.”
“No.” He tried to figure out why. “Because we were just talking about it, so I knew Adam wasn’t going to treat me like Benjy. I know he loves me more than that.”
“Ah. If I may interject?” Adam asked.
Dr. Hanover nodded.
“Kurt, you told me pretty early on that you sometimes just need to be hugged, and also that you needed me to love you. Well, maybe I haven’t been as loving as I should. I sometimes get too distracted with my writing or other things. I try to remember what I consider the important things, making sure you eat, and take a nap, and have enough time as a cat. Remembering to brush or massage you. But I don’t think I’ve been doing enough hugging, or cuddling. Maybe you need that physical reassurance.”
“This is really nice,” Kurt whispered. He raised his voice slightly. “I’d really like it if you’d hug me more often.”
“Alright. I’ll do my best to remember that. Please do remind me, though, if I forget, or get busy and don’t think about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, but I’ve told you before I’m not that used to having someone around to be affectionate with.”
“Okay.” Kurt yawned, surprising himself. “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so sleepy now.”
“You’ve been through a lot emotionally,” the doctor explained. “Kurt, perhaps you’d like to take a nap while I talk with Adam a while. I promise Sara will come and get you and bring you out to Adam when we’re done.”
“Okay. What about visiting with Artie?” He put his hand over his mouth to try to prevent another yawn from escaping.
“I think right now sleep is more important than socializing. You can visit him next time you’re here, I promise. And you’ll be seeing him in a few days for the reading lesson.”
“That’s true.”
Dr. Hanover called Sara in, and asked her to take Kurt to the resting area and give him a snack.
“Oh, yeah, I am hungry,” Kurt realized.
He put the book inside his bag, then carried it out with him as he followed Sara. Yeah, a little snack and a nap sounded really nice right now.
Next - Chapter 98