(no subject)
So drained, physically and mentally.
I couldnt even bring my legs to run on the threadmill.
My brains and limbs are dancing to different songs, they refuse to coordinate.
My brains and mouth too. I know im getting fat all again, seriously. Im not being anorexic or anything cos I really AM getting fat. I couldnt tell this to anyone without them shrieking that I already lost weight. Yes I lost them but now they are piling back on again just because of some miscoordination between the nerves. IM NOT HUNGRY yet I need to eat. and eat. and eat. I just cant stop eating wtf is wrong with me?
And I really got cheated by myself. I though Subway's Tuna has the least calories of all. comparing that to subway melt/club, it looks relatively and deceptively cheaper and lesser calories apparently. and i just realised yesterday that it has 600 calories, even more than roasted beef, something which bf loves. To think I always secretly relishing the fact that he is eating more calories than me. The only thing I ever eat from Subway is probably the tuna sandwich and now this has to happen. So what? Am I going to just eat Subway Veggie Delite? I better.
Mummy is a great mummy yes she is. She cooks/creates/makes/bakes ALL KINDS OF THINGS. From banana cakes to chocolate bread to hotdog/otah bread to unagi/tuna sushi to ondeh ondeh to all kinds of curry to all kinds of soup. But she always go... "Joy, you can come and eat already okay?" Then I will say, "No need I just ate leh!" Then the next thing I know my legs brought me to the kitchen. you betrayer! And then it begins, the process. Yes. of eating.
MST is coming. Yes, it is. I have to study. But I feel so tired, I push myself to sleep and 12 and wake up and 4, survive on coffee and sadly, food to keep me awake. the thing is, I exercise still albeit less frequent. But the following time I exercise, I lose the momentum and I need to run to get it up and running but Im too tired to!!!!!!! I eat more now I know, but I dont snack on tidbits so why do I feel my chin, neck, hips and tummy getting fleshier?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!
Something is wrong with me and I am also secretly believing there's a curse Im under.
As I type this I realize Im getting hysterical, but I know that its just my brains up there playing tricks on me.
I genuinely want to be nice to myself, my body and my soul.
K rant over.