pages of our life

[appleguavajuice]

There is this point in life, when eventually, you got so used to all the rejections and failures that you realised that they no longer hurt you that much anymore. I guess I am at that stage now, I still want to be courageous and try different things constantly even when I do feel freaking scared on the inside, especially when it comes to my future career and stuff. Well, rejections are so common now, I no longer feel that I am just not good enough. Well, to be honest, I may not be the best here but I certainly am not as shit as I judge myself to be, or others judge me to be. Well, the first time when I was rejected by almost every single primary school in Singapore, I couldnt feel the impact at all because my parents were the ones who went everywhere trying to find a school to accept me, including boy's schools because they had no idea... Then the impact starts to hit really badly during junior college years, where I was not elected a student councillor even though I tried really hard to step out of my comfort zone and be as confident as the rest. Clearly, everyone saw through my false front and decided that I was just not good enough to be part of it. Well, at least I tried, but I was so devastated. I still remember my dad sticking little stickers on Mentos sweets one by one for me, because that was part of my campaign strategy. Then, I started to blame it on the fact that I am just not popular enough, not pretty enough, too fat, and have a super chines name. The peak of sadness came when I was rejected from NUS medicine. Alright, I have never ever imagined that scenario of not getting in before the interview. It's like I was so confident that anyone could see the amount of passion I have in the profession and how awesome I could be as a medical practitioner. For a period of time after the rejection, I refused to talk about it because I was so ashamed that I didnt get in, even though I seriously feel like I am so much more of a better candidate than some of the people who got in. I still feel that way. strongly. but i guess this is the only rejection that I count as a blessing, eventually. now, I am thrown back into the unsafe zone of not knowing what to do in the near future. I am also in a foreign country studying a subject which I initially had no idea how tough it might be. But to think of it again, I am glad that medicine rejected me. Unlike some of my peers, I do not have enough financial support to study medicine overseas, but I am very content now. I dont NEED to be a doctor. I can delve into a lot of things now. My options are still open, and being such a family oriented person, I would not want to work such crazy hours in a hospital. But i dont want my own clinic either. so mayeb the interviewers were right after all, I was just not suitable. Although to be fair, I still think I am definitely good enough to get in, it's just the flaws in the selection system.

So today, I just got rejected from the college's telethon thing. it's basically this calling team who will call alumni members and ask for donations. It has to be my accent. i thought i performed so well during the interview, which was why i was so surprised when i found out that i was rejected. this is a really small thing really, the only reason why i applied is because it allows me to make full use of my time while waiting to get on my flight to china, the timing was just right coincidentally. but oh well, i was a bit sad initially but cannot really blame them, it's all about the voice and the way you talk through the phone i guess?

this is like sort of a form of escapism from work. I need to do this essay by tonight. Have yet started. and i have loads of experiments to do tomorrow. shit life. i cannot even bear to look at the books because plant metabolism bores the hell out of me. after exhausting all the entertainment i could find online, i resort to venting out some emotions here.

alright, all the best for Will darling's 'exams' tomorrow! Super duper lots of loveeeeeee <3