condemned
what the fuck.
seriously, i dont give a damn and dont want to try so hard anymore alright.
i think religion, especially christianity is just a form of escapism. and nope, i dont need to make myself believe that there's a nicer place waiting for me when i die and follow rules of conduct from a book and let my life be dictated in any ways because i tried and i dont think any of these help me at all.
somehow, i feel like i have become a worse person than i used to be, lying and pretending to be nice. i want to be myself again and live life happily even though many things were going wrong for the past decade or more of my life.
so now, i shall stop lying to my religious friends and proclaim that it was a mistake at the very start. i shouldnt have succumbed to pressure and told everyone that i believe in Christ when then, i just wanted to live my life with a purpose. i just wanted to feel like i am living my life for someone else, someone bigger, so that i cannot disobey and therefore i cannot do any harm to myself because living has now become meaningful... sort of.
but hell fuck, i dont need to make myself live like this and feel guilty everyday for my sins (i dont feel guilty anyway, and the fact that as long as i believe i will be saved, i dont even feel bad about my sins) because this is shit life.
for those deluded christians, sorry the world had not reached an end yesterday, which means your wish of all the non-believers perishing had not come true. i also feel sorry for you that once again, you found explanations for yourself and made this another event of having your faith tested by God. so life goes on, too bad the Earth might be a shit place for you, I still want to enjoy the process of life without basing my faith on something i can never believe in.
and for my dear friends, some of those who are so close to me, dont have to talk to me about this alright? nothing can change anything now. and it's not because i am with will, it's totally not. this has in fact been at the back of my mind ever since i became a christian, i was just too cowardly to admit that my hasty decision was wrong. i feel bad for taking such a sacred decision so lightly.
so, this is the end. no more god-loves-me kinda talk bugging me. i do respect your decisions and will not take any of your faith lightly, but for now, give me a break.
and i will now put an end to mistreating myself and stop feeling so horrible everyday.
i need to love life.
seriously, i dont give a damn and dont want to try so hard anymore alright.
i think religion, especially christianity is just a form of escapism. and nope, i dont need to make myself believe that there's a nicer place waiting for me when i die and follow rules of conduct from a book and let my life be dictated in any ways because i tried and i dont think any of these help me at all.
somehow, i feel like i have become a worse person than i used to be, lying and pretending to be nice. i want to be myself again and live life happily even though many things were going wrong for the past decade or more of my life.
so now, i shall stop lying to my religious friends and proclaim that it was a mistake at the very start. i shouldnt have succumbed to pressure and told everyone that i believe in Christ when then, i just wanted to live my life with a purpose. i just wanted to feel like i am living my life for someone else, someone bigger, so that i cannot disobey and therefore i cannot do any harm to myself because living has now become meaningful... sort of.
but hell fuck, i dont need to make myself live like this and feel guilty everyday for my sins (i dont feel guilty anyway, and the fact that as long as i believe i will be saved, i dont even feel bad about my sins) because this is shit life.
for those deluded christians, sorry the world had not reached an end yesterday, which means your wish of all the non-believers perishing had not come true. i also feel sorry for you that once again, you found explanations for yourself and made this another event of having your faith tested by God. so life goes on, too bad the Earth might be a shit place for you, I still want to enjoy the process of life without basing my faith on something i can never believe in.
and for my dear friends, some of those who are so close to me, dont have to talk to me about this alright? nothing can change anything now. and it's not because i am with will, it's totally not. this has in fact been at the back of my mind ever since i became a christian, i was just too cowardly to admit that my hasty decision was wrong. i feel bad for taking such a sacred decision so lightly.
so, this is the end. no more god-loves-me kinda talk bugging me. i do respect your decisions and will not take any of your faith lightly, but for now, give me a break.
and i will now put an end to mistreating myself and stop feeling so horrible everyday.
i need to love life.