I've been a bit selfish with my time lately..
But this last... oh I don't know.. week probably has been a rough week for me. Not in the fact of stress, but emotions... life's questions...
present questions.
Figuring out where I stand in my morals... standards... way of living... dreams...
Everything that I've told myself was figured out and I was standing tall and strong next to has been turned around in my face, and life in it's little uncanny way has said "wake up... you're not even close yet."
So here I sit, on someone's computer alone, drinking tea, thinking what the hell is going on. Trying to figure out what I really want.
Wondering if it's even worth it to think about everything right now.
When Samantha called to tell me Caleb had died in a car crash, I was taken aback. I had just gotten into a fight with someone, I got a little bit more lost in my mind, wondering what's worth it, what's not.
Then, I found out someone's father died. Now this wouldn't be a big deal, but the situations with him and his dad has been what's been between me and my dad, only... Mine hasn't furthered attempting to contact me. So here I sit, wondering if my own dad has even changed at all, and whether or not I even care to know.
I wonder if people ever change. I could tell myself I have changed... but in a lot of ways, my mindset hasn't changed. i've still held the same standards. The more or less, same beliefs. I just thought a few times.. if i dropped them, then life would be better, or more fun.
I thought that may be... if I didn't care, or try to care as much, things would be better. I'd get what I want, and be happy with it.
I was wrong on MANY accounts.
I also thought I was truly happy for a while. And while, yes I was. At the same time, I was still asking myself some questions.
So i guess the main thing about this all is just admitting in words that I'm still confused. I still care about people that are prollie untouchable right now *this is in the LEAST sexual way.... although that one time we made out... *cough cough* lmao.... yeah*
And last but not least, I know people keep saying that you shouldn't worry about what people think of you, and that you know the truth. But truth is... I do care. and I don't know. I have so many thoughts in my head, yet none of them hold words.
funny
present questions.
Figuring out where I stand in my morals... standards... way of living... dreams...
Everything that I've told myself was figured out and I was standing tall and strong next to has been turned around in my face, and life in it's little uncanny way has said "wake up... you're not even close yet."
So here I sit, on someone's computer alone, drinking tea, thinking what the hell is going on. Trying to figure out what I really want.
Wondering if it's even worth it to think about everything right now.
When Samantha called to tell me Caleb had died in a car crash, I was taken aback. I had just gotten into a fight with someone, I got a little bit more lost in my mind, wondering what's worth it, what's not.
Then, I found out someone's father died. Now this wouldn't be a big deal, but the situations with him and his dad has been what's been between me and my dad, only... Mine hasn't furthered attempting to contact me. So here I sit, wondering if my own dad has even changed at all, and whether or not I even care to know.
I wonder if people ever change. I could tell myself I have changed... but in a lot of ways, my mindset hasn't changed. i've still held the same standards. The more or less, same beliefs. I just thought a few times.. if i dropped them, then life would be better, or more fun.
I thought that may be... if I didn't care, or try to care as much, things would be better. I'd get what I want, and be happy with it.
I was wrong on MANY accounts.
I also thought I was truly happy for a while. And while, yes I was. At the same time, I was still asking myself some questions.
So i guess the main thing about this all is just admitting in words that I'm still confused. I still care about people that are prollie untouchable right now *this is in the LEAST sexual way.... although that one time we made out... *cough cough* lmao.... yeah*
And last but not least, I know people keep saying that you shouldn't worry about what people think of you, and that you know the truth. But truth is... I do care. and I don't know. I have so many thoughts in my head, yet none of them hold words.
funny