Don't read this, it's just me being depressed.
Holy Shit this year sucks. Everything started out great I had a plan and I was actually happy and accomplishing things. But now and don't even know. I'm not where I wanted to be. I have NO leadership roles which I guess is my own fault. I'm so sick of everything being my fault or my problem. Prefecting, my God I don't want to do it, why didn't I just listen to my gut at the end of last year and not let Mrs. Chadwick and Monty talk me into staying. I knew from the second they left me out of the prefect selection that no one wanted me. And now the way Debbie talks to me its just degrading I really don't want to have to deal with any of this shit any more. God I wish I would/could actually speak my mind. I had the opportunity to bring this up and deal with it so long ago but I didn't. I never can I bite my tongue and assume that everyone is better than me (no one respond to that) and its true in so many ways. I'm a bitch which is why everyone hates me. At one point I was fine with that but it gets you know where. No matter how good I am at something they would rather have the skinnier, better dressed well liked girl. I accepted that for so long. Stupid Nathan. We spend like 30 seconds together in his car getting ice and in one comment I start to second guess everything. Which is good I guess because my thinking before actually let me accept how ppl treated me as ok. One damn comment. How'd I let everything get to be like this. Believe it or not I don't actually care about prefecting I mean I use to don't get me wrong but I'm ok with everything but how I'm getting treated, but maybe I deserve it. No I don't I am not a piece of shit and I wish ppl would stop treating me like I am. It's killing me. I should have listened to my mom and changed schools. Stupid vaca and that car ride made me actually think I could do this. But I can't. If I could I wouldn't have let other ppl take over my 'producership' and shove me out of the way. Or take all this shit from work either. Yea big ass problems at work because there's a guy who likes to (in great detail) describe his gay affairs with a married guy w/ 2 kids. I mean I've got friends who are gay and that's fine do what ya wanna do (or should I say who) but don't tell me things that are beyond pornographic. Even if you're strait I don't wanna know. So anyways I told my Manager that it was a problem and he made a great comment about how trouble makers aren't welcome and maybe I should be finding somewhere else to work. As if my life isn't complicated enough with my lack of extra curriculars and a recovering coke addict in the 'family'. I just want to go to sleep and wake up to some one else’s life. Fuck how did I screw things up so bad. I have nothing at school or at home. I want to move out and move on from all the fighting and the being poor but I dunno what I want to do in life so I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll start something, not like it things will get messed up and I'll end up like my mom. Poor, alone, miserable and poor. God I'm sick of feeling guilty when I but a tee shirt at old navy for 3 bucks. Pathetic isn't it? Debbie just email the prefects to say wear dress pants tomorrow for UIP (although I dunno why she emails me, I doubt she considers me a prefect) but the truly sad part is I don't have dress pants. I don't have any nice clothes. I can't afford it and it's killing me inside. I will probly not go tomorrow because of pants. And nobody gets it. I went to my Aunt's for Thanksgiving, they live in a frigg'n million dollar mansion (and I'm not kidding, they own White Oaks) and they spent the last three hours of the night asking me why I don't/can't go blow a pay check on clothes or whatever. That entire night was hell. Sitting in a house around thousands of dollars worth of wine, them dripping in cash with everything asking me why I'm a welfare child. I thought I was going to revert to cutting right there at the dinning room table. All in all they did this while I did my cousin's project on Global warming for her. Wow how one thing leads to another, i am now going to bed probly to cry myself to sleep. There's no way I'm going tomorrow.