I saw a rude boy with my trainers today: I'm so ghetto.
Things are pretty shit in my head at the moment. I HATE that I fucked up my a-levels and everyone talks of all this stuff they're doing in their gap year and I can't do anything because I have to do a fucking a level... and I don't even know what I want to do anymore anyway, im being put off university because I just.... I just feel repelled by it now, I couldn't tell u the reason.
I'm bored of being demanded upon and sick of desperately trying to please everyone because it's fucking impossible and I hate that I'm obligated towards the impossible - it's just stupid. I'm absolutely lost and have NO IDEA what I want so why the fuck am I SUPPOSED to be worrying about your wants and needs?
I feel completely useless, a failure, an empty nothing because I no longer have any dreams that mean anything to me. It's all gone to shit. AND most people just don't give a shit because they are more important.... well those people aren't important to me anymore.
I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY WITH MYSELF for getting into this position again, it seems as I get older the worse the depression gets, even if it is less often. The thing is that my depression now actually means something - alot of the things in my life that make me happy are not worth the time of day anymore and I find it difficult not to lose myself in the bad, not that it isn't rubbed in my face constantly.
It's not like I've become a recluse, I'm not stupid and know that getting my mind off it helps, but obviously I can't forget about it all the time. And I can bitch and I can shout and I can cry but it doesn't stop the fact that I failed and that the rest of my life is now completely up in the air and I can feeling it falling down on top of me. And I don't know what to do other than to get on with it but I hate living like this and can't bear to....
This is crap.
I'm bored of being demanded upon and sick of desperately trying to please everyone because it's fucking impossible and I hate that I'm obligated towards the impossible - it's just stupid. I'm absolutely lost and have NO IDEA what I want so why the fuck am I SUPPOSED to be worrying about your wants and needs?
I feel completely useless, a failure, an empty nothing because I no longer have any dreams that mean anything to me. It's all gone to shit. AND most people just don't give a shit because they are more important.... well those people aren't important to me anymore.
I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY WITH MYSELF for getting into this position again, it seems as I get older the worse the depression gets, even if it is less often. The thing is that my depression now actually means something - alot of the things in my life that make me happy are not worth the time of day anymore and I find it difficult not to lose myself in the bad, not that it isn't rubbed in my face constantly.
It's not like I've become a recluse, I'm not stupid and know that getting my mind off it helps, but obviously I can't forget about it all the time. And I can bitch and I can shout and I can cry but it doesn't stop the fact that I failed and that the rest of my life is now completely up in the air and I can feeling it falling down on top of me. And I don't know what to do other than to get on with it but I hate living like this and can't bear to....
This is crap.