Not Exactly Rocket Science, the column
If Rodney were a gay-sex advice columnist at a university newspaper, I thought it might go something like this. Thanks for those who wrote in! :-)
Dear Dr Anonymous,
I have to admit I am madly in lust with my gay collegue at work. It's a disaster really, girl meets boy, both girl and boy are otherwise involved, plus boy actually prefers boys!
Still, he is hawt! hawt! F**king HOT!!
So what should I do? How do I get over it, and do you have any suggestions how I could possibly, possibly successfully attempt to snog him at the office Christmas party?
I blame it on his superb taste in ties. The man is asking for it.
cheers,
Lovely Moi
Dear Lovely (if you say so) -
Much as I sympathize with your lust for a man with decent sartorial taste, you’re going to need more than lust to take the tulip by the tie, as it were. Leaving aside for the moment your apparent desire to wreck not only his but your current relationship, you’ll need to familiarize yourself with the Kinsey Scale. Google it, then bring it up in casual conversation (after complimenting his accessorizing abilities, of course). If he admits to being a Kinsey 4 or possibly even 5, I recommend the application of lots of liquor and maybe a really butch haircut (reserve that for the Kinsey 5, and no complaints - if you really want your tongue down his throat, Sacrifices Must Be Made), then go for it. Mistletoe might be a useful tool, as well, adding seasonal considerations into the equation. For your respective partners, go back to that more-than-judicious application of alcohol part of the math. And make sure your pre-nup is signed, or else take pictures to share later - depends on the partner, I suppose.
*
Dear Dr. Anon,
I'm not gay, but I think my boss might be. I'm totally in love with him - I mean, he's so awesome, and he's not as dumb as he likes to make everyone think, which is just one reason why he's so awesome, and he's handsome, real grown-up handsome, like George Clooney as opposed to Toby McGuire. But, I think he's got a thing for this other guy I work with. How can I tell if my boss is gay for this guy or if he's just playing hard to get with me?
Sincerely,
Girl with no gaydar
Dear Gaydarless -
Listen, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if your boss is playing hard to get, it doesn’t really matter if he prefers men or women or the other guy or German Shepherds - he’s either not interested or an asshole, and you need to set your sights elsewhere. Life’s too short for mind games, and he’s probably got a tiny penis anyway. And if he's not playing mind games, and he does have the hots for someone else, again, it doesn't matter if it's the other guy or the other guy's Schnauzer - you're not going to get lucky.
*
Dear Dr. Anonymous,
I used to work with a guy who I ended up having a relationship with. It was frisky and fun and lighthearted. We kind of went our seperate ways after the work ended but kept in contact through emails. And it was just friendly, yeah? I kind of hooked up with this girl and that was cool. I've just ended things with her and can't stop thinking about V. He occasionally sends me photos of myself, with poems. I don't quite get the poems, but they seem to be a bit sexy. Should I try and restart a relationship with him? He's really hot, but I'm not sure if he's still interested. I would talk to him about it, but he's a bit odd, and the last time I casually mentioned that I missed having sex with him, his answer was "All the missed things in life are just reasons for more concentration on the things that one might not be missing." What the f**k does that even mean? I just really need to get laid. And he was really hot. What should I do?
Cheers,
Orli
Dear Orli (god, I hope that’s not what you actually call yourself),
I’m going to proceed under the premise that you are incredibly pretty, because obviously you are far, far too idiotic to have had even one, much less two, reasonably rewarding relationships on the grounds of your sparkling intellect. So, going with premise one (which is, of course, correct, me being me), we’ll move on to premise two, which is that the gentleman who sends you pictures of yourself is not a stalker, and is, instead, simply weird and probably more than slightly oblivious. In which case, you need to play to your strengths, Orli. Get him alone and get naked; sit on his lap and rub up and down and I expect he’ll get the message and get with the program.
If not, send me a picture. I’m sure I could find a use for a pretty idiot somewhere around this place.
*
Hi,
So, not so long ago my best friend and I started fooling around, sort of trying out what it's like, kind of inspired by your column I guess, heheh. Anyway it's been mostly technical really, like sticking fingers up each others butts, but no kissing, because that feels, I don't know, I want to figure out if I'm even gay at all before I start kissing. Now he's gone and bought a dildo, but we don't know what to do with it. Thing looks bloody big to me by the way, I guess we're going to use it on him first, I mean, he's the one who bought it right? But shouldn't we use lube or something? Or is that just for, you know, real f**king, with a dick and everything? Is there special lube for dildos? And where do we start? Just lube it up and plug it in, or should he be prepared too somehow?
God, this feels weird!
Anonymous going by the name of Dude.
Dear Dude,
No, you are not gay. You are far, far, far too stupid to be gay. We simply don’t allow that kind of thing in the gay community - we have enough obstacles to overcome to add such blatant, clueless, embarrassing, brainless humans (stretching the term) to the neighborhood. If you are so dense, so dim, so utterly half-witted that you can use the Internet to write that abuse of the English language which you probably referred to as an e-mail, and yet not use the very same Internet to explore how, exactly, to avoid serious rectal injury, then you are forbidden from ever engaging in another act of homosexual congress for the rest of your life. (As is your friend, who I hereby christen Bubba.) In other words, get out. Stop screwing around with Bubba, get a vasectomy, and stick with women. Forever. FOREVER. I am not kidding. OUT. Not of the closet, of the gene pool. You. GET OUT.
*
Send your (stupid, pointless, easily-answered-through-searching-the-Internet-yourself, you lazy bastards) questions to Dr. Anonymous at not.exactly.rocketscience (at) gmail (dot) com.
~*~
Dear Dr Anonymous,
I have to admit I am madly in lust with my gay collegue at work. It's a disaster really, girl meets boy, both girl and boy are otherwise involved, plus boy actually prefers boys!
Still, he is hawt! hawt! F**king HOT!!
So what should I do? How do I get over it, and do you have any suggestions how I could possibly, possibly successfully attempt to snog him at the office Christmas party?
I blame it on his superb taste in ties. The man is asking for it.
cheers,
Lovely Moi
Dear Lovely (if you say so) -
Much as I sympathize with your lust for a man with decent sartorial taste, you’re going to need more than lust to take the tulip by the tie, as it were. Leaving aside for the moment your apparent desire to wreck not only his but your current relationship, you’ll need to familiarize yourself with the Kinsey Scale. Google it, then bring it up in casual conversation (after complimenting his accessorizing abilities, of course). If he admits to being a Kinsey 4 or possibly even 5, I recommend the application of lots of liquor and maybe a really butch haircut (reserve that for the Kinsey 5, and no complaints - if you really want your tongue down his throat, Sacrifices Must Be Made), then go for it. Mistletoe might be a useful tool, as well, adding seasonal considerations into the equation. For your respective partners, go back to that more-than-judicious application of alcohol part of the math. And make sure your pre-nup is signed, or else take pictures to share later - depends on the partner, I suppose.
*
Dear Dr. Anon,
I'm not gay, but I think my boss might be. I'm totally in love with him - I mean, he's so awesome, and he's not as dumb as he likes to make everyone think, which is just one reason why he's so awesome, and he's handsome, real grown-up handsome, like George Clooney as opposed to Toby McGuire. But, I think he's got a thing for this other guy I work with. How can I tell if my boss is gay for this guy or if he's just playing hard to get with me?
Sincerely,
Girl with no gaydar
Dear Gaydarless -
Listen, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if your boss is playing hard to get, it doesn’t really matter if he prefers men or women or the other guy or German Shepherds - he’s either not interested or an asshole, and you need to set your sights elsewhere. Life’s too short for mind games, and he’s probably got a tiny penis anyway. And if he's not playing mind games, and he does have the hots for someone else, again, it doesn't matter if it's the other guy or the other guy's Schnauzer - you're not going to get lucky.
*
Dear Dr. Anonymous,
I used to work with a guy who I ended up having a relationship with. It was frisky and fun and lighthearted. We kind of went our seperate ways after the work ended but kept in contact through emails. And it was just friendly, yeah? I kind of hooked up with this girl and that was cool. I've just ended things with her and can't stop thinking about V. He occasionally sends me photos of myself, with poems. I don't quite get the poems, but they seem to be a bit sexy. Should I try and restart a relationship with him? He's really hot, but I'm not sure if he's still interested. I would talk to him about it, but he's a bit odd, and the last time I casually mentioned that I missed having sex with him, his answer was "All the missed things in life are just reasons for more concentration on the things that one might not be missing." What the f**k does that even mean? I just really need to get laid. And he was really hot. What should I do?
Cheers,
Orli
Dear Orli (god, I hope that’s not what you actually call yourself),
I’m going to proceed under the premise that you are incredibly pretty, because obviously you are far, far too idiotic to have had even one, much less two, reasonably rewarding relationships on the grounds of your sparkling intellect. So, going with premise one (which is, of course, correct, me being me), we’ll move on to premise two, which is that the gentleman who sends you pictures of yourself is not a stalker, and is, instead, simply weird and probably more than slightly oblivious. In which case, you need to play to your strengths, Orli. Get him alone and get naked; sit on his lap and rub up and down and I expect he’ll get the message and get with the program.
If not, send me a picture. I’m sure I could find a use for a pretty idiot somewhere around this place.
*
Hi,
So, not so long ago my best friend and I started fooling around, sort of trying out what it's like, kind of inspired by your column I guess, heheh. Anyway it's been mostly technical really, like sticking fingers up each others butts, but no kissing, because that feels, I don't know, I want to figure out if I'm even gay at all before I start kissing. Now he's gone and bought a dildo, but we don't know what to do with it. Thing looks bloody big to me by the way, I guess we're going to use it on him first, I mean, he's the one who bought it right? But shouldn't we use lube or something? Or is that just for, you know, real f**king, with a dick and everything? Is there special lube for dildos? And where do we start? Just lube it up and plug it in, or should he be prepared too somehow?
God, this feels weird!
Anonymous going by the name of Dude.
Dear Dude,
No, you are not gay. You are far, far, far too stupid to be gay. We simply don’t allow that kind of thing in the gay community - we have enough obstacles to overcome to add such blatant, clueless, embarrassing, brainless humans (stretching the term) to the neighborhood. If you are so dense, so dim, so utterly half-witted that you can use the Internet to write that abuse of the English language which you probably referred to as an e-mail, and yet not use the very same Internet to explore how, exactly, to avoid serious rectal injury, then you are forbidden from ever engaging in another act of homosexual congress for the rest of your life. (As is your friend, who I hereby christen Bubba.) In other words, get out. Stop screwing around with Bubba, get a vasectomy, and stick with women. Forever. FOREVER. I am not kidding. OUT. Not of the closet, of the gene pool. You. GET OUT.
*
Send your (stupid, pointless, easily-answered-through-searching-the-Internet-yourself, you lazy bastards) questions to Dr. Anonymous at not.exactly.rocketscience (at) gmail (dot) com.
~*~