God I need an icon for this.
silvaesedai, this is for you: the long-awaited Why Star Trek Is So Ghei Post. Also see: How I had nothing to do on a Sunday morning.
Star Trek 2009: the (un)official script
Revelations, Jim, Spock Prime:
Spock Prime: Oh, Jim, in no reality could I ever hate you!
Jim: You sure about that? ‘cause shit seemed pretty real back there…
SP: Believe me, Jim, at my worst, I’ll merely throttle you against a command console.
J: In a good way, I hope…
SP: Is there a bad way?
J: Point.
SP: Anyway, you have to emotionally compromise me.
J: That sounds… great, I guess. How am I gonna do that?
SP: Oh come on, Jim, you are my long lost GAY LOVE, for Vulcan’s sake!
J: WHAT NO NOT GAY! I have sex with women. Sexy green redhead women. Come ON.
SP: Have you noticed? You didn’t go past second base with Gaila.
J: Third base, she had her clothes off.
SP: *eyebrow raised*
J: OK, fine. But. How am I going to get my Spock to know that?
SP: I would suggest you get really close to his face and start whispering filthy lies about his supposed lack of emotions, all the while exposing your sinfully gorgeous collarbone.
J: Sweet.
Fondness:
Spock, seeing Jim (cheat) solve the Kobayashi Maru:
“He’s unbelievable.”
Spock, seeing Jim back from Iceland (with a Scottish sidekick):
“He’s unbelievable.”
Character evolution:
Beginning of the movie:
Jim to Spock: I hate you, pointy-eared bastard.
Spock to Jim: So do I, low-class, vulgar, cheating, frustratingly handsome and popular human.
Middle of the movie:
Jim to Spock: I REALLY hate you, stubborn and obtuse pointy-eared bastard.
Spock to Jim: That is RACIST. Also, so do I, impulsive and emotionally compromising human.
End of the movie:
Spock to Jim: I hate you, you manipulative creature.
Jim to Spock: Let’s have babies.
Spock to Jim: Captain, I am not that kind of hybrid!
Jim to Spock: You can be my sidekick.
Spock to Jim: OK, then.
Understanding, Uhura, Spock:
Uhura: So… That was some pretty heavy emotional compromising back there…
Spock: Oh shut up.
Uhura: *glee*
Sexuality (#13542), Jim, Spock:
Jim: So her name’s Nyota, huh?
Spock: I will not comment on the matter.
Jim: … Does that mean you can have sex?
Spock: …
Jim: …
Spock: Have you ever heard of pon farr? ‘cause it’s ficced a lot. You might want to have a look into that.
Friendship, Bones, Jim, Spock:
Bones: So you two are like… in a relationship?
Spock: Was that unclear?
Bones: Actually, no it wasn’t. At all.
Jim: What did you expect? We both have mommy-issues.
Bones: Point. I guess this is my fault, too. My life sucks. This ship sucks. You all suck. I love you. Can I watch?
Spock: Human, I will END you.
Bones: Try me, bitch.
The Epic Throttle:
Spock: *throttles* I will slam you against that command console and throttle you with my highly superior Vulcan strength like the proverbial sparkly vampire until you DIE, Jim!
Jim: *half-lidded eyes, submissive glint, sweaty grunts* I guess this is what I get for emotionally compromising you.
Uhura: Shouldn’t we stop them?
Bones: Nah. ‘t’s more fun to watch.
Sarek: Spock!
Spock: But, daaad!
Sarek: Spock…
Spock: Oh, okay, fine, geez.
Spock: *slams the door*
Sulu&Chekov: eeeeeeeeeep…
Jim: *massages throat* *flushed*
Bones: You disgust me. And arouse me at the same time. Let me check your wounds.
Jim: It’s good to be back.
Main-deck interactions:
Chekov: (Russian/Polish/French/WTF accent) Hi, I’m seventeen and inexperienced, but I’m also very intelligent and easy-going, and eager to please, and I have big blinking eyes.
Sulu: I love you already.
Uhura: Not that this isn’t fun, but. Am I the only one not suffering from life-damaging UST?
Sulu: You’re in a relationship with the asexual, main slash love-interest. You were saying?
Uhura: Nothing.
Sulu: Also the hero, involved with said slash love-interest, totally has his eyes on you.
Uhura: Alright, alright.
Sulu: Threesome?
Uhura: Die in a fire.
Medical block at any random time:
Bones: You AGAIN, Jim? I will whine and provide ample fic-material and whine again because really, you cannot leave me in peace, can you, but I’m also gonna be not-so-secretly pleased by all the attention.
Jim: You slut.
Bones: Pot, kettle. Have you noticed my British accent?
Jealousy & antagonism:
Cupcake: Hi Cupcake!
Jim: This is getting old. You should consult.
Semantics, Jim, Spock:
Spock: No, Jim, we are not explicitly having hot gay sex in this movie. It would be, I assume, an offense to fragile young minds.
Jim: But… Do you not see the tension between us?
S: I am a Vulcan, Jim. Of course I see the tension. I’m just pretending to ignore it so I can better throttle you against a command console.
J: Makes sense. But, still…
S: Jim, this is the last time I’m going to say this. All we can have in this movie is subtext. Mind you, it’s the better than in the sixties’ series where I was uglier and your character was poorly acted.
J: Okay, you have a point.
Bones: SUBTEXT? Hello? This is not subtext, this is TEXT. In bright pink, sparkly, Comic Sans font.
J: Comic Sans? Geez…
Heterosexuality, Uhura, Spock:
Try one:
Uhura: What do you need? Tell me what you need…
Spock: I want everyone to pretend everything is normal and UST isn’t clouding our senses.
Uhura: I meant sex.
Spock: Oh. Oh, no.
Uhura: Well, now I GET that.
Try two:
Uhura: Please don’t die.
Spock: You know I won’t.
Uhura: I’ll monitor your frequency.
Spock: You sappy romantic human female, you.
Post-sending to Iceland, Bones, Spock:
Bones: You SENT HIM to ICELAND? What the HELL?
Spock: I am not impressed by your UST-tainted anger.
B: You bastard hobgoblin! Bitch!
S: Careful, if you keep this on I might feel like throttling you against a command console.
Welcome home Jim:
Cupcake: Jim! I mean, ew, Jim…
Bones: JIM!
Sulu&Chekov: Jim!
Spock: Jim…
Uhura: I love the ominous smell of throttling in the morning. Hi Jim.
Scotty: I want to go back to Iceland…
Confrontation, Spock, Scotty, Jim:
Spock: TELL. ME.
Jim: DO NOT. TELL HIM.
Scotty: Err… Hi?
Fashion:
Crew: Have you noticed? We’re all wearing skin-tight spandex.
Vulcans: We HAVE noticed. Spock, you’re dishonoring your race.
Spock: That’s because I’m part of the Vulcan rebellious youth. I fool around with emotionally-compromising humans.
Jim: I can’t understand a word. HOT.
Crew: These clothes itch a lot. And get embarrassing sometimes.
The first time I saw you, Jim, Spock:
Jim: I would like to face the accusation.
Bones: Well that’s new.
Spock: OK. Here I am. So? *mustnotblushmustnotblinkstayCALM*
Jim: MmrphhI hate you.
Spock: Mm. Me too.
Jim: ‘will emotionally compromise you later on.
Spock: Looking forward to that.
Jury: What- what is happening exactly?
Coming-out, Bones, Jim:
Jim: Who was that pointy-eared bastard?
Bones: I don’t know but I like him already. (That line was too awesome to change it.)
Jim: Ew…
Annoyance, Jim:
Pike: Jim, stop fighting with drunken brutes in random bars.
Bones: Jim, stop being so carefree about your studies.
Uhura: Jim, stop acting so douchy.
Spock Prime: Jim, stop whining for a second.
Spock: Jim, stop emotionally compromising me.
Jim: Hello? I’m a grown-up man? Hello?
Heterosexuality (#2), Jim, Uhura, Gaila:
Gaila: Hi, I’m Gaila, I can act slutty because I’m green and not human, therefore it’s politically correct.
Jim: Yeah, it is…
Uhura: Are you SEXING UP my ROOMMATE?
Jim: Hey! My future love interest’s girlfriend! What a coincidence!
Gaila: I have the feeling I somehow got tricked.
Parental conflicts:
Jim:
Crew: Jim, your dad was so great, we all wanted to have his babies.
Pike: Trudat.
Jim: EW! Everyone! Stop! I am me! I exist! My identity will not be defined by who my dad was! Do you want me to be emo, do you want that?
Spock:
Bullies: Haha, your mother the human!
Mini-Spock: YOU DIE YOU!
Sarek: Son, you expressed emotions. You said ‘You die you!’ to bullies. I hope you realize that was entirely unacceptable for a true, pure Vulcan. Only wait, I forgot, you’re not. Haha pwned!
Mini-Spock: I’m so going to Earth when I’m legal.
Racism, Spock:
Vulcans: You’re a low-class human. Please don’t touch us. Also you smell.
Humans: You’re a stuck-up pointy-eared bastard. Please go home.
Spock’s Mom: Spock, this is a great gift your father and I gave you. Cherish it.
Spock: Oh, I cherish, believe me, I cherish.
Divorce, Spock:
Sarek: I married your mom because it was convenient.
Spock: I will stay conveniently Vulcan as well when confronted to such statements.
Sarek: OK I lied. I married her because I LOVED HER.
Spock: Dad, I’m gay.
Coming-out, Spock, Sarek:
Spock: Father, I have something to tell you. It may come as a shock to you, but-
Sarek: I know, son, I know.
Spock: You… do?
Sarek: It’s Jim, isn’t it? It’s fine. We Vulcans respect love under any of its shapes.
Spock: … I was going to say, ‘I’m going to leave Starfleet and become a beekeeper’, but I guess this is fine too.
Names:
Jim:
Jim’s mom: Let’s give him your dad’s name.
Jim’s dad: Tiberius? That sucks.
JM: But…
JD: Fine. Do however you want. It’s not like I’ll LIVE to see it anyway.
Later:
Jim: Hi, I’m Jim.
Jim’s mom: James Tiberius! Come back home IMMEDIATELY!
Jim: Well, fuck.
Spock:
Sarek: He shall be named… Spock!
Spock’s mom: That’s all you could come up with? Spock?
Sarek: Well…
Spock’s mom: Okay, I guess. Spock how?
Sarek: Err. Spock?
Later:
Pike: Commander Spock!
Jim: Mister Spock!
Spock’s mom: Spock, I am proud of you.
Jim#: Oh, Spock!
Spock: My life sucks.
Inferiority complex, Jim, Spock:
Jim: At the age of ten, I used to do really dangerous stuff next to cliffs.
Spock: At the age of ten, I used to solve fifth degree equations.
Jim: I guess that’s what makes the sex so good.
Self-search, Spock:
Spock: Mom, I don’t know if I should just say bye to those unfair, racist Vulcan old guys and go fool around on Earth.
Spock’s mom: Whatever you do, I will be proud of you.
Spock: You’re not helping. At all.
Mind-reading, Spock Prime, Jim:
Spock Prime: I will now read your mind by touching your temples.
Jim: How about by having sex?
Spock Prime: My Jim thought about that too. Don’t worry, it works.
Jim: Awesome. I love sex.
Spock Prime: I know, Jim. Your characterization thus far has been pretty explicit about that fact.
Jim: You lost me at the third word.
Innuendos, Jim, Spock Prime:
Spock Prime: I will penetrate your mind. Relax, because it will probably hurt at first, and it will be worse if you’re tense. It’s better if you trust me. I wouldn’t want to harm you - that would suck.
Jim: Haha, you said ‘suck’.
Star Trek 2009: the (un)official script
Revelations, Jim, Spock Prime:
Spock Prime: Oh, Jim, in no reality could I ever hate you!
Jim: You sure about that? ‘cause shit seemed pretty real back there…
SP: Believe me, Jim, at my worst, I’ll merely throttle you against a command console.
J: In a good way, I hope…
SP: Is there a bad way?
J: Point.
SP: Anyway, you have to emotionally compromise me.
J: That sounds… great, I guess. How am I gonna do that?
SP: Oh come on, Jim, you are my long lost GAY LOVE, for Vulcan’s sake!
J: WHAT NO NOT GAY! I have sex with women. Sexy green redhead women. Come ON.
SP: Have you noticed? You didn’t go past second base with Gaila.
J: Third base, she had her clothes off.
SP: *eyebrow raised*
J: OK, fine. But. How am I going to get my Spock to know that?
SP: I would suggest you get really close to his face and start whispering filthy lies about his supposed lack of emotions, all the while exposing your sinfully gorgeous collarbone.
J: Sweet.
Fondness:
Spock, seeing Jim (cheat) solve the Kobayashi Maru:
“He’s unbelievable.”
Spock, seeing Jim back from Iceland (with a Scottish sidekick):
“He’s unbelievable.”
Character evolution:
Beginning of the movie:
Jim to Spock: I hate you, pointy-eared bastard.
Spock to Jim: So do I, low-class, vulgar, cheating, frustratingly handsome and popular human.
Middle of the movie:
Jim to Spock: I REALLY hate you, stubborn and obtuse pointy-eared bastard.
Spock to Jim: That is RACIST. Also, so do I, impulsive and emotionally compromising human.
End of the movie:
Spock to Jim: I hate you, you manipulative creature.
Jim to Spock: Let’s have babies.
Spock to Jim: Captain, I am not that kind of hybrid!
Jim to Spock: You can be my sidekick.
Spock to Jim: OK, then.
Understanding, Uhura, Spock:
Uhura: So… That was some pretty heavy emotional compromising back there…
Spock: Oh shut up.
Uhura: *glee*
Sexuality (#13542), Jim, Spock:
Jim: So her name’s Nyota, huh?
Spock: I will not comment on the matter.
Jim: … Does that mean you can have sex?
Spock: …
Jim: …
Spock: Have you ever heard of pon farr? ‘cause it’s ficced a lot. You might want to have a look into that.
Friendship, Bones, Jim, Spock:
Bones: So you two are like… in a relationship?
Spock: Was that unclear?
Bones: Actually, no it wasn’t. At all.
Jim: What did you expect? We both have mommy-issues.
Bones: Point. I guess this is my fault, too. My life sucks. This ship sucks. You all suck. I love you. Can I watch?
Spock: Human, I will END you.
Bones: Try me, bitch.
The Epic Throttle:
Spock: *throttles* I will slam you against that command console and throttle you with my highly superior Vulcan strength like the proverbial sparkly vampire until you DIE, Jim!
Jim: *half-lidded eyes, submissive glint, sweaty grunts* I guess this is what I get for emotionally compromising you.
Uhura: Shouldn’t we stop them?
Bones: Nah. ‘t’s more fun to watch.
Sarek: Spock!
Spock: But, daaad!
Sarek: Spock…
Spock: Oh, okay, fine, geez.
Spock: *slams the door*
Sulu&Chekov: eeeeeeeeeep…
Jim: *massages throat* *flushed*
Bones: You disgust me. And arouse me at the same time. Let me check your wounds.
Jim: It’s good to be back.
Main-deck interactions:
Chekov: (Russian/Polish/French/WTF accent) Hi, I’m seventeen and inexperienced, but I’m also very intelligent and easy-going, and eager to please, and I have big blinking eyes.
Sulu: I love you already.
Uhura: Not that this isn’t fun, but. Am I the only one not suffering from life-damaging UST?
Sulu: You’re in a relationship with the asexual, main slash love-interest. You were saying?
Uhura: Nothing.
Sulu: Also the hero, involved with said slash love-interest, totally has his eyes on you.
Uhura: Alright, alright.
Sulu: Threesome?
Uhura: Die in a fire.
Medical block at any random time:
Bones: You AGAIN, Jim? I will whine and provide ample fic-material and whine again because really, you cannot leave me in peace, can you, but I’m also gonna be not-so-secretly pleased by all the attention.
Jim: You slut.
Bones: Pot, kettle. Have you noticed my British accent?
Jealousy & antagonism:
Cupcake: Hi Cupcake!
Jim: This is getting old. You should consult.
Semantics, Jim, Spock:
Spock: No, Jim, we are not explicitly having hot gay sex in this movie. It would be, I assume, an offense to fragile young minds.
Jim: But… Do you not see the tension between us?
S: I am a Vulcan, Jim. Of course I see the tension. I’m just pretending to ignore it so I can better throttle you against a command console.
J: Makes sense. But, still…
S: Jim, this is the last time I’m going to say this. All we can have in this movie is subtext. Mind you, it’s the better than in the sixties’ series where I was uglier and your character was poorly acted.
J: Okay, you have a point.
Bones: SUBTEXT? Hello? This is not subtext, this is TEXT. In bright pink, sparkly, Comic Sans font.
J: Comic Sans? Geez…
Heterosexuality, Uhura, Spock:
Try one:
Uhura: What do you need? Tell me what you need…
Spock: I want everyone to pretend everything is normal and UST isn’t clouding our senses.
Uhura: I meant sex.
Spock: Oh. Oh, no.
Uhura: Well, now I GET that.
Try two:
Uhura: Please don’t die.
Spock: You know I won’t.
Uhura: I’ll monitor your frequency.
Spock: You sappy romantic human female, you.
Post-sending to Iceland, Bones, Spock:
Bones: You SENT HIM to ICELAND? What the HELL?
Spock: I am not impressed by your UST-tainted anger.
B: You bastard hobgoblin! Bitch!
S: Careful, if you keep this on I might feel like throttling you against a command console.
Welcome home Jim:
Cupcake: Jim! I mean, ew, Jim…
Bones: JIM!
Sulu&Chekov: Jim!
Spock: Jim…
Uhura: I love the ominous smell of throttling in the morning. Hi Jim.
Scotty: I want to go back to Iceland…
Confrontation, Spock, Scotty, Jim:
Spock: TELL. ME.
Jim: DO NOT. TELL HIM.
Scotty: Err… Hi?
Fashion:
Crew: Have you noticed? We’re all wearing skin-tight spandex.
Vulcans: We HAVE noticed. Spock, you’re dishonoring your race.
Spock: That’s because I’m part of the Vulcan rebellious youth. I fool around with emotionally-compromising humans.
Jim: I can’t understand a word. HOT.
Crew: These clothes itch a lot. And get embarrassing sometimes.
The first time I saw you, Jim, Spock:
Jim: I would like to face the accusation.
Bones: Well that’s new.
Spock: OK. Here I am. So? *mustnotblushmustnotblinkstayCALM*
Jim: MmrphhI hate you.
Spock: Mm. Me too.
Jim: ‘will emotionally compromise you later on.
Spock: Looking forward to that.
Jury: What- what is happening exactly?
Coming-out, Bones, Jim:
Jim: Who was that pointy-eared bastard?
Bones: I don’t know but I like him already. (That line was too awesome to change it.)
Jim: Ew…
Annoyance, Jim:
Pike: Jim, stop fighting with drunken brutes in random bars.
Bones: Jim, stop being so carefree about your studies.
Uhura: Jim, stop acting so douchy.
Spock Prime: Jim, stop whining for a second.
Spock: Jim, stop emotionally compromising me.
Jim: Hello? I’m a grown-up man? Hello?
Heterosexuality (#2), Jim, Uhura, Gaila:
Gaila: Hi, I’m Gaila, I can act slutty because I’m green and not human, therefore it’s politically correct.
Jim: Yeah, it is…
Uhura: Are you SEXING UP my ROOMMATE?
Jim: Hey! My future love interest’s girlfriend! What a coincidence!
Gaila: I have the feeling I somehow got tricked.
Parental conflicts:
Jim:
Crew: Jim, your dad was so great, we all wanted to have his babies.
Pike: Trudat.
Jim: EW! Everyone! Stop! I am me! I exist! My identity will not be defined by who my dad was! Do you want me to be emo, do you want that?
Spock:
Bullies: Haha, your mother the human!
Mini-Spock: YOU DIE YOU!
Sarek: Son, you expressed emotions. You said ‘You die you!’ to bullies. I hope you realize that was entirely unacceptable for a true, pure Vulcan. Only wait, I forgot, you’re not. Haha pwned!
Mini-Spock: I’m so going to Earth when I’m legal.
Racism, Spock:
Vulcans: You’re a low-class human. Please don’t touch us. Also you smell.
Humans: You’re a stuck-up pointy-eared bastard. Please go home.
Spock’s Mom: Spock, this is a great gift your father and I gave you. Cherish it.
Spock: Oh, I cherish, believe me, I cherish.
Divorce, Spock:
Sarek: I married your mom because it was convenient.
Spock: I will stay conveniently Vulcan as well when confronted to such statements.
Sarek: OK I lied. I married her because I LOVED HER.
Spock: Dad, I’m gay.
Coming-out, Spock, Sarek:
Spock: Father, I have something to tell you. It may come as a shock to you, but-
Sarek: I know, son, I know.
Spock: You… do?
Sarek: It’s Jim, isn’t it? It’s fine. We Vulcans respect love under any of its shapes.
Spock: … I was going to say, ‘I’m going to leave Starfleet and become a beekeeper’, but I guess this is fine too.
Names:
Jim:
Jim’s mom: Let’s give him your dad’s name.
Jim’s dad: Tiberius? That sucks.
JM: But…
JD: Fine. Do however you want. It’s not like I’ll LIVE to see it anyway.
Later:
Jim: Hi, I’m Jim.
Jim’s mom: James Tiberius! Come back home IMMEDIATELY!
Jim: Well, fuck.
Spock:
Sarek: He shall be named… Spock!
Spock’s mom: That’s all you could come up with? Spock?
Sarek: Well…
Spock’s mom: Okay, I guess. Spock how?
Sarek: Err. Spock?
Later:
Pike: Commander Spock!
Jim: Mister Spock!
Spock’s mom: Spock, I am proud of you.
Jim#: Oh, Spock!
Spock: My life sucks.
Inferiority complex, Jim, Spock:
Jim: At the age of ten, I used to do really dangerous stuff next to cliffs.
Spock: At the age of ten, I used to solve fifth degree equations.
Jim: I guess that’s what makes the sex so good.
Self-search, Spock:
Spock: Mom, I don’t know if I should just say bye to those unfair, racist Vulcan old guys and go fool around on Earth.
Spock’s mom: Whatever you do, I will be proud of you.
Spock: You’re not helping. At all.
Mind-reading, Spock Prime, Jim:
Spock Prime: I will now read your mind by touching your temples.
Jim: How about by having sex?
Spock Prime: My Jim thought about that too. Don’t worry, it works.
Jim: Awesome. I love sex.
Spock Prime: I know, Jim. Your characterization thus far has been pretty explicit about that fact.
Jim: You lost me at the third word.
Innuendos, Jim, Spock Prime:
Spock Prime: I will penetrate your mind. Relax, because it will probably hurt at first, and it will be worse if you’re tense. It’s better if you trust me. I wouldn’t want to harm you - that would suck.
Jim: Haha, you said ‘suck’.