(no subject)
I've given up on trying to allow people to understand me. It's better to do what you like and say what you like at all times, because I am the only person who will truly understand what it is I am about and what I am here to do. Though now I think about whether this evolution in thinking is late and behind everybody else or whether I am truly where I want to be. I no longer see a beginning, middle and end, simply the 'now'. Sometimes I can see through time and space and I am happy with that. Sceptics and their doubting are no longer an option, as I understand now that total immersion in myself and my being are the only true options.
Too many times before I have let myself become weighed down but that's just the way I work. I have a deep seated desire to feel wanted, to be somebody's number one all the time. Which, in all honesty, is not really possible. I have to put myself as that number one to myself, then collect the people I want to share that space with me.
I've always felt like a fraud. I've always felt like I was trying to convince myself I'm better than I actually am. I try and understand things completely beyond my comprehension. I try and convince myself that there is more to me than the mediocrity I'd always felt destined for. But now, I don't know. I feel...free flowing. It's hard to describe. I can see now that there are shining beacons in my world of darkness, and it would do me no harm to steer the ship towards them.
Sure, there are things I can't escape from, but then again maybe I don't want to. Or I can't, it's hard to tell. It'd be hard to imagine life without paying for my hang ups. It levels me out.
Right now I can only listen to music that bends my heart and mind into the shape it needs to be, and work things out as I go along.
I'll be back.
Too many times before I have let myself become weighed down but that's just the way I work. I have a deep seated desire to feel wanted, to be somebody's number one all the time. Which, in all honesty, is not really possible. I have to put myself as that number one to myself, then collect the people I want to share that space with me.
I've always felt like a fraud. I've always felt like I was trying to convince myself I'm better than I actually am. I try and understand things completely beyond my comprehension. I try and convince myself that there is more to me than the mediocrity I'd always felt destined for. But now, I don't know. I feel...free flowing. It's hard to describe. I can see now that there are shining beacons in my world of darkness, and it would do me no harm to steer the ship towards them.
Sure, there are things I can't escape from, but then again maybe I don't want to. Or I can't, it's hard to tell. It'd be hard to imagine life without paying for my hang ups. It levels me out.
Right now I can only listen to music that bends my heart and mind into the shape it needs to be, and work things out as I go along.
I'll be back.