Jared/Jensen, "Say What You Need To Say"
Title: Say What You Need To Say
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki / Jensen Ackles
Rating: R
Word Count: 3548
Note: Thanks to germanjj for the cheerleading and savingfaith333 for the beta! For mrstotten because being sick sucks. *hugs*
Summary: They wanted to go out with a bang. Season 5 was supposed to be their time to shine. They were royally fucking it up.
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as your eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
- Say, John Mayer
A month and a half into filming season five, Jensen moved out.
After that, my life as I knew it? Began to suck. Completely, totally, and in all other ways.
I was baffled. Why shouldn’t I have been? Jensen and I were tight, about as tight as two guys could be without being... well. You know. Not that I have never... but come on. It was Jensen fucking Ackles. He was my best friend, the best friend I had ever had. And I was his.
At least, I thought I was.
Sure, we had our tiffs. Who doesn’t? But nothing we couldn’t work out. Fights, when we had any (which were about once in a blue moon) were almost always resolved by the end of the day. Sometimes one of us was a jerk, sometimes we were both being assholes, sometimes too little sleep and too many hours of shooting wore us - and our patience - way down. Nothing huge, no elephants hiding in corners.
Far as I knew, he wasn’t sick of me. He didn’t act like it. We lived together, worked together, and hung out together when we weren’t working. Eventually I had learned to get over being insecure- I was so different than Jen. It was hard for me to accept that he genuinely liked me for me, truly wanted to be around me because he liked me.
Of course, it helped that year or so back when he first moved in, I’d been tired and mopey and in a self-pitying mood one day, babbling on about something, and Jensen had laughed. Laughed at me. He had grabbed me by the shoulder and looked me straight in the eye and said, “Jared, quit being a fuckin’ idiot. I moved in with you, didn’t I?” Rolled his eyes, added, “You’re such a girl, Jay,” and then proceeded to shove me towards the living room. “Come on, Sasquatch. Let’s play video games.”
Okay. My insecurity was gone, just like that.
Jensen had a habit of doing things like that. Making me feel better. Keeping my head on straight and keeping me from going insane. In turn, I made him laugh harder than he ever had in his life and forced him to have fun when he started thinking too much or got too uptight.
So yeah. Naturally, I was a little confused when he broke the news to me like so-
“Hey, Jared. Listen... I’ve been thinking a lot lately and uh... Just wanted to let you know... Well, I found an apartment. Not too far away, I think it’s about time I found my own place. So, uh... I’ll be outta here by Friday if all goes well.”
I gaped at him silently. Was he serious? We had nine months left of Supernatural. Not even a year. What was the point of moving out now? Had I done something wrong? Was he planning on marrying Danneel? Did he need more space?
All these thoughts and more spun around in my head; yet I couldn’t find a single word to say that would possibly come out the way I wanted. I just stood there and stared.
Jensen didn’t say anything more. He only shifted his feet awkwardly, not looking me in the eye. Finally he mumbled, “I gotta, um. Gotta go do some stuff. Catch ya later,” and retreated to his room, nearly tripping over the rug as he went.
The next day wasn’t an improvement.
“I’m sorry for being an ass,” I apologized over pancakes and sausage.
Jensen’s jaw tightened as he squeezed the bottle of syrup over his plate. “’S fine,” he muttered.
Fuck.
This wasn’t going the way I had hoped it would. “You kinda blew me away, dude. I needed time to process it,” I tried again. Why was he pissed off? He was the one who had randomly dropped a bombshell and expected me to be totally fine with it! What was his problem?
He savagely speared some pancakes with his fork and looked up at me, eyes hard and angry. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Jared,” he said in a carefully controlled tone.
I was taken aback. “Jensen? Did I do something? Do we need to talk about this?” ‘This’ meaning him leaving, of course.
“Nope.” Jensen shovelled the last of his pancakes into his mouth and stood up, screeching the chair on the floor. He dumped his plate in the sink and rinsed it. “I’m gonna go shower.” His footsteps were heavy and somehow final as he left the room.
Set was... wrong. Shooting went remarkably well, since Sam and Dean were fighting, the obvious tension between Jensen and I helped things move along faster. On the other hand, between scenes was torture. Nobody said anything to us about “it”. I assumed Eric already knew and was staying out of the way. Jensen clearly didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to make things worse.
But they already were.
The whole time I thought, I should have just been supportive.
* * *
Three days later (two days before the Big Move), Jensen cornered me in the gym. “Jared, we need to talk,” he called as he stalked in and folded his arms across his chest.
I slowed down to a walk on the treadmill. “Okay, let’s talk.” I didn’t want to be a jerk about it, but I resented the position he had put me into and the way he had acted. He’d been avoiding me for days, and yea, okay, I was pissed. I had tried to say sorry and he’d ignored me. All I had done was be surprised, for god’s sake! I kept my face carefully neutral when I glanced at him.
His expression was tight, impassive. “Could you please...?” He waved a hand at me.
I hopped off, breathing hard from the run, and waited for him to speak.
“I’m sorry,” he said carefully, “For what I did and how I did it. It was rude and insensitive.”
I bit my tongue. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to say, “It’s fine,” and get back on the treadmill. But I didn’t. Instead I gave him a half smile, hoping, praying for a positive reaction. Because I missed him. I missed my best friend, a lot. As mad as I was, this wasn’t worth how we were behaving. It was childish and petty.
Jensen’s face relaxed a little. “Can you forgive me, Jay?”
My smile grew. “Duh.” I wanted to hug him, but his body language told me he was still uncomfortable. Something deep inside told me that not all was right again, despite Jensen’s apology. “Jen... You know that I’m sorry, too, right? Look, if it makes you happy- if it’s what you want- You know I’m behind you a hundred percent.” I may not have understood it, but...
“It’s what-” Jensen stopped. “Yeah. Okay, thanks.” He stood there for a moment. “Hey, I gotta go finish packing.”
I stared at the space where he had been standing a long time after he left, a pit in my stomach replacing the joy I had felt not two minute before. No, everything was not okay. And I didn’t know when it would be.
It never occurred to me that what he was doing and what made him happy were two different things.
* * *
Jensen moved out. It was remarkably uneventful. Things were better, but not much. There was still some tension, people were still avoiding the subject, and Jensen was only half back to normal.
Our relationship was strained, anybody could tell. Over the next few months, it made for quite a few odd moments. Jensen, for the most part, acted like his normal self, just... not with me. He laughed and joked around, but I could feel him keeping distance between us.
October rolled around, and I was ready to break.
Jensen had lost weight, probably because he hated cooking. I had done most of it while we still lived together. I lost weight because my appetite had decreased and it was almost too painful to cook for one. Harley and Sadie still wandered into Jensen’s old bedroom, whining and sniffing around until I pulled them out and slammed the door shut.
I was miserable. After all this time, I still didn’t know why he’d moved. I couldn’t keep going on without at least trying to talk to him again.
Eric refused to intervene, saying we were grown adults who could work it out ourselves. The apprehension between “Sam and Dean” was beginning to wear on the staff, though. I could tell. But what could I do?
Everything came to a head near the beginning of October.
Sam and Dean were supposed to be having a brotherly love moment. Jensen wasn’t being believable, I kept flubbing my line.
“Take fifteen!” Eric yelled after the seventh attempt. He pulled off his headphones and jogged toward us. “Alright, you two. I’ve had it.” His normally friendly voice was filled with frustration. He glanced back and forth between Jensen and I. “I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve let it go on for months already hoping you two would be smart enough fix it. Go somewhere, fight, or fuck-”
Wow, that didn’t sound like him at all.
Jensen flushed, turning away.
I scowled.
“- I don’t care. But when you come back, you better be ready to do this scene for real. Do I make myself clear?” He stormed off. “Fifteen minutes!”
I followed Jensen into his trailer. When the door closed behind me, he flashed a quick glance at me and I snapped.
“Jensen, what the fuck?”
He flinched.
“I’ve tried being patient. I tried giving you space. I tried being understanding. Nothing is working. You have to give me something, Jensen? Jesus Christ!” My voice turned pleading. “What did I do to push you away like that?”
Jensen’s eyes flitted to the floor. “I told you... It was time I found my own place.”
I wanted to cry. “With nine months left of filming?”
He nodded.
“I don’t believe you,” I choked out. “That can’t be it. Are you sick of me or something? Was I really that awful that you just couldn’t survive another nine months?” I refused to let the tears spill, blinking rapidly to keep them at bay. My throat hurt and my gut clenched but I would not let him see me cry.
Jensen’s face crumpled. “No, no, no...”
He struggled to compose himself. “God, Jared, I’m sorry. I never meant for you to think that. I just... I need you to trust me. Can you do that? I need some time. To sort things out. Please.”
Without another word, I turned and walked out.
“We’ll get it,” I told Eric tersely as he attempted to keep up with my long strides. “Sorry for the f- the delay.” Swearing at him wasn’t going to help anything.
Eric reached out. “Jared...”
“Not-” I shook my head. “Not now.”
“Okay.” He added as an afterthought, “You know if you need anything...”
“Yeah.” I forced out. “Thanks.”
Jensen reappeared five minutes later, only to have makeup pounce on him for his red-rimmed eyes.
I pointedly ignored it.
We nailed the scene three takes later.
* * *
Mid-November, we had an interview on some new talk show.
The hostess was beautiful, a leggy redhead named Mercedes with an easy-going charm. She smiled a lot and laughed when she introduced us and the audience went wild. I couldn’t help but laugh as Jensen and I walked across the stage. Fans almost always cheered me out of a funk. There was never anything quite like having hundreds of screaming females to make you feel great about yourself and what you were doing.
Jensen smiled too, never once betraying how uncomfortable I knew he was. We both sat on the couch opposite Mercedes’ chair. I would never admit it, but I missed touching Jensen. It didn’t feel right to be sitting so many inches away from him, not to be bumping shoulders and trading grins back and forth. We were no longer JaredandJensen, and my heart was breaking because of it. Nothing felt real anymore. Sometimes all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and never come out. Unfortunately, life didn’t work like that, so I faked it the best I could. I was an actor, after all.
The show was going pretty well, up until Mercedes crossed her legs and leaned forward. “Back in June, rumours were flying that you, Jensen, were looking for a new place. Finally those rumours have been confirmed.”
I sucked in a breath. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It’s not as if I hadn’t expected the topic to come up, it was bound to happen, but how was I supposed to respond? Or Jensen? Lie our asses off and say everything was just dandy?
Thankfully she didn’t question Jensen’s motive. Words couldn’t describe the depth of relief I felt when she didn’t ask why. Instead she shrugged, smiling at Jensen. “Can you tell us what it’s like living on your own again after being with Jared almost twenty four hours a day, seven days a week?” Lightly she added, “That must be quite the adjustment.”
I froze. Oh, god. I was utterly terrified of what Jensen would say.
He shocked me.
I watched the emotions play across his features. Fear- his shoulders tensed and then dropped as if he knew how obvious it was. Embarrassment- the sweep of long dark eyelashes across his freckled cheeks as he tossed a sidelong glance at me. Remorse- he briefly caught his lower lips in his teeth, a habit only I knew about, eyes filling with something like despair. This all happened in seconds, right before he flashed me a grin, soft, hesitant, and absolutely breathtaking.
I hadn’t seen him smile like that in months. The effect it had on me was instantaneous; it was like my lungs had collapsed and I couldn’t get the air I needed with Jensen looking at me like that. Like I was his whole world.
“It’s... Yeah.” His voice was hushed in answering. “Different. Um. Quieter, definitely. No dogs running around, nobody in the apartment with me.” Finally he dragged his eyes away from my face and spoke directly to Mercedes. “It’s weird not being attached at the hip.” He struggled with the words, as if he didn’t know what else to say. “I miss... Um, being able to just call out his name and hearing him pounding down the hallway to yell back, asking me what I want for supper.”
My lungs were still keeping me from taking a full breath.
Mercedes pursed her lips, eyes flicking back and forth between Jensen and I, and changed the subject.
The rest of the interview went by in a blur. Time skipped by in flashes of light and dark, in time with the slow thump-thump that was my heart beating with this sudden thing - I didn’t know what it was- that had just happened.
More cheering from the audience.
Thump.
Standing up, thanking Mercedes, shaking hands, waving goodbye.
Thump.
The ride back home, quiet, but not in the way it had been. Not tense, just relaxed.
Thump.
I got out first. Jensen said something to the driver and climbed out with me.
Thump. Thump. Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump.
* * *
“Do you, um..” The words tripped off my tongue, loose and uncoordinated, as I unlocked the door and led him inside. “Want... Like, a drink... Or... Something? I’ve got- got beer, and um.”
We stood in the kitchen. Jensen in the doorway and I by the table, desperately gripping the back of a chair so I wouldn’t fall down.
“Jared, stop.”
I shut up. He shoved his hands into his pockets.
“I’m sorry.”
“You-” I coughed. “You’re wh- sorry?”
He withdrew one hand to drag it over his face. “I lied. Jared...” He stepped forward, anguished eyes unfocused and bleak. He reached out to me and let his hand drop. “Jay...”
I couldn’t speak.
He stopped a foot away from me, exhaling shakily. He examined the floor for a minute, and then met my eyes and held them. “I lied. Not having you around is like missing a limb. Like a part of me was ripped out. I can’t live like this anymore.”
“What do you want, Jensen?” I asked him. “Obviously you couldn’t deal with what were like back in summer, either! What do you want me to do? Cause I sure as hell have no fucking clue anymore.” My head was pounding, throat strained to keep my voice from crying. Yes, crying, because I was so tired. So tired of missing Jensen; not having him around. I couldn’t function properly without him. It was killing both of us. I could only take so much.
Jensen’s eyes gleamed with unshed tears. “God,” he whispered, “I thought... I thought moving out would make it better, not ten times worse.” He ground his palms into his eyes, rubbing hard. “I’m so, so sorry.”
It was a solid minute before I regained my ability to form words. “Make- make what better?”
He blurted it out with a choked sob. “Goddamnit, I fucking love you, Jared!” He collapsed in a chair, dropping his head into his hands.
The breath I felt like I’d been holding since the interview was finally released. Did he just say...
“You sure have a funny way of showing it,” I said, hardly daring to breathe. Of all the things I imagined him saying, “I love you” was not one of them.
It came out harsher than I intended. Jensen kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, so sorry,” into his hands.
I sat in the chair next to him, closing my eyes when our knees brushed. “Jensen, why did you go?” Fuck, I really, really did not want to cry. I pulled at his wrist, wanting his hands away from his face so I could see him.
His eyelashes were wet and stuck together, bright color high in his cheeks. “I couldn’t do that to you,” he admitted. “I couldn't willingly put you into that position.”
“What position?” I demanded. “Did you think I’d run away screaming?”
“I didn’t know what to think! All I knew was that you wouldn’t feel-” He bit back the rest of the words.
“Wouldn’t feel what?” I asked softly. “The same way?”
Jensen let out a strangled groan and kissed me.
And then it was like everything slid neatly back into place. This, this is what I had been missing and wanting and needing. Jensen, my co-worker, my best friend. My other half. It was right and perfect and wonderful and I was never going to let him go again.
I opened my mouth and his tongue slid between my lips, exploring every inch of my mouth like it was his last day on Earth. I could feel him gripping my shoulder, so I moved my hands to his sides, tugging him forward so that he was straddling me in the chair, knees on either side of my hips.
“Christ, Jensen,” I breathed when he jerked back suddenly. “I’m sorry.”
He looked terrified.
“Not. About. This.” I accentuated my point by kissing my way down his throat, gently biting into the skin between his neck and shoulder. He hissed, instinctively thrusting his hips down and I shuddered. His position made it impossible for me not to feel his cock, half hard, through his jeans. Now there was no mistaking it- he knew I was as turned on as he was.
Heavy lidded green eyes swept over my face. “You’re-”
“Madly, insanely, head over fucking heels for you,” I finished for him. “And beyond horrified that it took me so long to realize it. That’s what I’m sorry for. And also for being the worst friend ever and not being patient with you when you asked me to.”
“So,” he laughed a little, settling even more into my lap. “We’re both giant assholes, then?”
I grinned lazily. “Agreed.”
Uncertainty flickered in his expression. “Jared... I hope you can forgive me. I was- hell, I can’t even begin to describe how awful I was.” He slid his hand around to the back of my neck, tangling his fingers in my hair.
I was frozen. God, he was so beautiful, resting there in my lap, looking vulnerable, and yet the love in his eyes was almost more than I could take.
“I love you,” he said simply, pressing his forehead against mine. “And I hurt you, and I’m sorry.”
“Jen. Jen,” I buried my face in his chest. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I love you, god, I love you so much, and it’s gonna be okay now.”
He kissed my ear. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.”
“Does this mean you’re moving back in?” I asked hopefully, smiling as he kissed me again, long, slow, and deep.
Laughter rumbled in his chest. “If you’ll have me.”
“Forever and ever as long as we both shall live,” was my cheeky response. More kisses followed, the slip-slide of tongues against each other making us both strain to get closer.
Jensen’s smile was blinding. “Sounds good to me.”
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki / Jensen Ackles
Rating: R
Word Count: 3548
Note: Thanks to germanjj for the cheerleading and savingfaith333 for the beta! For mrstotten because being sick sucks. *hugs*
Summary: They wanted to go out with a bang. Season 5 was supposed to be their time to shine. They were royally fucking it up.
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as your eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
- Say, John Mayer
A month and a half into filming season five, Jensen moved out.
After that, my life as I knew it? Began to suck. Completely, totally, and in all other ways.
I was baffled. Why shouldn’t I have been? Jensen and I were tight, about as tight as two guys could be without being... well. You know. Not that I have never... but come on. It was Jensen fucking Ackles. He was my best friend, the best friend I had ever had. And I was his.
At least, I thought I was.
Sure, we had our tiffs. Who doesn’t? But nothing we couldn’t work out. Fights, when we had any (which were about once in a blue moon) were almost always resolved by the end of the day. Sometimes one of us was a jerk, sometimes we were both being assholes, sometimes too little sleep and too many hours of shooting wore us - and our patience - way down. Nothing huge, no elephants hiding in corners.
Far as I knew, he wasn’t sick of me. He didn’t act like it. We lived together, worked together, and hung out together when we weren’t working. Eventually I had learned to get over being insecure- I was so different than Jen. It was hard for me to accept that he genuinely liked me for me, truly wanted to be around me because he liked me.
Of course, it helped that year or so back when he first moved in, I’d been tired and mopey and in a self-pitying mood one day, babbling on about something, and Jensen had laughed. Laughed at me. He had grabbed me by the shoulder and looked me straight in the eye and said, “Jared, quit being a fuckin’ idiot. I moved in with you, didn’t I?” Rolled his eyes, added, “You’re such a girl, Jay,” and then proceeded to shove me towards the living room. “Come on, Sasquatch. Let’s play video games.”
Okay. My insecurity was gone, just like that.
Jensen had a habit of doing things like that. Making me feel better. Keeping my head on straight and keeping me from going insane. In turn, I made him laugh harder than he ever had in his life and forced him to have fun when he started thinking too much or got too uptight.
So yeah. Naturally, I was a little confused when he broke the news to me like so-
“Hey, Jared. Listen... I’ve been thinking a lot lately and uh... Just wanted to let you know... Well, I found an apartment. Not too far away, I think it’s about time I found my own place. So, uh... I’ll be outta here by Friday if all goes well.”
I gaped at him silently. Was he serious? We had nine months left of Supernatural. Not even a year. What was the point of moving out now? Had I done something wrong? Was he planning on marrying Danneel? Did he need more space?
All these thoughts and more spun around in my head; yet I couldn’t find a single word to say that would possibly come out the way I wanted. I just stood there and stared.
Jensen didn’t say anything more. He only shifted his feet awkwardly, not looking me in the eye. Finally he mumbled, “I gotta, um. Gotta go do some stuff. Catch ya later,” and retreated to his room, nearly tripping over the rug as he went.
The next day wasn’t an improvement.
“I’m sorry for being an ass,” I apologized over pancakes and sausage.
Jensen’s jaw tightened as he squeezed the bottle of syrup over his plate. “’S fine,” he muttered.
Fuck.
This wasn’t going the way I had hoped it would. “You kinda blew me away, dude. I needed time to process it,” I tried again. Why was he pissed off? He was the one who had randomly dropped a bombshell and expected me to be totally fine with it! What was his problem?
He savagely speared some pancakes with his fork and looked up at me, eyes hard and angry. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Jared,” he said in a carefully controlled tone.
I was taken aback. “Jensen? Did I do something? Do we need to talk about this?” ‘This’ meaning him leaving, of course.
“Nope.” Jensen shovelled the last of his pancakes into his mouth and stood up, screeching the chair on the floor. He dumped his plate in the sink and rinsed it. “I’m gonna go shower.” His footsteps were heavy and somehow final as he left the room.
Set was... wrong. Shooting went remarkably well, since Sam and Dean were fighting, the obvious tension between Jensen and I helped things move along faster. On the other hand, between scenes was torture. Nobody said anything to us about “it”. I assumed Eric already knew and was staying out of the way. Jensen clearly didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to make things worse.
But they already were.
The whole time I thought, I should have just been supportive.
* * *
Three days later (two days before the Big Move), Jensen cornered me in the gym. “Jared, we need to talk,” he called as he stalked in and folded his arms across his chest.
I slowed down to a walk on the treadmill. “Okay, let’s talk.” I didn’t want to be a jerk about it, but I resented the position he had put me into and the way he had acted. He’d been avoiding me for days, and yea, okay, I was pissed. I had tried to say sorry and he’d ignored me. All I had done was be surprised, for god’s sake! I kept my face carefully neutral when I glanced at him.
His expression was tight, impassive. “Could you please...?” He waved a hand at me.
I hopped off, breathing hard from the run, and waited for him to speak.
“I’m sorry,” he said carefully, “For what I did and how I did it. It was rude and insensitive.”
I bit my tongue. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to say, “It’s fine,” and get back on the treadmill. But I didn’t. Instead I gave him a half smile, hoping, praying for a positive reaction. Because I missed him. I missed my best friend, a lot. As mad as I was, this wasn’t worth how we were behaving. It was childish and petty.
Jensen’s face relaxed a little. “Can you forgive me, Jay?”
My smile grew. “Duh.” I wanted to hug him, but his body language told me he was still uncomfortable. Something deep inside told me that not all was right again, despite Jensen’s apology. “Jen... You know that I’m sorry, too, right? Look, if it makes you happy- if it’s what you want- You know I’m behind you a hundred percent.” I may not have understood it, but...
“It’s what-” Jensen stopped. “Yeah. Okay, thanks.” He stood there for a moment. “Hey, I gotta go finish packing.”
I stared at the space where he had been standing a long time after he left, a pit in my stomach replacing the joy I had felt not two minute before. No, everything was not okay. And I didn’t know when it would be.
It never occurred to me that what he was doing and what made him happy were two different things.
* * *
Jensen moved out. It was remarkably uneventful. Things were better, but not much. There was still some tension, people were still avoiding the subject, and Jensen was only half back to normal.
Our relationship was strained, anybody could tell. Over the next few months, it made for quite a few odd moments. Jensen, for the most part, acted like his normal self, just... not with me. He laughed and joked around, but I could feel him keeping distance between us.
October rolled around, and I was ready to break.
Jensen had lost weight, probably because he hated cooking. I had done most of it while we still lived together. I lost weight because my appetite had decreased and it was almost too painful to cook for one. Harley and Sadie still wandered into Jensen’s old bedroom, whining and sniffing around until I pulled them out and slammed the door shut.
I was miserable. After all this time, I still didn’t know why he’d moved. I couldn’t keep going on without at least trying to talk to him again.
Eric refused to intervene, saying we were grown adults who could work it out ourselves. The apprehension between “Sam and Dean” was beginning to wear on the staff, though. I could tell. But what could I do?
Everything came to a head near the beginning of October.
Sam and Dean were supposed to be having a brotherly love moment. Jensen wasn’t being believable, I kept flubbing my line.
“Take fifteen!” Eric yelled after the seventh attempt. He pulled off his headphones and jogged toward us. “Alright, you two. I’ve had it.” His normally friendly voice was filled with frustration. He glanced back and forth between Jensen and I. “I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve let it go on for months already hoping you two would be smart enough fix it. Go somewhere, fight, or fuck-”
Wow, that didn’t sound like him at all.
Jensen flushed, turning away.
I scowled.
“- I don’t care. But when you come back, you better be ready to do this scene for real. Do I make myself clear?” He stormed off. “Fifteen minutes!”
I followed Jensen into his trailer. When the door closed behind me, he flashed a quick glance at me and I snapped.
“Jensen, what the fuck?”
He flinched.
“I’ve tried being patient. I tried giving you space. I tried being understanding. Nothing is working. You have to give me something, Jensen? Jesus Christ!” My voice turned pleading. “What did I do to push you away like that?”
Jensen’s eyes flitted to the floor. “I told you... It was time I found my own place.”
I wanted to cry. “With nine months left of filming?”
He nodded.
“I don’t believe you,” I choked out. “That can’t be it. Are you sick of me or something? Was I really that awful that you just couldn’t survive another nine months?” I refused to let the tears spill, blinking rapidly to keep them at bay. My throat hurt and my gut clenched but I would not let him see me cry.
Jensen’s face crumpled. “No, no, no...”
He struggled to compose himself. “God, Jared, I’m sorry. I never meant for you to think that. I just... I need you to trust me. Can you do that? I need some time. To sort things out. Please.”
Without another word, I turned and walked out.
“We’ll get it,” I told Eric tersely as he attempted to keep up with my long strides. “Sorry for the f- the delay.” Swearing at him wasn’t going to help anything.
Eric reached out. “Jared...”
“Not-” I shook my head. “Not now.”
“Okay.” He added as an afterthought, “You know if you need anything...”
“Yeah.” I forced out. “Thanks.”
Jensen reappeared five minutes later, only to have makeup pounce on him for his red-rimmed eyes.
I pointedly ignored it.
We nailed the scene three takes later.
* * *
Mid-November, we had an interview on some new talk show.
The hostess was beautiful, a leggy redhead named Mercedes with an easy-going charm. She smiled a lot and laughed when she introduced us and the audience went wild. I couldn’t help but laugh as Jensen and I walked across the stage. Fans almost always cheered me out of a funk. There was never anything quite like having hundreds of screaming females to make you feel great about yourself and what you were doing.
Jensen smiled too, never once betraying how uncomfortable I knew he was. We both sat on the couch opposite Mercedes’ chair. I would never admit it, but I missed touching Jensen. It didn’t feel right to be sitting so many inches away from him, not to be bumping shoulders and trading grins back and forth. We were no longer JaredandJensen, and my heart was breaking because of it. Nothing felt real anymore. Sometimes all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and never come out. Unfortunately, life didn’t work like that, so I faked it the best I could. I was an actor, after all.
The show was going pretty well, up until Mercedes crossed her legs and leaned forward. “Back in June, rumours were flying that you, Jensen, were looking for a new place. Finally those rumours have been confirmed.”
I sucked in a breath. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It’s not as if I hadn’t expected the topic to come up, it was bound to happen, but how was I supposed to respond? Or Jensen? Lie our asses off and say everything was just dandy?
Thankfully she didn’t question Jensen’s motive. Words couldn’t describe the depth of relief I felt when she didn’t ask why. Instead she shrugged, smiling at Jensen. “Can you tell us what it’s like living on your own again after being with Jared almost twenty four hours a day, seven days a week?” Lightly she added, “That must be quite the adjustment.”
I froze. Oh, god. I was utterly terrified of what Jensen would say.
He shocked me.
I watched the emotions play across his features. Fear- his shoulders tensed and then dropped as if he knew how obvious it was. Embarrassment- the sweep of long dark eyelashes across his freckled cheeks as he tossed a sidelong glance at me. Remorse- he briefly caught his lower lips in his teeth, a habit only I knew about, eyes filling with something like despair. This all happened in seconds, right before he flashed me a grin, soft, hesitant, and absolutely breathtaking.
I hadn’t seen him smile like that in months. The effect it had on me was instantaneous; it was like my lungs had collapsed and I couldn’t get the air I needed with Jensen looking at me like that. Like I was his whole world.
“It’s... Yeah.” His voice was hushed in answering. “Different. Um. Quieter, definitely. No dogs running around, nobody in the apartment with me.” Finally he dragged his eyes away from my face and spoke directly to Mercedes. “It’s weird not being attached at the hip.” He struggled with the words, as if he didn’t know what else to say. “I miss... Um, being able to just call out his name and hearing him pounding down the hallway to yell back, asking me what I want for supper.”
My lungs were still keeping me from taking a full breath.
Mercedes pursed her lips, eyes flicking back and forth between Jensen and I, and changed the subject.
The rest of the interview went by in a blur. Time skipped by in flashes of light and dark, in time with the slow thump-thump that was my heart beating with this sudden thing - I didn’t know what it was- that had just happened.
More cheering from the audience.
Thump.
Standing up, thanking Mercedes, shaking hands, waving goodbye.
Thump.
The ride back home, quiet, but not in the way it had been. Not tense, just relaxed.
Thump.
I got out first. Jensen said something to the driver and climbed out with me.
Thump. Thump. Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump.
* * *
“Do you, um..” The words tripped off my tongue, loose and uncoordinated, as I unlocked the door and led him inside. “Want... Like, a drink... Or... Something? I’ve got- got beer, and um.”
We stood in the kitchen. Jensen in the doorway and I by the table, desperately gripping the back of a chair so I wouldn’t fall down.
“Jared, stop.”
I shut up. He shoved his hands into his pockets.
“I’m sorry.”
“You-” I coughed. “You’re wh- sorry?”
He withdrew one hand to drag it over his face. “I lied. Jared...” He stepped forward, anguished eyes unfocused and bleak. He reached out to me and let his hand drop. “Jay...”
I couldn’t speak.
He stopped a foot away from me, exhaling shakily. He examined the floor for a minute, and then met my eyes and held them. “I lied. Not having you around is like missing a limb. Like a part of me was ripped out. I can’t live like this anymore.”
“What do you want, Jensen?” I asked him. “Obviously you couldn’t deal with what were like back in summer, either! What do you want me to do? Cause I sure as hell have no fucking clue anymore.” My head was pounding, throat strained to keep my voice from crying. Yes, crying, because I was so tired. So tired of missing Jensen; not having him around. I couldn’t function properly without him. It was killing both of us. I could only take so much.
Jensen’s eyes gleamed with unshed tears. “God,” he whispered, “I thought... I thought moving out would make it better, not ten times worse.” He ground his palms into his eyes, rubbing hard. “I’m so, so sorry.”
It was a solid minute before I regained my ability to form words. “Make- make what better?”
He blurted it out with a choked sob. “Goddamnit, I fucking love you, Jared!” He collapsed in a chair, dropping his head into his hands.
The breath I felt like I’d been holding since the interview was finally released. Did he just say...
“You sure have a funny way of showing it,” I said, hardly daring to breathe. Of all the things I imagined him saying, “I love you” was not one of them.
It came out harsher than I intended. Jensen kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, so sorry,” into his hands.
I sat in the chair next to him, closing my eyes when our knees brushed. “Jensen, why did you go?” Fuck, I really, really did not want to cry. I pulled at his wrist, wanting his hands away from his face so I could see him.
His eyelashes were wet and stuck together, bright color high in his cheeks. “I couldn’t do that to you,” he admitted. “I couldn't willingly put you into that position.”
“What position?” I demanded. “Did you think I’d run away screaming?”
“I didn’t know what to think! All I knew was that you wouldn’t feel-” He bit back the rest of the words.
“Wouldn’t feel what?” I asked softly. “The same way?”
Jensen let out a strangled groan and kissed me.
And then it was like everything slid neatly back into place. This, this is what I had been missing and wanting and needing. Jensen, my co-worker, my best friend. My other half. It was right and perfect and wonderful and I was never going to let him go again.
I opened my mouth and his tongue slid between my lips, exploring every inch of my mouth like it was his last day on Earth. I could feel him gripping my shoulder, so I moved my hands to his sides, tugging him forward so that he was straddling me in the chair, knees on either side of my hips.
“Christ, Jensen,” I breathed when he jerked back suddenly. “I’m sorry.”
He looked terrified.
“Not. About. This.” I accentuated my point by kissing my way down his throat, gently biting into the skin between his neck and shoulder. He hissed, instinctively thrusting his hips down and I shuddered. His position made it impossible for me not to feel his cock, half hard, through his jeans. Now there was no mistaking it- he knew I was as turned on as he was.
Heavy lidded green eyes swept over my face. “You’re-”
“Madly, insanely, head over fucking heels for you,” I finished for him. “And beyond horrified that it took me so long to realize it. That’s what I’m sorry for. And also for being the worst friend ever and not being patient with you when you asked me to.”
“So,” he laughed a little, settling even more into my lap. “We’re both giant assholes, then?”
I grinned lazily. “Agreed.”
Uncertainty flickered in his expression. “Jared... I hope you can forgive me. I was- hell, I can’t even begin to describe how awful I was.” He slid his hand around to the back of my neck, tangling his fingers in my hair.
I was frozen. God, he was so beautiful, resting there in my lap, looking vulnerable, and yet the love in his eyes was almost more than I could take.
“I love you,” he said simply, pressing his forehead against mine. “And I hurt you, and I’m sorry.”
“Jen. Jen,” I buried my face in his chest. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I love you, god, I love you so much, and it’s gonna be okay now.”
He kissed my ear. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.”
“Does this mean you’re moving back in?” I asked hopefully, smiling as he kissed me again, long, slow, and deep.
Laughter rumbled in his chest. “If you’ll have me.”
“Forever and ever as long as we both shall live,” was my cheeky response. More kisses followed, the slip-slide of tongues against each other making us both strain to get closer.
Jensen’s smile was blinding. “Sounds good to me.”