(no subject)
This morning something great happened.
Ever since the breakup, and really before that in a less in-your-face way, weekends have sucked. (Now that I think about it, there's really only been one weekend since the breakup (it feels like it's been so much longer), but man it sucked.) I used to go out to Salem on the weekends, and I'd wake up in Sean's bed next to him and we'd lay there and talk and cuddle and kiss for a while and then go to Red's Diner for breakfast, and waking up in my own bed last Saturday, alone, with the whole day stretching out ahead of me with no Sean in it, was horrible. I anticipated that this would be difficult, so I filled last weekend with stuff to do - I watched a movie with Clark, I baked cookies with Erin, I drank margaritas with Nicki - but in spite of this, last weekend was hard and full of heartache, and I felt lonely, even among my friends.
This morning when I woke up, I had been dreaming about Sean - I think we were climbing a mountain together. But I woke up alone, and after a brief wave of misery I started to think about the day ahead of me. And I noticed something interesting: instead of worrying about how I was going to fill the long stretch of hours, I was worrying about how I was going to fit all the things I wanted and needed to do into those hours. That may seem like a trivial difference. But instead of my inner voice saying, "Oh God, another Sunday with all this time to feel lonely and sad - how can I distract myself?" it said instead, "Hmm, it's already ten, and I have to meet Clark for dinner at eight. What can I do with that time?"
I don't know if I explained that very well. It's hard to put into words. But it was the difference between feeling trapped in the day and feeling liberated by the day, feeling that time was not a desert but a meadow; that instead of having ten hours before me that I needed to fill somehow, I had ten hours before me in which I could do things I wanted or needed to do. Those ten hours became, somehow, an opportunity instead of a purgatory.
In one small way after another, I am changing my life. It feels good.
Ever since the breakup, and really before that in a less in-your-face way, weekends have sucked. (Now that I think about it, there's really only been one weekend since the breakup (it feels like it's been so much longer), but man it sucked.) I used to go out to Salem on the weekends, and I'd wake up in Sean's bed next to him and we'd lay there and talk and cuddle and kiss for a while and then go to Red's Diner for breakfast, and waking up in my own bed last Saturday, alone, with the whole day stretching out ahead of me with no Sean in it, was horrible. I anticipated that this would be difficult, so I filled last weekend with stuff to do - I watched a movie with Clark, I baked cookies with Erin, I drank margaritas with Nicki - but in spite of this, last weekend was hard and full of heartache, and I felt lonely, even among my friends.
This morning when I woke up, I had been dreaming about Sean - I think we were climbing a mountain together. But I woke up alone, and after a brief wave of misery I started to think about the day ahead of me. And I noticed something interesting: instead of worrying about how I was going to fill the long stretch of hours, I was worrying about how I was going to fit all the things I wanted and needed to do into those hours. That may seem like a trivial difference. But instead of my inner voice saying, "Oh God, another Sunday with all this time to feel lonely and sad - how can I distract myself?" it said instead, "Hmm, it's already ten, and I have to meet Clark for dinner at eight. What can I do with that time?"
I don't know if I explained that very well. It's hard to put into words. But it was the difference between feeling trapped in the day and feeling liberated by the day, feeling that time was not a desert but a meadow; that instead of having ten hours before me that I needed to fill somehow, I had ten hours before me in which I could do things I wanted or needed to do. Those ten hours became, somehow, an opportunity instead of a purgatory.
In one small way after another, I am changing my life. It feels good.