Same Bridge, Different Water
Yesterday was the 18-month mark of Ariel's death. Well, OK, it's probably a couple of days off. It is the 18-month (to the day) of when the police were at my door to tell me they'd found her body. Given the condition of it, it was like ly at least day or two before that that she'd died. However, as that's what I know for sure, I've been using that as the landmark date.
Anyway, it's another anniversary, of a sort. Yes, I know it's not a whole year. However, at least for now even the major fractions still seem to have meaning. Part of it this time is in getting to see some of what's changed for me in the last 18 months. One got pointed out by a friend of mine last night. Even a year ago, if I had a rough thought or idea come to mind, it'd blow me out of the water for a day, or more. Those thoughts & feelings still come up, but, they don't mess with me anywhere near as long as they used to.
I can also stand looking at a lot more than I did before without shutting down or getting overwhelmed or having to find some way to hide from what it means. I can look at the things that I did badly with her in the last couple of years and not get utterly torn up with guilt and regret. Sure, I still wish I hadn't done some of those things, but I can also get it that those aren't why she killed herself. And they don't preclude me from being able to acknowledge the things I did well, too. Along with that, I'm better able to handle thinking about how long she'd been depressed and sad and suicidal. I'm still sad that she couldn't or wouldn't open up more, but it's easier to understand why she was the way she was and why she did what she did.
I'm guessing there's other ways I've grown and healed that I don't see so well. Some things other people see better in us than we see in ourselves. But it's good to be able to see at least some of it happening. I still don't know how long it's going to be before I'm "normal" again. The old joke comes to mind about questioning whether I was ever normal to begin with. I've wondered even about feeling normal. At least things are getting better.
And I'm grateful for that.
Anyway, it's another anniversary, of a sort. Yes, I know it's not a whole year. However, at least for now even the major fractions still seem to have meaning. Part of it this time is in getting to see some of what's changed for me in the last 18 months. One got pointed out by a friend of mine last night. Even a year ago, if I had a rough thought or idea come to mind, it'd blow me out of the water for a day, or more. Those thoughts & feelings still come up, but, they don't mess with me anywhere near as long as they used to.
I can also stand looking at a lot more than I did before without shutting down or getting overwhelmed or having to find some way to hide from what it means. I can look at the things that I did badly with her in the last couple of years and not get utterly torn up with guilt and regret. Sure, I still wish I hadn't done some of those things, but I can also get it that those aren't why she killed herself. And they don't preclude me from being able to acknowledge the things I did well, too. Along with that, I'm better able to handle thinking about how long she'd been depressed and sad and suicidal. I'm still sad that she couldn't or wouldn't open up more, but it's easier to understand why she was the way she was and why she did what she did.
I'm guessing there's other ways I've grown and healed that I don't see so well. Some things other people see better in us than we see in ourselves. But it's good to be able to see at least some of it happening. I still don't know how long it's going to be before I'm "normal" again. The old joke comes to mind about questioning whether I was ever normal to begin with. I've wondered even about feeling normal. At least things are getting better.
And I'm grateful for that.