Video and Healing
I surprised myself this weekend. I'd been in a space of wanting to get stuff done, as for most of the last year I've been struggling to just keep up with the barest necessities. Having the energy to do a bit more has been a nice change. Among other things, I got the bathroom where the cat box is cleaned up and managed to clear up the kitchen sinks that had been backing up anytime I ran the water. Along with that, I finally got around to making a DVD copy of one of the VHS tapes of our wedding in 1999. It'd taken me awhile to figure out how to do it, so by the time the burn was done, I was too tired to test it out. I figured that'd keep for Sunday.
Come Sunday, I figured it'd be good to test it out, just to make sure the burn worked. After all, I'd hate to think it had only to find out it didn't work. That'd be especially bad to find out if something happened to the tape. I'd assumed I'd just pop it in, hit play, watch for a few seconds, and call it good.
Half an hour later, a little over half way through it, I shut it off.
I hadn't intended to watch anywhere near that much. If you'd have asked me Saturday when I was burning the disc when I thought I might be ready to try looking at it, I might've said three or four years down the line. I'm honestly not sure where the impulse came from to keep watching. That's how it played out, though. And I didn't react anywhere near how I thought I would.
Don't get me wrong. I cried through a fair amount of it, especially once it got to the ceremony itself and I got to see her walk in. I'd expected that. I'd also expected to feel pretty drained afterward, which I was. I didn't expect that the crying and sadness wouldn't take me apart, though. I didn't expect to only have a low level of anxiety around watching it. I'd expected to have been jittering and twitching from the point of hitting "Play" on the remote. I was very surprised by how glad I was to see her again, to hear her voice, and to recall how good of a day that was.
In a vaguely detached way, I was stunned that there was no anger that came up. None at all.
I honestly couldn't say, not for the life of me, what exactly it is I've done in the last 16 months or so that got me to where I could watch that and have it go the way it did. So much of the last year looks to be in a fog, much like it was to live through it. I wouldn't know how to advise someone going through the same kind of thing, not in any specific kind of sense. I'm afraid this really is the kind of thing that is something everyone has to figure out for themselves.
I'm just grateful to see that kind of change and growth happen.
Come Sunday, I figured it'd be good to test it out, just to make sure the burn worked. After all, I'd hate to think it had only to find out it didn't work. That'd be especially bad to find out if something happened to the tape. I'd assumed I'd just pop it in, hit play, watch for a few seconds, and call it good.
Half an hour later, a little over half way through it, I shut it off.
I hadn't intended to watch anywhere near that much. If you'd have asked me Saturday when I was burning the disc when I thought I might be ready to try looking at it, I might've said three or four years down the line. I'm honestly not sure where the impulse came from to keep watching. That's how it played out, though. And I didn't react anywhere near how I thought I would.
Don't get me wrong. I cried through a fair amount of it, especially once it got to the ceremony itself and I got to see her walk in. I'd expected that. I'd also expected to feel pretty drained afterward, which I was. I didn't expect that the crying and sadness wouldn't take me apart, though. I didn't expect to only have a low level of anxiety around watching it. I'd expected to have been jittering and twitching from the point of hitting "Play" on the remote. I was very surprised by how glad I was to see her again, to hear her voice, and to recall how good of a day that was.
In a vaguely detached way, I was stunned that there was no anger that came up. None at all.
I honestly couldn't say, not for the life of me, what exactly it is I've done in the last 16 months or so that got me to where I could watch that and have it go the way it did. So much of the last year looks to be in a fog, much like it was to live through it. I wouldn't know how to advise someone going through the same kind of thing, not in any specific kind of sense. I'm afraid this really is the kind of thing that is something everyone has to figure out for themselves.
I'm just grateful to see that kind of change and growth happen.