Super Bowl Traditions...
So, Super Bowl Sunday has came and went. But, watching the pomp surrounding the game yesterday got me thinking about all of the traditions that have come to be synonymous with the Superest of all Bowls.
The Super Bowl itself began in 1967 when the NFL and AFL merged and decided to crown the ultimate football victors. Of course, at a football event of such magnitude, just a regular old high school marching band wouldn't suffice for the entertainment that no one used to watch but instead went to the bathroom. Instead, Anaheim High School's Drill Team were invited to watch Grambling State University's band perform a rousing "Tribute to Slavery." This proved such a hit that the next year, the Grambling State University Band was asked back for "Super Bowl Halftime Slavery Bonanza Bash: Rights for Whites!" After a long, two year term, the Grambling State University Band was finally freed after a out-cry of support from many who deemed it cruel to have the band live out the year at the site of the following Super Bowl.
Super Bowl III's Half Time show would not stray far from its roots, however, as Florida A&M University Band was rounded up to perform a number called "America Thanks Cheap Labor and Spry Athleticism" Certainly, fearing a tradition of awful racism the Vince Lombardi Emancipation Proclamation was put into affect soon after Florida A&M's beautiful performance left a nation in tears for what they had wrought.
The following year, Carol Channing, America's whitest white person was brought in to perform in response to the past shows signaling a new era of Halftime entertainment and a hopeful end to Halftime racism. She would come back the following year for what many concede to be the Super Bowl's concessions to black college marching bands of the first three Super Bowls when Channing, Ella Fitzgerald, and the United States Marine Corps Silent Drill Platoon performed:
"An Oral Stimulation Salute to Louis Armstrong."
Many years of Super Bowls would pass, many horrifying Super Bowl Halftime shows would sicken our nation progressively worse and worse. Be it the 1979 Carnival Salute to Caribbean Donkey Shows, or the 1986 Up With People performance that ended with a crowd card stunt that brought us our first look at what has become known only as Goatse.
For your own well being, I am not showing what happened when this crowd flipped those cards, if you are curious, just rent the 1986 Super Bowl video by NFL Films. They have a 20 minute segment about the stunt and how Mike Ditka was able to stretch his anus so wide. Sam Spence's soundtrack has never been so haunting.
Gross displays of ferocious orgies and savage debasements littered the Halftime show for much of the 80s and early 90s. Many a youth would claim to have come of age peaking through their enclosed hands as their parents forced them to look away from the oily, exhausting spectacles. However, due in large part to disinterest and the original Gulf War preempting the Halftime show in 1991, the NFL and network officials decided to sign top acts for the halftime in future years to boost future viewership and interest. The choice was made to bring in Michael Jackson to sing "Heal the World" while small children for every parts of the globe held hand, trembling, and awaiting their turn.
The trend of big stars that followed would lead to Halftime Shows featuring such luminaries as Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Dan Aykroyd, and Miami Sound Machine insulting and assaulting millions upon millions of viewers spanning the globe. In 2002, U2 held an emotional tribute to Bono with the band performing on a heart-shaped stage featured a banner scrolling the names of the nearly 3,000 people who have had sex with Bono in 2001. Controversy hit the Halftime show in 2003 when the scheduled 12 minute set was prolonged for nearly 6 hours, causing nearly everyone to miss the second half of the game, when Sting demonstrated a rousing display of tantric sex with Shania Twain and Gwen Stefani.
In 2004, in what would be one of the tamest events in Halftime history, Janet Jackson planned to expose herself with the help of a then squeaky clean Justin Timberlake. The act transpired with what the duo would claim was a "wardrobe malfuntion" when instead of a full-on nude Janet Jackson, only her saggy, wrinkled breast was unleashed all made worse by a weighty, gaudy nipple piercing that served to only highlight the error. Parents everywhere would call up the networks and thank them for not allowing the event to devolve into a Caligula-esque fuck-fest. There was one mission for the performer at the next year's Super Bowl Halftime Show, to not be upstaged by an aging pop star. Aging pop star Paul McCartney would play his 14 minute set with what he would go on to describe as with a "wardrobe paragon."
There would be no relief for the weathered parents in 2007 when, as what seems now like a probable dare gone horribly wrong, Prince was tabbed to perform the Halftime Show. Prince would come out to the tears of God as a drenching thunderstorm soaked the Miami stadium as The Artist spent 10 of his 12 allotted minutes chanting menacingly before the final 2 minute furious finale ended with an unfurling of a giant demonic phallus that would impregnate all of the virgins in the audience, male or female, with the seed of Satan.
However, his rendition of "Let's Go Crazy" was applauded for being well played with a featured spirited solo.
To switch things up a little, the next year, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were allowed to literally hunt down and violently murder the people that came onto the field to stand near the stage. In between "Free Fallin'" and "Runnin' Down a Dream", Petty was seen brandishing a crossbow. This is an image that is said to haunt the nightmares of the children that were unfortunate enough to have watched it. As well, it was the first live television broadcast of the most dangerous game of all. And this brings us to last night, with Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. The Boss spent the entire performance attempting nothing more than to face-fuck America.
A flash poll of Americans had the majority either satisfied with the performance or just happy that he kept his pants on.
- Traditionally, you have your buddies over for some wings, beer, and spinach dip.
- Traditionally, you have your six to six and a half hour pre-game show where we find out everything we ever wanted to know about the underdog's courageous punter. (His dad probably died a week before the game after promising he'd only tell him he was proud of him if he ever made it to the Super Bowl.)
- Traditionally, you have the armed forces involved somehow. Whether it be a color guard brigade or some Blue Angels flying over head. We're generally going to feel some Troop-guilt for caring about football while another newly-minted (now single) mother finds out her husband just had his head blown off for a war he begged to be let out of.
- Traditionally, Faith Hill will sing something. Somewhere along the way Faith Hill became synonymous with football. No one knows how or especially why, but there she is, every time I watch a game, queefing out another song about our fastest growing sport.
- Traditionally, companies will spend millions upon millions on ads featuring monkeys. These ads will be so over-hyped that even your girlfriend will stomach the sight of your wing-stained face and beer-bloated, belt unbuckled, gut-overlapping look for the opportunity to see what the Ad Wizards will think of next. Traditionally, we now watch the game solely for the commercials.
- Traditionally, the winning quarterback will awkwardly reply to a waiting camera upon the question, "Hey, (insert balding star), you've just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do now?" with "I'm going to Disney World!" At which, the poor guy will actually have to go to Disney World, as though he is now bound by law, and ride in a parade with Mickey Mouse dressed as a football player.
The Super Bowl itself began in 1967 when the NFL and AFL merged and decided to crown the ultimate football victors. Of course, at a football event of such magnitude, just a regular old high school marching band wouldn't suffice for the entertainment that no one used to watch but instead went to the bathroom. Instead, Anaheim High School's Drill Team were invited to watch Grambling State University's band perform a rousing "Tribute to Slavery." This proved such a hit that the next year, the Grambling State University Band was asked back for "Super Bowl Halftime Slavery Bonanza Bash: Rights for Whites!" After a long, two year term, the Grambling State University Band was finally freed after a out-cry of support from many who deemed it cruel to have the band live out the year at the site of the following Super Bowl.
Super Bowl III's Half Time show would not stray far from its roots, however, as Florida A&M University Band was rounded up to perform a number called "America Thanks Cheap Labor and Spry Athleticism" Certainly, fearing a tradition of awful racism the Vince Lombardi Emancipation Proclamation was put into affect soon after Florida A&M's beautiful performance left a nation in tears for what they had wrought.
The following year, Carol Channing, America's whitest white person was brought in to perform in response to the past shows signaling a new era of Halftime entertainment and a hopeful end to Halftime racism. She would come back the following year for what many concede to be the Super Bowl's concessions to black college marching bands of the first three Super Bowls when Channing, Ella Fitzgerald, and the United States Marine Corps Silent Drill Platoon performed:
"An Oral Stimulation Salute to Louis Armstrong."
Many years of Super Bowls would pass, many horrifying Super Bowl Halftime shows would sicken our nation progressively worse and worse. Be it the 1979 Carnival Salute to Caribbean Donkey Shows, or the 1986 Up With People performance that ended with a crowd card stunt that brought us our first look at what has become known only as Goatse.
For your own well being, I am not showing what happened when this crowd flipped those cards, if you are curious, just rent the 1986 Super Bowl video by NFL Films. They have a 20 minute segment about the stunt and how Mike Ditka was able to stretch his anus so wide. Sam Spence's soundtrack has never been so haunting.
Gross displays of ferocious orgies and savage debasements littered the Halftime show for much of the 80s and early 90s. Many a youth would claim to have come of age peaking through their enclosed hands as their parents forced them to look away from the oily, exhausting spectacles. However, due in large part to disinterest and the original Gulf War preempting the Halftime show in 1991, the NFL and network officials decided to sign top acts for the halftime in future years to boost future viewership and interest. The choice was made to bring in Michael Jackson to sing "Heal the World" while small children for every parts of the globe held hand, trembling, and awaiting their turn.
The trend of big stars that followed would lead to Halftime Shows featuring such luminaries as Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Dan Aykroyd, and Miami Sound Machine insulting and assaulting millions upon millions of viewers spanning the globe. In 2002, U2 held an emotional tribute to Bono with the band performing on a heart-shaped stage featured a banner scrolling the names of the nearly 3,000 people who have had sex with Bono in 2001. Controversy hit the Halftime show in 2003 when the scheduled 12 minute set was prolonged for nearly 6 hours, causing nearly everyone to miss the second half of the game, when Sting demonstrated a rousing display of tantric sex with Shania Twain and Gwen Stefani.
In 2004, in what would be one of the tamest events in Halftime history, Janet Jackson planned to expose herself with the help of a then squeaky clean Justin Timberlake. The act transpired with what the duo would claim was a "wardrobe malfuntion" when instead of a full-on nude Janet Jackson, only her saggy, wrinkled breast was unleashed all made worse by a weighty, gaudy nipple piercing that served to only highlight the error. Parents everywhere would call up the networks and thank them for not allowing the event to devolve into a Caligula-esque fuck-fest. There was one mission for the performer at the next year's Super Bowl Halftime Show, to not be upstaged by an aging pop star. Aging pop star Paul McCartney would play his 14 minute set with what he would go on to describe as with a "wardrobe paragon."
There would be no relief for the weathered parents in 2007 when, as what seems now like a probable dare gone horribly wrong, Prince was tabbed to perform the Halftime Show. Prince would come out to the tears of God as a drenching thunderstorm soaked the Miami stadium as The Artist spent 10 of his 12 allotted minutes chanting menacingly before the final 2 minute furious finale ended with an unfurling of a giant demonic phallus that would impregnate all of the virgins in the audience, male or female, with the seed of Satan.
However, his rendition of "Let's Go Crazy" was applauded for being well played with a featured spirited solo.
To switch things up a little, the next year, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were allowed to literally hunt down and violently murder the people that came onto the field to stand near the stage. In between "Free Fallin'" and "Runnin' Down a Dream", Petty was seen brandishing a crossbow. This is an image that is said to haunt the nightmares of the children that were unfortunate enough to have watched it. As well, it was the first live television broadcast of the most dangerous game of all. And this brings us to last night, with Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. The Boss spent the entire performance attempting nothing more than to face-fuck America.
A flash poll of Americans had the majority either satisfied with the performance or just happy that he kept his pants on.