Inside Scoop on Banking.
It's closing time.
The money's away, the vault shuts with a resounding crash, the security system engages with a series of ear-splitting beeps, and I am turning off the lights. I'm hungry, I'm ready to go home. I hit the last light-switch, turn the corner and there, rattling the doors, is a woman. Deep breath, sigh. I unlock the door, step out, and begin locking it behind me as I acknowledge her with a casual, "Good evening."
"I'm going to take my account elsewhere," she snaps back. "You're never open when I'm able to get here." She storms away.
There are many solutions, a.) debit cards, b.) the ATM, c.) the night deposit, d.) our extended Friday hours, or e.) the numerous branches open on Saturday. Being a cranky bitch is not an acceptable solution. What's more, because the bank makes a big, fat ZERO bucks with your 300-dollar account, please, by all means, take it elsewhere. Unless you are sitting on $20,000+ the bank is really not going to miss you. If you're a grumpy grouch we really won't miss you.
Now, it may come as a surprise to some, but we are NOT public servants, we are a for-profit business interested in making money. Do you work for free? I'd rather be home in my pajamas---so, for me to noose myself in a tie and fake my way through hours of small-talk, the bank needs to be able to generate money to pay me. There are a handful of clients who are fun, polite, sweethearts, and/or just so damn cute I'd help them even if I wasn't being paid. Unfortunately, they are somewhat few and far between.
Some hints.
* We are really not paid as much as you think. Therefore, we really have no desire to listen to you mope, gripe, and caterwaul about one thing or another. Have a million-dollars to invest with us? I will probably be rewarded with a $5 Starbucks card. That means pretty much fuck-all to me---so, is it worth dealing with your sour, crotchety self? Chances are: No.
* Don't spend money you don't have. If you really want to do that, get a credit card, open a loan. If you want to use your checking account when you haven't enough in there or, worse, are already negative: we're going to charge you a fucking arm and a leg. A fucking arm and a leg. Want a tissue? The terms are all laid out, in black & white, in the account you signed-up for.
* Seven-hundred dollars in the hole? DON'T BE A DICK. If you have to go with an emotional response, try being sad, apologetic---evoke pity and compassion. We really will try to help. Act like a fucking asshole, demand that your penalties are removed, and I can guarantee who we'll be laughing about in the back while you eat your fees.
* Speaking of fees, it's not how we make our money. We want loans. Fees are a slap on the wrist to keep clients from doing no-nos. The bank generates millions from fees---but it also spends millions dealing with what those fees are meant to prevent, or at least minimize. Trust me: I really don't want fees assessed against you but, work with me here, read the documentation you signed.
* Don't understand something? Ask. Politely. And smile. Be pleasant.
The money's away, the vault shuts with a resounding crash, the security system engages with a series of ear-splitting beeps, and I am turning off the lights. I'm hungry, I'm ready to go home. I hit the last light-switch, turn the corner and there, rattling the doors, is a woman. Deep breath, sigh. I unlock the door, step out, and begin locking it behind me as I acknowledge her with a casual, "Good evening."
"I'm going to take my account elsewhere," she snaps back. "You're never open when I'm able to get here." She storms away.
There are many solutions, a.) debit cards, b.) the ATM, c.) the night deposit, d.) our extended Friday hours, or e.) the numerous branches open on Saturday. Being a cranky bitch is not an acceptable solution. What's more, because the bank makes a big, fat ZERO bucks with your 300-dollar account, please, by all means, take it elsewhere. Unless you are sitting on $20,000+ the bank is really not going to miss you. If you're a grumpy grouch we really won't miss you.
Now, it may come as a surprise to some, but we are NOT public servants, we are a for-profit business interested in making money. Do you work for free? I'd rather be home in my pajamas---so, for me to noose myself in a tie and fake my way through hours of small-talk, the bank needs to be able to generate money to pay me. There are a handful of clients who are fun, polite, sweethearts, and/or just so damn cute I'd help them even if I wasn't being paid. Unfortunately, they are somewhat few and far between.
Some hints.
* We are really not paid as much as you think. Therefore, we really have no desire to listen to you mope, gripe, and caterwaul about one thing or another. Have a million-dollars to invest with us? I will probably be rewarded with a $5 Starbucks card. That means pretty much fuck-all to me---so, is it worth dealing with your sour, crotchety self? Chances are: No.
* Don't spend money you don't have. If you really want to do that, get a credit card, open a loan. If you want to use your checking account when you haven't enough in there or, worse, are already negative: we're going to charge you a fucking arm and a leg. A fucking arm and a leg. Want a tissue? The terms are all laid out, in black & white, in the account you signed-up for.
* Seven-hundred dollars in the hole? DON'T BE A DICK. If you have to go with an emotional response, try being sad, apologetic---evoke pity and compassion. We really will try to help. Act like a fucking asshole, demand that your penalties are removed, and I can guarantee who we'll be laughing about in the back while you eat your fees.
* Speaking of fees, it's not how we make our money. We want loans. Fees are a slap on the wrist to keep clients from doing no-nos. The bank generates millions from fees---but it also spends millions dealing with what those fees are meant to prevent, or at least minimize. Trust me: I really don't want fees assessed against you but, work with me here, read the documentation you signed.
* Don't understand something? Ask. Politely. And smile. Be pleasant.