It gets better: Against Bullying
At the beginning of September, our preschool newsletter had a note to parents to talk to their children about bullying, that there had been a problem with name-calling at the preschool. I had hoped my lad would be protected from all that. I've kept an eye on his reactions since then, and I think for the time being, things are working themselves out.
A friend of mine recommended Jodee Blanco's "Please Stop Laughing At Me," so when I found it at the library I checked it out. I've linked to the website, and I would encourage anyone who is struggling with social cruelty to check out the blog, the forum, and the book.
Tonight, I just finished reading Mom, They're Teasing Me, by Michael Thompson, Lawrence Cohen, and Catherine O'Neill Grace.
Two very different perspectives. One, that of a former victim, another child psychologists. I do recommend both books.
I haven't told my story yet, and this blog entry won't be it. I will say that my school days were never as physically dangerous as some of the attacks that Jodee describes. But like Jodee, I too found my way to happiness and success.
What I get from Jodee's book, and the news stories of the past decade, is the importance of taking child-on-child cruelty incidents seriously. That, as a parent, we should not assume that our child is defective. Because both books say that we have a systemic problem.
Thompson, Cohen, and Grace put it this way: No One Is Safe Unless Everyone Is Safe.
"If we can't identify those who are likely to become violent, what can we do? We can create a culture in the school that promotes acceptance and inclusion, does not tolerate rejection or neglect, and focuses on the responsibility of bystanders to take a stand against all forms of bullying and meanness.""
The two biggest takeaways from their book, after the above paragraph are this:
1) Adults need to be adults. Know who your child's friends are, know the other parents in the community. Talk with the other parents and talk with the teachers/staff to get as complete a perspective as possible.
2) Children truly do love their friends. "Parents...imagine that love is something that adults feel and that a child's version is milder or more diluted. They couldn't be further from the truth. Children love with all their might."
3) Some level of social troubles, lost friendships, and even teasing are normal. It's the dynamics of the classroom and the school, as open systems within the larger community that can moderate or exacerbate the situation.
"Interventions that really work at schools involve the whole system, at every level. That includes assemblies for the whole student body, training for teachers, meetings for parents, guidelines for classrooms, and well-established plans for handling bullies, victims, and the majority of children in between. And this systemwide approach can't just be a one-shot deal for a single deal for a single school year. It has to be a real commitment."
Much of the media discussion has focused lately on gay children, because of the suicides of the last few weeks. But since one of the factors in my situation was weight, I wanted to point out these articles:
1) Bullying can cause depression, which can lead to overeating, can become a downward spiral:
Obesity and depression are a two-way street | Reuters
Obese kids more vulnerable to bullies - CNN.com
2) All human beings need to be accepted somewhere, somehow, sometime. In the ideal world, home is a safe shelter from whatever storms may rage in the outer world. When parents get in on the act, they may be destroying their child's haven and hope.
(It may only take one adult believing in a child to get them through. If the parents are disparaging, that one adult is not likely to be them.)
When parent's good intentions disparage obese children - CNN.com
3) Social cruelty can have long-term effects.
When a bullied kid grows up - CNN.com
A friend of mine recommended Jodee Blanco's "Please Stop Laughing At Me," so when I found it at the library I checked it out. I've linked to the website, and I would encourage anyone who is struggling with social cruelty to check out the blog, the forum, and the book.
Tonight, I just finished reading Mom, They're Teasing Me, by Michael Thompson, Lawrence Cohen, and Catherine O'Neill Grace.
Two very different perspectives. One, that of a former victim, another child psychologists. I do recommend both books.
I haven't told my story yet, and this blog entry won't be it. I will say that my school days were never as physically dangerous as some of the attacks that Jodee describes. But like Jodee, I too found my way to happiness and success.
What I get from Jodee's book, and the news stories of the past decade, is the importance of taking child-on-child cruelty incidents seriously. That, as a parent, we should not assume that our child is defective. Because both books say that we have a systemic problem.
Thompson, Cohen, and Grace put it this way: No One Is Safe Unless Everyone Is Safe.
"If we can't identify those who are likely to become violent, what can we do? We can create a culture in the school that promotes acceptance and inclusion, does not tolerate rejection or neglect, and focuses on the responsibility of bystanders to take a stand against all forms of bullying and meanness.""
The two biggest takeaways from their book, after the above paragraph are this:
1) Adults need to be adults. Know who your child's friends are, know the other parents in the community. Talk with the other parents and talk with the teachers/staff to get as complete a perspective as possible.
2) Children truly do love their friends. "Parents...imagine that love is something that adults feel and that a child's version is milder or more diluted. They couldn't be further from the truth. Children love with all their might."
3) Some level of social troubles, lost friendships, and even teasing are normal. It's the dynamics of the classroom and the school, as open systems within the larger community that can moderate or exacerbate the situation.
"Interventions that really work at schools involve the whole system, at every level. That includes assemblies for the whole student body, training for teachers, meetings for parents, guidelines for classrooms, and well-established plans for handling bullies, victims, and the majority of children in between. And this systemwide approach can't just be a one-shot deal for a single deal for a single school year. It has to be a real commitment."
Much of the media discussion has focused lately on gay children, because of the suicides of the last few weeks. But since one of the factors in my situation was weight, I wanted to point out these articles:
1) Bullying can cause depression, which can lead to overeating, can become a downward spiral:
Obesity and depression are a two-way street | Reuters
Obese kids more vulnerable to bullies - CNN.com
2) All human beings need to be accepted somewhere, somehow, sometime. In the ideal world, home is a safe shelter from whatever storms may rage in the outer world. When parents get in on the act, they may be destroying their child's haven and hope.
(It may only take one adult believing in a child to get them through. If the parents are disparaging, that one adult is not likely to be them.)
When parent's good intentions disparage obese children - CNN.com
3) Social cruelty can have long-term effects.
When a bullied kid grows up - CNN.com