Around Again
I had to take some time off and get my head together. The first few months of this have been pretty hard on me mentally. I was already in counseling for unrelated issues. Actually, they were related, but I wasn't aware of it. But, I recently started therapy that focuses on gender in a organization that deals with it exclusively. I can't thank the Gender Health Center enough and if I ever get rich, they are getting a huge check. They have saved my life, literally. I was on the path to the ultimate fix. That's basically why I cut out from the Trans Community right when I was starting to get into it.
It's funny, not really, but it it was going to the Trans Rememberance vigil that really set me off. You'd think it would inspire me on some level to know that there is support out there. Unfortunately, I feel incredible disconnected to Trans culture. That's mostly my fault. I haven't been comfortable with my own gender identity my whole life so it makes sense that seeing it all around me would make me uncomfortable.
I've been trying, though. I've been pushing myself to keep researching, keep reading and immerse myself into it so that it's not something uknown and unfamiliar. It's those two things that breed fear. So, I'm dipping my toes back in, but more slowly this time and more aware that I have to come to terms with my gender and it's not going to happen in a snap. I'll have to work on it and accept the fact that life on the other end is where I'm headed. I need to start reconciling that internal need with my enviroment now and it may mean starting over.
It's funny, not really, but it it was going to the Trans Rememberance vigil that really set me off. You'd think it would inspire me on some level to know that there is support out there. Unfortunately, I feel incredible disconnected to Trans culture. That's mostly my fault. I haven't been comfortable with my own gender identity my whole life so it makes sense that seeing it all around me would make me uncomfortable.
I've been trying, though. I've been pushing myself to keep researching, keep reading and immerse myself into it so that it's not something uknown and unfamiliar. It's those two things that breed fear. So, I'm dipping my toes back in, but more slowly this time and more aware that I have to come to terms with my gender and it's not going to happen in a snap. I'll have to work on it and accept the fact that life on the other end is where I'm headed. I need to start reconciling that internal need with my enviroment now and it may mean starting over.