(no subject)
so yeah...i've been acting weird lately...i'm starting to feel pulled again...this time it feels worse than before because mom isn't really being weird or anything (well, no weirder than usual), i just don't want to be at home...i don't even think it's really being pulled in two different directions any more either...i think i'm having guilt. guilt for growing up and wanting to leave. does that even make any sense?? why do i have guilt for something that i am supposed to be doing at this stage in my life? i don't know what to do about it...i'm not going to stop doing what i want to do, growing up, and living my life just because i'm feeling guilty for leaving my family behind, but i don't know how to stop feeling guilty either. i figure it's just because the holidays are coming up...but i don't want to keep felling like this through christmas! that's insane!! i think i'm already getting over the guilt though...just talking about it like this is making me feel better and less on-edge. ^-^ this is good!
in other news...i just found out last night that my grandpa has prostate cancer...i'm not entirely sure how i feel about that...on the one hand i think it's still trying to sink in, and on the other i feel completely neutral...it's a part of life and a part of getting old...my grandmother is getting some tests done too, but she's being very quiet about it...she's actually being weird about my grandpa too...i think this whole cancer thing is freaking her out...any who...i guess that's part of the reason why i've been so guilty about the holidays and everything...mom's been saying that something's been going on health-wise with my grandparents but wouldn't tell me what but she did say that it might effect what we'd do for thanksgiving and christmas, and i've been trying to figure out how to spend the holidays with my family and greg's family at the same time...right now i'm thinking that thanksgiving is a lost cause but i think i can do christmas if i can borrow dad's car...but yeah, slight tangent there....except i think that's the crux of my guilt....it seems like my entire family has been holding their breath for my grandparents' health issues and i've been going on living my life
in other news...i just found out last night that my grandpa has prostate cancer...i'm not entirely sure how i feel about that...on the one hand i think it's still trying to sink in, and on the other i feel completely neutral...it's a part of life and a part of getting old...my grandmother is getting some tests done too, but she's being very quiet about it...she's actually being weird about my grandpa too...i think this whole cancer thing is freaking her out...any who...i guess that's part of the reason why i've been so guilty about the holidays and everything...mom's been saying that something's been going on health-wise with my grandparents but wouldn't tell me what but she did say that it might effect what we'd do for thanksgiving and christmas, and i've been trying to figure out how to spend the holidays with my family and greg's family at the same time...right now i'm thinking that thanksgiving is a lost cause but i think i can do christmas if i can borrow dad's car...but yeah, slight tangent there....except i think that's the crux of my guilt....it seems like my entire family has been holding their breath for my grandparents' health issues and i've been going on living my life