in/vulnerable
i've thought about posting this at least a dozen times. what stopped me in the past was a lack of time, a lack of interest, and.....maybe i don't like to feel vulnerable or something. i tend to fight my own fights, perhaps to a fault. it seems to work ok most of the time.
i have no outline in mind, so i'm just gonna ramble. i have no idea how short or long this will be, or what exactly i'll, uh, reveal, for a lack of a better word.
obviously i absolutely suck when it comes to getting over a break-up. geez louise. i mean, don't get me wrong - i'm pretty much ok. well, specifically it's almost like i'm ok and not ok at the exact same time. i'm open with people (at least i try to be - more on that later), i'm probably the most self-confident i've ever been, i have direction, and at times i feel connected with...everything. it's an amazing feeling when it happens. but peel back a few layers, and i know something's wrong. it's hard to explain. the sense i get, i described briefly on FB (in a typical cryptic metaphor): it feels like i'm walking into a forgotten room full of broken furniture.
i try to hold on to the belief that maybe deep down inside people are inherently good, and that there's order to all the chaos. maybe we'll all linked, and we're all crazy in our own ways but somehow that all makes sense - like a giant jigsaw puzzle. but then i feel myself slip away from those ideals. or we'll say that something PULLS me away from it. we can also say that this thing is in the room full of broken furniture...or IS the room itself.
(i think in pictures. be prepared for some more.)
i realize that i'm standing in my own way. it's what we all do - we're our own worst enemies. but it's like when i try to adjust....whatever may be going on in my head...imagine the part of your psyche that governs things like thoughts and emotions is a circuit board. well it's like i sometimes feel like mine has shorted out and is wired differently, and i can't remember why it's wired like that. there's a relation to this circuit board and the room i described earlier. seriously. and whatever it is, it's causing conflicting feelings.
for instance, having been single for over a year, i figure i should be lonely every now and then. and i suppose i am, but it's more like the ghost of that feeling. what's more tangible to me is, when i even stop to ponder the very concept of a new relationship, the feeling that accompanies the thought. at first it feels like playful anger, sort of like a "oh HELL no!" kind of response. but i know what it really is. i remember just recently half slumbering in the passenger seat of my brother's car, coming home from either a bar or a friend's house, and having this thought sort of drift around in my head. and that thought was (and this is hard for me to type, but here it is anyways) that i never wanted to get married. never ever ever ever. and it sucks, and i KNOW this, but it's like i can't stop it. hell, i can even JUSTIFY it. i look around and i see people breaking up with other people for silly, stupid reasons. i see emotional chaos everywhere. everyone is crazy. everything is in flux.
and maybe that should bind us all, right? i don't know. what i need to do (and what i've been trying to do) is peel away all of this armor that has somehow (broken furniture, faulty circuit boards) surrounded and attached itself to me. i don't want it.
i have no outline in mind, so i'm just gonna ramble. i have no idea how short or long this will be, or what exactly i'll, uh, reveal, for a lack of a better word.
obviously i absolutely suck when it comes to getting over a break-up. geez louise. i mean, don't get me wrong - i'm pretty much ok. well, specifically it's almost like i'm ok and not ok at the exact same time. i'm open with people (at least i try to be - more on that later), i'm probably the most self-confident i've ever been, i have direction, and at times i feel connected with...everything. it's an amazing feeling when it happens. but peel back a few layers, and i know something's wrong. it's hard to explain. the sense i get, i described briefly on FB (in a typical cryptic metaphor): it feels like i'm walking into a forgotten room full of broken furniture.
i try to hold on to the belief that maybe deep down inside people are inherently good, and that there's order to all the chaos. maybe we'll all linked, and we're all crazy in our own ways but somehow that all makes sense - like a giant jigsaw puzzle. but then i feel myself slip away from those ideals. or we'll say that something PULLS me away from it. we can also say that this thing is in the room full of broken furniture...or IS the room itself.
(i think in pictures. be prepared for some more.)
i realize that i'm standing in my own way. it's what we all do - we're our own worst enemies. but it's like when i try to adjust....whatever may be going on in my head...imagine the part of your psyche that governs things like thoughts and emotions is a circuit board. well it's like i sometimes feel like mine has shorted out and is wired differently, and i can't remember why it's wired like that. there's a relation to this circuit board and the room i described earlier. seriously. and whatever it is, it's causing conflicting feelings.
for instance, having been single for over a year, i figure i should be lonely every now and then. and i suppose i am, but it's more like the ghost of that feeling. what's more tangible to me is, when i even stop to ponder the very concept of a new relationship, the feeling that accompanies the thought. at first it feels like playful anger, sort of like a "oh HELL no!" kind of response. but i know what it really is. i remember just recently half slumbering in the passenger seat of my brother's car, coming home from either a bar or a friend's house, and having this thought sort of drift around in my head. and that thought was (and this is hard for me to type, but here it is anyways) that i never wanted to get married. never ever ever ever. and it sucks, and i KNOW this, but it's like i can't stop it. hell, i can even JUSTIFY it. i look around and i see people breaking up with other people for silly, stupid reasons. i see emotional chaos everywhere. everyone is crazy. everything is in flux.
and maybe that should bind us all, right? i don't know. what i need to do (and what i've been trying to do) is peel away all of this armor that has somehow (broken furniture, faulty circuit boards) surrounded and attached itself to me. i don't want it.