Wrote this a while back... decided to post it here..
Oh, the hypocrisy!
Okay, time for MySpace Stuff that Annoys Emilie! Because my opinion counts, darn it! (not really, but still).
Point of Contention #1
Internet disease pictures. What is "internet disease", you ask? I stole the term from Encyclopedia Dramatica. Internet disease is when people make themselves suitable for exhibition on the Internets by way of severely doctored, angled, and ill-lit photos.
Anyone at all can look good with the right lighting, the right makeup, the right angle, and a little of the old Photoshop (or GIMP for those of us who are cheap and use freeware). Believe me. That's why so many supermodels are ugly as sin. Seriously, they are. They have good bodies and all, but their faces are ugh. A perusal of www.supermodels.nl confirms this (although some are gorgeous). Anyways, the point is that it doesn't take much nowadays to make an ugly person look damned good.
Emfwa's Guide to MySpace Photography
MySpace photos should be "artsy", "trendy", and flattering.
Step 1: Take a picture of yourself at an extreme downward angle. This will accentuate your eyes and face, make your face look more narrow and slender, and even if you're a little on the chunky side (like yours truly), it will take about 50 pounds off of you (if you're already skinny, beware of dissappearing). If you are anorexic, have any other eating disorder, or simply like the bony look, it's good to take body pics from angles that accentuate your hipbones. Make sure you suck it in, and stretch out with your arms up to make your ribs show up better.
2.) Greyscale and weird colors are your friends. So is the good ol' gaussian blur and other filters. Low quality and fuzziness smooths out imperfections, erasing acne and cellulite. Black and white is trendy and artsy.
3.) No picture should show all of your face or all of your body. Popular and on-the-trend are greyscale pics that show half your face and involve a motion blur (easily applied using Photoshop), but still showcase your super-trendy giant brown sunglasses and Louis Vuitton/Coach/Gucci/Prada/whatever purse.
4.) Not a preppy? No problem! Emo kids can be MySpace-tastic too! Wear lots of eyeliner. Greyscale is super-depressing! Be sure to add depressing, poetic captions too. You know, like, "Lost Soul", or like, "Desperation is the core of this withdrawal" (MY LINE! MY POEM! USE AND DIE! MEEEERGH!), or good old "Darkness consumes my soul".
Point of Contention #2
Overly crowded, illegible, tiny-texted, and overly transluscent profiles. I mean, stylistically, maybe to some people teeny tiny 8-point text looks good. But I can't read it. And a little transluscence can be okay I guess, but people like jack up the transparency to where one cannot read anything or see anything. I guess legibility is passe or something.
Emfwa's Guide to a Super Scene Myspace Profile
1.) Don't do it yourself on a MySpace editor. Be sure to get a prefab one that takes forever to load.
2.) Make sure the listings on your custom contact table for "message", "friend", etc. have nothing to do with what they correspond with. For example:
Send a Message = "darkness lives inside my soul"
Add as Friend = "suicide is our only hope"
Block This Person = "i <3 fallout boy"
3.) Invisible things are fun! Be sure to make everything completely transparent.
4.) Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny text.
5.) Be sure to use a really weird layout that scrambles things around. The harder it is to find your pictures, info, and contact table, the better.
Point of Contention #3
Those bulletins people post when their Myspaces get a virus or whatever. You know, the stuff that's like "FREE WEBCAM GIRLS! BOOBS! ASS!" or like, "MYSPACE PROFILE TRACKER! IT REALLY WORKS!"! Or that perennial favorite, "FREE iPODS! FREE PS3s! FREE Wii!"
There is no such thing as a fucking profile tracker. And furthermore, if you feel the need to know who's looking at your profile, you're either conceited or paranoid. If you're afraid of who's seeing your profile, set it to private. It's that simple.
Also, to whoever makes these myspace viruses or whatever, go die in a ditch somewhere, because if that's how you spend your time you are a serious waste of oxygen. I mean, geez, if you want to h4x0r5, do it right! Hack into a government database or something.
Another annoying bulletin type is the "Repost this or die" kind. Are people really that superstitious? Don't get me wrong, I'm as guilty of reposting those as anyone, but still.
That's enough for one day.
~Emfwa~