October 10th, 2009 2:52am
Each day goes by quicker and quicker
and quicker and quicker
and quicker
There seems to be no end to it
time is always flowing
the world continues to spin
people wake and bustle about their business
children are trained over years to remove imagination, erase wonder
everything gets worse and worse and worse
it never even
stops
for a second
The rain sounds so peaceful
i wish to go join it
dance in it naked and feel it come down upon me
i like the rain
even if i have no control over it
it is soothing to me
simple
free
perfect
Today I looked through a lot of my drawings
spanning from childhood to a very near past
such imagination
and it continues today
even if it is in other forms
rarely, sometimes, i go to my world again
to the universe i created
and fiddle with the characters and story they are in
it is my place
no one others
i am not power hungry or a controlling person
i just enjoy it
as most people enjoy their homes
for it is comforting and fit for me
It is becoming more difficult to explain this process i'm in
this..situation
because although it holds the same principle of destroying me it varies by intensity and variety
i have no control and am hopeless as well
also, it is becoming harder for me to contain myself as well
i fear that even my almost total isolation isn't enough and that i must subtract all contact from persons entirely
no visits
no text messages
no calls
no facebook
no aim
nothing
but will this really even help?
it seems the best course to take despite it being foolish
another way to describe my goal is to implode rather than explode
though i feel that explosion will no doubt be the end despite what i prefer
I have recovered mostly from most of my crushes
though of course it is still hard to see them in person, but it is not intolerable
one of which however, i seem to be thinking of the most lately
no matter how logically and reasonably i go from one to the next in what is best for them, i seem persistent to enforce my opinion on Her in particular anyways
the other i like very much as well is...more complicated to explain
not the person but the close relationship with them
though i have talked to them and they are understanding of my multiple heart-felts along with my predicament in general
which of course i am very glad and thankful for their acceptance and understanding of
Why her though? i've thought
I understand all of them, their problems, the fears they have, the dreams they desire, so on and so forth; but for the life of me I am very very concerned and wanting for Her
Yes....wanting
I hate the urge
How it flows through you and begins the inner conflict
Yes, No
Do, Dont
Wait, Act
Pursue! Withdraw!
It goes on and on forever
And I have done this many times
I have gotten over it, many times
I still talk to them all, like them alot even, but either have control of or have erased that feeling
But this has done something which is very unusual and has not occured before that I can remember...
It has...returned
Arisen, revived, regenerated, undone its undoing
The feeling returns and although I have control over it I know without a doubt when i see her again my willpower will drop to it's knees and weep
Why
How
It does not matter
Reasons do not solve what is questioned, only elaborate
I am going through this, for I must
I am longing for Her once more, because I do
It is what it is
I want to tear my body apart
Shred every bit of me over and over
Break this cage and all it's bones
Escape from this flesh and blood peeling and chopping away
I want to scream the unheard madness
Roar chaos with fiery breath
Yell with such terror and promise that even god will cower
I want this all to be over
Even if I must do it myself
You may think this is just a symptom of my present status
Indeed it is
But what you fail to realize is that it is released through this state
It has always been there
And always will be
No matter what
The same goes for you
and you
and you
and you
Along with everyone else
It will always be there
Always hungry
Never full
Starved in darkness
Waiting for the right time
The right moment
To devour as much as it can
Even if that means starting with you
I don't know what else to say.
I guess I'll just leave it at that
and quicker and quicker
and quicker
There seems to be no end to it
time is always flowing
the world continues to spin
people wake and bustle about their business
children are trained over years to remove imagination, erase wonder
everything gets worse and worse and worse
it never even
stops
for a second
The rain sounds so peaceful
i wish to go join it
dance in it naked and feel it come down upon me
i like the rain
even if i have no control over it
it is soothing to me
simple
free
perfect
Today I looked through a lot of my drawings
spanning from childhood to a very near past
such imagination
and it continues today
even if it is in other forms
rarely, sometimes, i go to my world again
to the universe i created
and fiddle with the characters and story they are in
it is my place
no one others
i am not power hungry or a controlling person
i just enjoy it
as most people enjoy their homes
for it is comforting and fit for me
It is becoming more difficult to explain this process i'm in
this..situation
because although it holds the same principle of destroying me it varies by intensity and variety
i have no control and am hopeless as well
also, it is becoming harder for me to contain myself as well
i fear that even my almost total isolation isn't enough and that i must subtract all contact from persons entirely
no visits
no text messages
no calls
no facebook
no aim
nothing
but will this really even help?
it seems the best course to take despite it being foolish
another way to describe my goal is to implode rather than explode
though i feel that explosion will no doubt be the end despite what i prefer
I have recovered mostly from most of my crushes
though of course it is still hard to see them in person, but it is not intolerable
one of which however, i seem to be thinking of the most lately
no matter how logically and reasonably i go from one to the next in what is best for them, i seem persistent to enforce my opinion on Her in particular anyways
the other i like very much as well is...more complicated to explain
not the person but the close relationship with them
though i have talked to them and they are understanding of my multiple heart-felts along with my predicament in general
which of course i am very glad and thankful for their acceptance and understanding of
Why her though? i've thought
I understand all of them, their problems, the fears they have, the dreams they desire, so on and so forth; but for the life of me I am very very concerned and wanting for Her
Yes....wanting
I hate the urge
How it flows through you and begins the inner conflict
Yes, No
Do, Dont
Wait, Act
Pursue! Withdraw!
It goes on and on forever
And I have done this many times
I have gotten over it, many times
I still talk to them all, like them alot even, but either have control of or have erased that feeling
But this has done something which is very unusual and has not occured before that I can remember...
It has...returned
Arisen, revived, regenerated, undone its undoing
The feeling returns and although I have control over it I know without a doubt when i see her again my willpower will drop to it's knees and weep
Why
How
It does not matter
Reasons do not solve what is questioned, only elaborate
I am going through this, for I must
I am longing for Her once more, because I do
It is what it is
I want to tear my body apart
Shred every bit of me over and over
Break this cage and all it's bones
Escape from this flesh and blood peeling and chopping away
I want to scream the unheard madness
Roar chaos with fiery breath
Yell with such terror and promise that even god will cower
I want this all to be over
Even if I must do it myself
You may think this is just a symptom of my present status
Indeed it is
But what you fail to realize is that it is released through this state
It has always been there
And always will be
No matter what
The same goes for you
and you
and you
and you
Along with everyone else
It will always be there
Always hungry
Never full
Starved in darkness
Waiting for the right time
The right moment
To devour as much as it can
Even if that means starting with you
I don't know what else to say.
I guess I'll just leave it at that