i'm a little embarrassed about it, but
this cracked article made me cry because i related so closely with it. i don't like to talk about it often, but i grew up in a pretty poor household. all of my friends come from well-off middle class families, so it's hard to make them understand what my family's situation was like, and often feel as though i don't have a right to complain. i've always had a roof over my head and food on the table, even when it was peanut butter and jelly for a week or skipping couches while my mom looks for our next apartment: it was still food and shelter.
and i think a part of me is was -- and still is -- just embarrassed about the way i grew up to the point where i feel like i need to hide it from people. my mom only spoke of it in hushed tones, and i gotta admit there's a certain and deeply-embedded shame that comes with leap-frogging cockroaches to get to your bed at night.
but this article, man. it's addressing the small details of every day life i didn't know other people shared. this guy gets it. he understands that a shortage of cash means you can't buy in bulk, no matter how many people tell you it's cheaper in the long run. that extra $5 that comes with the 24 pack of toilet paper isn't just $5, that's the difference between the electricity being on and off. there is no such thing as fresh vegetables, there are hamburger helpers and canned green beans. there was back to school shopping, there were no medicine cabinets, there were no doctors visits when i was sick. there was a worn-down mother, constant worry, and the ever-present knowledge that you are different and that if you talk about it with other kids mom gets a funny look on her face.
i think what particularly struck me was the focus on bad habits. with my financial aid money and my job, i live a fairly comfortable life. i always have pocket money and i often put some away in a savings account. despite this, many of the old money-saving necessary to my childhood are still with me. i don't buy long sleeves shirts because they can't be worn in the summertime and i hoard all of my old clothes just in case i'll need them one day. i only buy new pants when my current pair wear down, and i haven't bought new glasses since 8th grade because the ones i have yet to disintegrate on my face (though they're only hanging on by the will of god by this point). the last time i bought new tennis shoes was because my other pair literally fell off my feet. i only recently started taking fucking aspirin.
it's all so unreasonable. i'll buy a steak dinner at a restaurant, but i can't bring myself to drop $30 on a coat in the dead of winter in the midwest? come on.
yet i just can't and this guy understands exactly why. it's nice to have a relief from the burdens i didn't even know i was carrying.
perhaps i could even begin operation: winter coat.