Ummm
I almost don't really know what to say in here anymore. I'm just lonely and tired. I'm so fucking broke that I had to borrow money just to get my fucking medication because I lost my insurance. This job has been great for me in some ways, but it's really been costing me a LOT of money in transportation. I have to get cabs home almost every night. No one lives in my area, and honestly the friends that I was making in the start I've drifted from, at least to some extent. I tried to keep an open mind and talk to every one, but the more I talked to people the less I found myself liking them in a lot of cases. People are so nice to one another and so critical behind each other's backs... I just hate all that stuff. I just feel so distant and disconnected these days. I still talk to most everyone, but overall I'm not feeling as comfortable and happy about the job as I was before. I can handle the people, but until I get paid on Friday I have no food and no money. I'm going to have to hit up a food bank this week, in fact. At least I finally have my bills paid... but that left me with practically nothing. I might have to try and sell some stuff to see if I can get by this week.
Now that I'm out of school I can't really use the counselling center anymore. I've been seeing a psychiatrist down at St. Clare's and I'm finally hoping to set up something a little more long term, which is likely going to be the case. The doctor seems to think that I have OCD, which was pretty not-surprising to me, but it's strange to hear someone else say that.
My self-esteem is really the shits these days. I feel completely defective. I'm more than a little hurt that the guy I was involved with two months ago who adamantly said he wasn't ready for a relationship appears to be dating some girl. I can't keep myself from thinking that there's seriously something wrong with me, when most every time a guy has said, "I don't want a relationship" it just means that he doesn't want one with ME.
What pisses me off the most is the fact that it pisses me off so much. I know full well that the desperation vibe is incredibly unattractive, and that I never had a boyfriend in the first place until I was able to shake it... but I just can't seem to shake it now. It's just hard to convince yourself of the fun of being single when none of those fun things are happening to you. Instead you're paying $15 for a cab home from your stupid job at 12:30 every goddamn night while you watch every other girl get picked up by their stupid, car-owning boyfriends. It just makes me urge. It makes me physically ill. I'm just too bitter and cynical for life these days. And I really think it shows. I just don't know how else to be when I'm in bed alone every night, and when I constantly have to wonder where my next meal is coming from.
In summary, I hate men, I hate working in Mount Pearl, I hate being broke and hungry, I pretty much hate everything. Meh.
Now that I'm out of school I can't really use the counselling center anymore. I've been seeing a psychiatrist down at St. Clare's and I'm finally hoping to set up something a little more long term, which is likely going to be the case. The doctor seems to think that I have OCD, which was pretty not-surprising to me, but it's strange to hear someone else say that.
My self-esteem is really the shits these days. I feel completely defective. I'm more than a little hurt that the guy I was involved with two months ago who adamantly said he wasn't ready for a relationship appears to be dating some girl. I can't keep myself from thinking that there's seriously something wrong with me, when most every time a guy has said, "I don't want a relationship" it just means that he doesn't want one with ME.
What pisses me off the most is the fact that it pisses me off so much. I know full well that the desperation vibe is incredibly unattractive, and that I never had a boyfriend in the first place until I was able to shake it... but I just can't seem to shake it now. It's just hard to convince yourself of the fun of being single when none of those fun things are happening to you. Instead you're paying $15 for a cab home from your stupid job at 12:30 every goddamn night while you watch every other girl get picked up by their stupid, car-owning boyfriends. It just makes me urge. It makes me physically ill. I'm just too bitter and cynical for life these days. And I really think it shows. I just don't know how else to be when I'm in bed alone every night, and when I constantly have to wonder where my next meal is coming from.
In summary, I hate men, I hate working in Mount Pearl, I hate being broke and hungry, I pretty much hate everything. Meh.