Bobo
Sooo I've been out of school a couple weeks now. I'm finally getting things taken care of and I'm going to start the job hunt within the next couple days. I guess that I've been putting it off a little though... I dunno. I guess I just kinda feel afraid. Starting job searching means that something could come out of it or I could be waiting forever and getting a super shitty job... and more than anything else it makes this whole thing real. But to be honest, I'm starting to get bored and boredom only makes the loneliness I've been feeling a million times worse... so it's time to start looking and start doing something with my time.
It's only now that I'm really starting to experience the loneliness from mine and Colin's breakup. When Chad started hitting on me, my initial reaction was "fuck off, I just broke up with my boyfriend." Of course that changed, and I guess I just had my hopes up so high. I wasn't feeling as alone because I was focusing on the fact that there was a guy who wanted to hang out with me and I that I wouldn't have to rely on my girl friends (who all have boyfriends of their own) to hang out with me to actually go out and have a good time. We made so many plans to hang out, go to movies, do this and that... and I was really excited by that. It really helped to soften the blow from the breakup. I mean... I didn't necessarily want a relationship with him as such, and I knew he didn't want to be in one either right now. But I at least thought we would hang out and have a good time, and that's really all I wanted right now. But things changed, so so much. And I still don't know why. He barely talks to me, and if I do bring it up he never gives me a straight answer. I haven't even seen him since that fucking party. But yeah... I honestly feel like my being incredibly hung up on this jerk is mostly because I'm just sooo fucking lonely. And honestly I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me. I just don't understand how he can have such a turn around. Is it my personality? Am I not pretty enough? I remember joking around and telling him about how hanging out with someone after talking to them online for awhile could be weird, and I said "what if you hang out with me and you don't even like me??" And he went on about how he really didn't think that was possible. And that's EXACTLY what fucking happened. I just fucking wanna know why... I don't understand, and the fact that I probably never will as I talk to him less and less is just sooo incredibly frustrating to me.
It's not that I would just go after any guy out of sheer loneliness. I'm not that desperate. I just never expected to like him so much. Besides being an asshole I really thought he had a lot to offer. I thought he was interesting and smart and he actually cared about stuff. He was a fantastic photographer. I dunno. He just really fucking appealed to me for some reason. And for things to end up like this... goddamn. Plus this really isn't a time where I'm especially capable of handling heartbreak, both from him and from Colin. I'm exhausted every day, just trying to keep up conversation and pretend that I'm not on the verge of crying constantly. I have to hide that I have a knot in my stomach from the time I wake up until the time that I eventually fall asleep. Things just keep getting worse and worse, and everything I try to hold on to just keeps getting pulled out from under me. It makes me hate humanity that one person could cause me so much fucking pain and not even care enough to be honest with me, or tell me he's sorry. No one has any fucking compassion, and this world is a bleak fucking place.
I'm really sorry if my entries lately have been major depressing. I just need to get this shit out sometimes. I have a journal that I write in... but my hand gets too fucking tired haha. So what's left over tends to spill onto this. But anyways... here's my life. I think I might be sick.
It's only now that I'm really starting to experience the loneliness from mine and Colin's breakup. When Chad started hitting on me, my initial reaction was "fuck off, I just broke up with my boyfriend." Of course that changed, and I guess I just had my hopes up so high. I wasn't feeling as alone because I was focusing on the fact that there was a guy who wanted to hang out with me and I that I wouldn't have to rely on my girl friends (who all have boyfriends of their own) to hang out with me to actually go out and have a good time. We made so many plans to hang out, go to movies, do this and that... and I was really excited by that. It really helped to soften the blow from the breakup. I mean... I didn't necessarily want a relationship with him as such, and I knew he didn't want to be in one either right now. But I at least thought we would hang out and have a good time, and that's really all I wanted right now. But things changed, so so much. And I still don't know why. He barely talks to me, and if I do bring it up he never gives me a straight answer. I haven't even seen him since that fucking party. But yeah... I honestly feel like my being incredibly hung up on this jerk is mostly because I'm just sooo fucking lonely. And honestly I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me. I just don't understand how he can have such a turn around. Is it my personality? Am I not pretty enough? I remember joking around and telling him about how hanging out with someone after talking to them online for awhile could be weird, and I said "what if you hang out with me and you don't even like me??" And he went on about how he really didn't think that was possible. And that's EXACTLY what fucking happened. I just fucking wanna know why... I don't understand, and the fact that I probably never will as I talk to him less and less is just sooo incredibly frustrating to me.
It's not that I would just go after any guy out of sheer loneliness. I'm not that desperate. I just never expected to like him so much. Besides being an asshole I really thought he had a lot to offer. I thought he was interesting and smart and he actually cared about stuff. He was a fantastic photographer. I dunno. He just really fucking appealed to me for some reason. And for things to end up like this... goddamn. Plus this really isn't a time where I'm especially capable of handling heartbreak, both from him and from Colin. I'm exhausted every day, just trying to keep up conversation and pretend that I'm not on the verge of crying constantly. I have to hide that I have a knot in my stomach from the time I wake up until the time that I eventually fall asleep. Things just keep getting worse and worse, and everything I try to hold on to just keeps getting pulled out from under me. It makes me hate humanity that one person could cause me so much fucking pain and not even care enough to be honest with me, or tell me he's sorry. No one has any fucking compassion, and this world is a bleak fucking place.
I'm really sorry if my entries lately have been major depressing. I just need to get this shit out sometimes. I have a journal that I write in... but my hand gets too fucking tired haha. So what's left over tends to spill onto this. But anyways... here's my life. I think I might be sick.