(no subject)
So I'm not dead. Yet. It's been close.
At first, I wasn't posting because I moved and Verizon was being shitty and not connecting my service and refusing to admit there was a problem on their end when it totally was a problem on their end and not on mine. The first four days or so without internet was okay, I could get what I needed on my phone, and I spent time catching up on reading. After four weeks, however, it wasn't okay anymore. It took threats to cancel service and demands for repayment for them to fix it. So, internet.
Then Jay and I split up. So I've either been drunk or hungover pretty much for the last two weeks. But that's not healthy, so I need to stop that. I'm fucking miserable, but it was a train wreck, and in the end it's all for the best. Five years is a long damn time to spend with someone. It's going to be a long time before I feel like a real human being again, able to have real conversations.
It's been two weeks and the overwhelming sense of panic hasn't really gone away. I'm fine when it's just me and Crabby Cat at home (which is odd, because normally, most people simply cannot stand to be home alone with just them and their thoughts). But as soon as I leave the house and am around any number of people, I feel like I'm on the verge of a full blown panic attack. I've had a couple of panic attacks and had to leave work. Riding the metro is the worst - confined spaces, tunnels, too many people, noise, and I can't cope with it. I've never had even the slightest inkling of claustrophobia before, ever. Now the metro makes me absolutely crazy. I'm generally okay at work, too, as long as no-one talks to me and no-one asks me any questions.
My biggest concern is that I have absolutely no idea how to go on dates, how to meet guys. I never had to do it. I've been to a bar with a large group of friends, but never with the intention to meet a guy. I've never been to a club or a big party or anything like that. I have no idea how to act at one. I'm going to feel like a total retard, learning at 24 what most people learn at 18 or 20. Normally I've been old my entire life. This will be the first time I've ever been "immature" or "developmentally delayed."
I'm sure there will be many stories about how much of an arse I've made of myself.
At first, I wasn't posting because I moved and Verizon was being shitty and not connecting my service and refusing to admit there was a problem on their end when it totally was a problem on their end and not on mine. The first four days or so without internet was okay, I could get what I needed on my phone, and I spent time catching up on reading. After four weeks, however, it wasn't okay anymore. It took threats to cancel service and demands for repayment for them to fix it. So, internet.
Then Jay and I split up. So I've either been drunk or hungover pretty much for the last two weeks. But that's not healthy, so I need to stop that. I'm fucking miserable, but it was a train wreck, and in the end it's all for the best. Five years is a long damn time to spend with someone. It's going to be a long time before I feel like a real human being again, able to have real conversations.
It's been two weeks and the overwhelming sense of panic hasn't really gone away. I'm fine when it's just me and Crabby Cat at home (which is odd, because normally, most people simply cannot stand to be home alone with just them and their thoughts). But as soon as I leave the house and am around any number of people, I feel like I'm on the verge of a full blown panic attack. I've had a couple of panic attacks and had to leave work. Riding the metro is the worst - confined spaces, tunnels, too many people, noise, and I can't cope with it. I've never had even the slightest inkling of claustrophobia before, ever. Now the metro makes me absolutely crazy. I'm generally okay at work, too, as long as no-one talks to me and no-one asks me any questions.
My biggest concern is that I have absolutely no idea how to go on dates, how to meet guys. I never had to do it. I've been to a bar with a large group of friends, but never with the intention to meet a guy. I've never been to a club or a big party or anything like that. I have no idea how to act at one. I'm going to feel like a total retard, learning at 24 what most people learn at 18 or 20. Normally I've been old my entire life. This will be the first time I've ever been "immature" or "developmentally delayed."
I'm sure there will be many stories about how much of an arse I've made of myself.