(no subject)
I now understand why my anorexic friend at university was so obsessed with strawberries. For something that filling and that delicious, they contain surprisingly little in the way way of calories.
There are issues with getting physically stronger, and one of these is that when your GIC does something very stupid and inconvenient when you are already blindingly stressed (Brexit, went to see Doug yesterday, moderate trouble at work, trying to stay on top of book writing, sudden interest in learning to program/electronics-and-robotics-related-stuff, sleep deprivation, a partner who will not learn to accept that sleep deprivation and continual food restriction do not make me the most relaxed and laid back of people - also when the fuck have I ever been "relaxed" and "laid back" about anything?!), when you lose your temper in the face of other partner's amused indifference (both of them have been doing a lot of LOL I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW UPSET YOU ARE recently) at the intractability of the universe, it's a lot easier to hurt yourself a lot more. No broken hand this time, but I won't be using my arm well for quite some time.
I want to say things are getting easier and some of them are, but major issues keep resurfacing: I feel trapped by biology (cis men are not rooted to one spot by the need for regular injections, or by waiting for FUCKING SURGERY), by finances (why can't i just be rich goddamn), by relationships (somedays i love you and need you, other days i wish you would both fucking disintegrate and let me disappear), and now by the tightening of travel laws around my country. Beginning to understand a lot better why my mother basically threw her life out of the window the second I was out of her hair and ran away to Peru.
Have just eaten a punnet of strawberries and am working my way through fruit cider. More work on my tattoo later this week will, Gods willing, be accompanied by weed. I think I may just decide to have a lot of weed. but i am definitely at the part of the sleep/wake cycle where i don't feel connected to anyone or capable of connecting to anyone.
There are issues with getting physically stronger, and one of these is that when your GIC does something very stupid and inconvenient when you are already blindingly stressed (Brexit, went to see Doug yesterday, moderate trouble at work, trying to stay on top of book writing, sudden interest in learning to program/electronics-and-robotics-related-stuff, sleep deprivation, a partner who will not learn to accept that sleep deprivation and continual food restriction do not make me the most relaxed and laid back of people - also when the fuck have I ever been "relaxed" and "laid back" about anything?!), when you lose your temper in the face of other partner's amused indifference (both of them have been doing a lot of LOL I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW UPSET YOU ARE recently) at the intractability of the universe, it's a lot easier to hurt yourself a lot more. No broken hand this time, but I won't be using my arm well for quite some time.
I want to say things are getting easier and some of them are, but major issues keep resurfacing: I feel trapped by biology (cis men are not rooted to one spot by the need for regular injections, or by waiting for FUCKING SURGERY), by finances (why can't i just be rich goddamn), by relationships (somedays i love you and need you, other days i wish you would both fucking disintegrate and let me disappear), and now by the tightening of travel laws around my country. Beginning to understand a lot better why my mother basically threw her life out of the window the second I was out of her hair and ran away to Peru.
Have just eaten a punnet of strawberries and am working my way through fruit cider. More work on my tattoo later this week will, Gods willing, be accompanied by weed. I think I may just decide to have a lot of weed. but i am definitely at the part of the sleep/wake cycle where i don't feel connected to anyone or capable of connecting to anyone.