(no subject)
Playing a fun game called "but WHY does that upset you and what precisely IS this emotion" a lot at the moment.
I have diversified my emotional portfolio over the last year to go from "angry, sex-angry, and mine" to approaching the emotional range of a human being who is, oh, at least five! I can almost do sadness now. I've identified "anxious", "uncomfortable", and "intimidated", and also things like "tired" and sometimes "hungry" although I still mistake that for "the world is ending", "hatred", and "fuck this flesh prison".
Having a go at "why is it 900000 times more awful to visit Doug in hospital than in the cafe", and not allowing myself to stop at just "because hospital" or even "my experiences of hospitals have been very negative" or even "i have been taken to hospitals against my will a lot". Wandered off into territory labelled "you don't experience things the way people are supposed to experience them", namely:
Concern from others = anger from others, punishment, scolding, guiiiilt
Excitement = stress, fear, anger
Care from others, especially active care = P U N I S H M E N T, invasion, loss of self, guilt
Pleasant sensation = absence of disappointment / anxiety about it being removed / possibility that I am being set up / suspicion, anxiety.
Quite a lot gets run through a very fast converter through guilt/anxiety into anger/defensiveness, especially things that in a sane person shouldn't have any relationship to those feelings. I feel far guiltier and more unpleasant about doing something nice for a stranger than being indifferent to them or actively horrible and hostile? Being shitty feels safer because it's congruent with a protective self-image of myself as a fucking nasty person? Being kind is dangerous?
I DON'T KNOW NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY LOGICAL SENSE except that it does.
[lengthy awkward therapy session this week to do with childhood role as counsellor/not having any choice over absorbing other people's shit but being informed that I did (bit of a false choice, really: sit in the unheated car outside for hours on your own with no food or come inside the building where you will be praised and energetically treated like a weird brilliant prodigy for getting involved in what, in hindsight, is an exceptionally creepy set of circumstances).
Dr V is still harping on the "what would you do if I expressed sympathy towards you" chord and I am still playing an angry defensive power ballad of THERE WOULD BE A MURDER AND I WOULD NOT COME BACK, as that is the only other option besides "laugh that shit off" or "completely belittle it in my head as something people are mandatorially required to do as part of the social contract."]
On the non-crazy front, I am slowly building up the planning file for the stupid book series via conversations with people and I'm up to a very frustrating stage in editing NBO, which is that aside from one or two bulk rewrites and introductions etc (which I'm stalling on because it's much harder to write new stuff than cut things out or correct them) I'm also farked for progress because everyone's very busy and can't get back to me on the specialist knowledge sections. This is what I get for having Expert Friends who also have Lives.
Unfortunately this thing is on a deadline with reality. It needs published before everything in it starts to be History.
I have diversified my emotional portfolio over the last year to go from "angry, sex-angry, and mine" to approaching the emotional range of a human being who is, oh, at least five! I can almost do sadness now. I've identified "anxious", "uncomfortable", and "intimidated", and also things like "tired" and sometimes "hungry" although I still mistake that for "the world is ending", "hatred", and "fuck this flesh prison".
Having a go at "why is it 900000 times more awful to visit Doug in hospital than in the cafe", and not allowing myself to stop at just "because hospital" or even "my experiences of hospitals have been very negative" or even "i have been taken to hospitals against my will a lot". Wandered off into territory labelled "you don't experience things the way people are supposed to experience them", namely:
Concern from others = anger from others, punishment, scolding, guiiiilt
Excitement = stress, fear, anger
Care from others, especially active care = P U N I S H M E N T, invasion, loss of self, guilt
Pleasant sensation = absence of disappointment / anxiety about it being removed / possibility that I am being set up / suspicion, anxiety.
Quite a lot gets run through a very fast converter through guilt/anxiety into anger/defensiveness, especially things that in a sane person shouldn't have any relationship to those feelings. I feel far guiltier and more unpleasant about doing something nice for a stranger than being indifferent to them or actively horrible and hostile? Being shitty feels safer because it's congruent with a protective self-image of myself as a fucking nasty person? Being kind is dangerous?
I DON'T KNOW NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY LOGICAL SENSE except that it does.
[lengthy awkward therapy session this week to do with childhood role as counsellor/not having any choice over absorbing other people's shit but being informed that I did (bit of a false choice, really: sit in the unheated car outside for hours on your own with no food or come inside the building where you will be praised and energetically treated like a weird brilliant prodigy for getting involved in what, in hindsight, is an exceptionally creepy set of circumstances).
Dr V is still harping on the "what would you do if I expressed sympathy towards you" chord and I am still playing an angry defensive power ballad of THERE WOULD BE A MURDER AND I WOULD NOT COME BACK, as that is the only other option besides "laugh that shit off" or "completely belittle it in my head as something people are mandatorially required to do as part of the social contract."]
On the non-crazy front, I am slowly building up the planning file for the stupid book series via conversations with people and I'm up to a very frustrating stage in editing NBO, which is that aside from one or two bulk rewrites and introductions etc (which I'm stalling on because it's much harder to write new stuff than cut things out or correct them) I'm also farked for progress because everyone's very busy and can't get back to me on the specialist knowledge sections. This is what I get for having Expert Friends who also have Lives.
Unfortunately this thing is on a deadline with reality. It needs published before everything in it starts to be History.