(no subject)
1. A sizeable enough proportion of people whose friendship I felt secure enough in - not close, not affectionate necessarily, but secure in - turn out to despise me.
2. I have a prodigious talent for upsetting one of my partners daily. One of the others is not speaking to me and hasn't for a long time spoken to me without me contacting her first. Lindsay continues to Lindsay, because we have grown into each other like trees in the same hedgerow. I do not think he would choose me if given the choice.
3. It is, on almost any given day where I do not spend the entire day with people and away from the internet and my own thoughts, only a matter of time before I come to the conclusion that I/the world/the people I love would be better off if I wasn't alive.
4. I am currently very fixated on cutting through the veins in my left arm.
5. Growing inured to the horrors the current administration is unleashing upon us, in an apathetic sort of misery which now acknowledges how many people are going to die of exposure and malnutrition, and how likely it is that there will be some form of public violence again this summer.
6. I keep trying to lower my expectations but the world keeps limboing on under lower and lower.
7. I tell myself I used to manage perfectly well without anyone and without people's interest driving my creative work, that I used to read more, that it does me no harm to either strive for that or learn to stop being so disappointed by everything.
8. I've lived most of my life without ambition or self-esteem and I still manage to find ways to fail and be injured I can't go any lower: but it always turns out that I can.
9. I wrote back to my grandmother and the effort of lying to her perkily for a whole two hundred words nearly wiped me out. Here are some facts which are technically true, wrapped up in a blanket of bullshit consisting mostly of pretending that I have plans to be alive by the time we can see each other or that I particularly car if I ever see another member of my family ever again.
10. I cannot. Stop. Crying. All the fucking time. Every. Single. Day. Crying. It is driving me up the wall.
2. I have a prodigious talent for upsetting one of my partners daily. One of the others is not speaking to me and hasn't for a long time spoken to me without me contacting her first. Lindsay continues to Lindsay, because we have grown into each other like trees in the same hedgerow. I do not think he would choose me if given the choice.
3. It is, on almost any given day where I do not spend the entire day with people and away from the internet and my own thoughts, only a matter of time before I come to the conclusion that I/the world/the people I love would be better off if I wasn't alive.
4. I am currently very fixated on cutting through the veins in my left arm.
5. Growing inured to the horrors the current administration is unleashing upon us, in an apathetic sort of misery which now acknowledges how many people are going to die of exposure and malnutrition, and how likely it is that there will be some form of public violence again this summer.
6. I keep trying to lower my expectations but the world keeps limboing on under lower and lower.
7. I tell myself I used to manage perfectly well without anyone and without people's interest driving my creative work, that I used to read more, that it does me no harm to either strive for that or learn to stop being so disappointed by everything.
8. I've lived most of my life without ambition or self-esteem and I still manage to find ways to fail and be injured I can't go any lower: but it always turns out that I can.
9. I wrote back to my grandmother and the effort of lying to her perkily for a whole two hundred words nearly wiped me out. Here are some facts which are technically true, wrapped up in a blanket of bullshit consisting mostly of pretending that I have plans to be alive by the time we can see each other or that I particularly car if I ever see another member of my family ever again.
10. I cannot. Stop. Crying. All the fucking time. Every. Single. Day. Crying. It is driving me up the wall.