COME ON THEN

[apiphile]

Okay so here it is, one of my biggest bugbears is people who insist they know better than I do what I'm thinking/how I feel. Especially people who have know personal knowledge of my thought processes and emotional states and are interpreting through an intermediary such as, say, my writing or my clothing or the fact that I have my eyes closed. This includes psychiatrists who haven't bothered to, I don't know, have more than ten minutes' conversation. It just makes me want to grind broken glass into their faces because it's basically unsolicited ownership and attempts at mind control and I DISLIKE THESE THINGS. Some assumptions about intentions are inevitable and necessary for survival purposes ("I'm black, that dude just laughed at a black joke, I suspect I cannot trust him to have my back against institutional instances of racism" / "I'm a lady, that guy looks creepy, POTENTIAL RAPIST"), but when it's shit like I CAN TELL FROM YOUR CHARACTER'S OPINIONS THAT YOU HATE VEGETARIANS and no matter how often I point out that CHARACTER!=AUTHOR I just get the same garbage back about "the characters you choose to write" and "trying to be edgy" (because I said "I don't find people who have no problem suppressing their negative urges to be particularly interesting"), I begin to wonder if I could just maybe slip some cyanide into their wheatgerm.

BUT.

Supposing they're all totally correct, and every opinion a character expresses in my writing is a deeply-held conviction of my own?
Let's play that game! YOU CAN JOIN IN TOO.

Here is a nice list of things which I apparently now am/believe/have done, drawn from my writings.

+ A murderer. Among the many, many people I've killed, I can include my own father! With a pipe!
+ In an incestuous relationship with either a sibling or my father!
+ Paying people in drugs so that they'll let me fuck them
+ A prostitute
+ A rock star
+ A hit man
+ A cage fighter
+ A drug dealer
+ A cult leader
+ Sexually dominant
+ Sexually submissive
+ A switch
+ Trans
+ Straight
+ A cis dude
+ Black
+ Pregnant
+ Pregnant ... in my butt
+ Addicted to cocaine
+ Prone to manipulating my flatmate into finding me passed out so that he'll take care of me
+ Multi-lingual
+ Capable of time-travel
+ A werewolf
+ In an army
+ A doctor
+ Technically immortal
+ Living in the 1940s
+ An alcoholic
+ Impossibly wealthy
+ A fucking wizard
+ A FAUN
+ Living in 50BC
+ A devoted follower of old gods
+ The captain of a pirate ship
+ Castrated
+ A physicist
+ Imprisoned until my death in Dachau
+ Living in the 1960s/70s
+ Shagging my uncle for personal gain
+ Having sex with an android
+ A mutant
+ In Auschwitz
+ A member of Mossad
+ Irish
+ A small businessperson
+ A butler
+ A Little Person
+ A sorcerer/voodoo practitioner
+ A teacher
+ A political spin doctor
+ Resurrected from the dead
+ A serial killer
+ A spy
+ Living in Manchester
+ Involved in a relatinship with a sentient cephalopod
+ Impregnated by an alien
+ Sexually assaulted a muppet
+ Sticking my fingers up a werewolf's butt while he's sleeping for NON SEXUAL purposes
+ Guarded by two bodyguards
+ Living in Paris
+ A compulsive liar
+ A consulting detective
+ Impeccably-dressed
+ Repressed as all hell
+ Prone to attacking people with sledgehammers/baseball bats
+ A female boxer
+ An ABSO-holder
+ An undercover policeman
+ Misogynist, racist, homophobic
+ Under 10.
+ My boyfriend turned into a cat
+ A Classicist
+ A massive fan of stadium rock
+ A bigamist
+ A parent
+ Anorgasmic
+ Asexual
+ Non-corporeal
+ An astronaut
+ An activist
+ Studying politics and sociology
+ Blue-haired
+ Blue-skinned
+ Revolted by tattoos
+ Revolted by vaginas
+ A robot
+ A lapsed and longing muslim
+ Fanatic christian sect member
+ A lizard-person
+ A cat-person
+ Haunted by the ghost of the boyfriend I killed
+ Technically a paedophile
+ Living on Jersey
+ Drinking myself to death
+ A 40-a-day smoker
+ Fucking a giant scorpion
+ A stage magician
+ A god
+ A rapist
+ Responsible for the creation of the earth
+ More interested in propriety than loyalty
+ Too crazy for language
+ Illiterate
+ Have a stoned octopus living in my butt
+ Impregnated by a car
+ QUEEN OF FRANCE, or rather a dirty addict spoilt brat who dresses up as her

What does your writing say that you are?