posting primarily to revel in this icon.
Well, that will have winnowed out a few people. I'm not really going to spend much time on obsessions beyond shouting "OMFG EAMES/ARIADNE" and stuffing my hand into my mouth so that none of the rest of it hits the uninterested morass of LJ, and making grand Kasper-esque proclamations that The Indelicates #knowmypain. Oh, and that - frustrating and swear-inducing and melodramatic though college is, I am thoroughly enjoying it.
I was about to say somethin about still being insane (boy am I ever; would you like sleep, Delilah? Well tough, you're going to lie awake spooling through worse and worse feelings and images and then cry for a while, paralysed on the spot, because if you tell your friends they'll hate you), and then say "but you don't care about that", but I figured that was unfair. There are people who care quite a lot and have a remarkable amount of patience with my periodic I HATE EVERYONE KILL YOURSELVES YOU ARE ALL EVIL spasms (I don't think it's any coincidence that at least three of the names on that list are people who have similar, er, flare-ups themselves), who even have the unbelievable fortitude to drag themselves out of holes when they'd far rather be hiding, just to assure me that they're okay.
There are other friends who are not stable enough to be leaned on (something I can definitely empathise with now and then) and there are people whom - as I keep lecturing myselftheliar but as ever cannot take my own goddamn advice - are acquaintances rather than friends, and whom I would be a lot happier with if I just remembered that fact and stopped expecting them to react the way that friends do. You can't force intimacy where there is none, and it's no one's fault if they're scared of you. Etc., etc. I should ask neither them nor me to change, frankly. At this point I'm not going to get any quieter or less ... uh ... mean, and they aren't going to get any less them, either.
I'm in the habit of shrugging off old friendships that have run their course, to the point where it becomes violently uncomfortable to see people around; but I'm also a hoarder, and I think if these things cannot be salvaged they can at least be something other than "more evidence of my embarrassing failure to keep people interested in me" the way I used to. Some things don't have the staying power.
Thinky thoughts because spooling through my brain at 3am was painful but revelatory - yes, I obviously suck and am worse than everything that has ever existed in the entire world etc. But it is refreshing to think about which friendships have endured (in the light, when it's not past my bedtime and I'm not frantically shouting LET ME SLEEP I HAVE TO BE UP IN THREE HOURS) instead of picking myself apart over the Wonderful Things that went to shit.
People who let me be my own weird, angry, stupid, offensive, disgusting else and aren't repelled by my clumsy attempts to fix them when things are far too wrong. People who Got Your Back whenever, people who don't say Be Reasonable until I'm actually capable of *being reasonable*, people who may not Know The Right Thing To Say but who are quite aware that the Wrong Thing is better than No Thing. Sandra, Maud, Shira, Liza, Mill, Jess, Nny, Ruthi, Marika, Megan, Amanda, Lindsay, thank you from the bottom of whatever is producing these icky FEELINGS that grown-ups have for existing and for making my existence better, bearable, happier, and longer by turns. Thank you for being occasionally bewildered but rarely if ever judgemental. Thank you for pointing out when I'm doing something wrong without telling me that my entire existence is wrong. Thank you for being clever, brave, human, modest, fallible, supportive, silly, generous, loyal, and the best things to have happened in my life. I could honestly write reams and reams about why each of you is amazing, but I think you'd be even more embarrassed than you are right now. :P
I mean, I know that there are few things that brought this on: pride (one of my friends is trying her hand at something new and scary), shared gooshy feelings with a mutual human over another, time spent with, the desire to go all-out and murder people for one of the others, a usual dose of sap, and the fact that one of the others - I am sorry for the crypticness, and I assure you this has nothing to do with relationships in the big-R sense - has just casually granted an eight-year-old wish of mine as if she was doing herself a favour instead of me.
But did occur to me that it would suck bigtime if I were to die without letting you know just how much I love you.
I will now post this before I start having second thoughts.