(no subject)
I found this entry from around this time last year (Nov. 7):
"A cross-section of what's on my mind this week:
1. Will I ever catch up on Latin so as to escape the ever-approaching wrath of a certain principal and guidance counselor?
2. (directly related to above) Will I ever be able to correctly translate anything from the ablative tense?
3. What is the most effective way to teach an entire Spanish unit in half an hour?
4. What makes a good friend--and am I even close to being one for anyone?
5. What makes a youth group? What makes an active church?
6. Will thinking about my future ever stop making me feel like I'm trying on clothes a few sizes too big?
7. Will I ever take an active step toward starting my future?"
These resonate well with my present state. Replace #1 with Japanese. Replace #2 with voiced hiragana.
Add:
8. How do I know when I'm doing it for God? How do I know when I'm just spinning my own wheels?
9. How do I find balance? How do I effectively balance the roles of christian, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, church member, disciple, senior, future-college student, future-pastor, etc? How do I make these things a part of a richer whole rather than a split mess?
10. How do I help a grandfather who's deteriorating faster than I can keep up? How do I help him to find the peace I can't seem to find for myself?
11. How do I reach out and nurture others when I feel myself falling apart?
12. How do I do it all and still find renewal?
13. How do I find God in the busyness?
14. How?
I feel like I move out of one transition and into another. Sometimes I like it--I like to keep moving. Other times I wonder why I don't let myself just stay put for a while.
I'm taking a lot of small steps right now, and trying to make them add up.
I've been much more intentional about my rest, and about spiritual disciplines since it is the next section we're covering in the candidacy process. I wish that that's not what it took to get me focusing again, but sometimes it just has to come from somewhere. I'm also trying to be much more intentional about what I do and why I do it and when.
One other intentional aspect is my weight. When I'm stressed, I eat. I've been eating way too much, and it's showing. I'll never go on a diet. I don't do diets, but I need to be more intentional about exercise--even about walking places instead of waiting for a ride. And I need to be more intentional about what I eat when. Regular meals--fine. Snacking twenty times a day--not. Since my mom and I go to see my grandpa almost every night, food usually happens on the go. On the go means fast food where even the "healthy" options aren't so much. On the go means a dinner of cheese and crackers and m&m's (and more snacks later on). I think writing it down will help keep me in check.
Time with family. Time with friends. There's easily enough work with school, college, scholarships, and church to let these things slip. I'm trying my best to make the time. There are times when there just isn't enough time but I'm finding that there are many more where I find incredible renewal in making the time for those amazing people in my life.
Grandpa. My grandpa is a lot of steps forward and a lot of steps backward. Sometimes I have to numb myself so that I can nurture him the best I know how. Sometimes I break down but it makes me more human, and to the same end it helps me to nurture him better. He is a man who has made a lot of mistakes, but who hasn't? He's a man I love, and not knowing how long he has or doesn't have left, I want what's left to be his best. I think I, along with the rest of the family, want this year or these years to be the best he lost out on the rest of his life. These are the days that are just for him. It's a struggle, though, to find what makes them the best.
Prayer. I have been so numb lately that I have struggled to pray. I'm working it back in though because that prayer keeps me going; that conversation keeps me going. A little more God makes me a lot more sane.
I might add though:
Christmas was good. Really good.
This one image is enough to sustain me:
We went to get my grandpa early in the morning and brought him to our house while my mom and I opened presents. Just as we thought he was asleep we looked over and saw him smiling and laughing with his eyes closed and his face tilted toward the ceiling. He was listening to "his girls" and he was at peace.