Always Was, Is and Always Shall Be - a #GUN/Jooheon fanfic.
Pairing: Song Gunhee/Lee Jooheon
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 4000+
Chapters: One shot.
Notes: Thigh fucking and feelings.
Gunhee wishes he had been more subtle.
He isn’t sure what gave it away at first. There was a lot to look at when it came to Jooheon, and Gunhee wasn't going to lie to himself and say he hadn't looked. A lot. He's practically got him mapped at this point, between stolen glances that he'd hoped had gone unnoticed back when it had just been the four of them, to longer glances that he'd allowed himself when they performed. There are no angles to the way Jooheon looks, everything about him is soft but it was always his thighs that tripped Gunhee up, made him stop for a second or two more than what was necessary, what was normal, and it's somehow harder to be subtle when everyone's eyes are on you.
This whole thing, it's all fucked and everyone knows it. The judges, the trainees - hell, probably half the viewers if they aren't naive enough to believe everything that's fed to them. There are the public's favourites, sure, but a large part of that is because they're made to look desirable. If Gunhee lacks in subtlety, it's nothing compared to the way this show is run.
The PDs and camera crews, they nudge them gently, set interview questions that'll garner a response that makes the audience simper. Sympathy's given to those who have been here longer, but everyone knows they're the first to go. The weak links are thrown under the bus because everyone knows they don't stand a chance. In the end, it doesn't really matter how hard they push themselves; every single one of them is held tightly by the balls and they have to play nice because what other choice do they have?
Competitions, survival shows, social experiments, it doesn't matter. Reality is a flexible word, malleable in the right hands.
Gunhee thinks that Jooheon's the most real thing about all of this. That scares him, sometimes, having thoughts like that.Thoughts like that are too close to something Gunhee doesn't want to put a name to yet. Hell, maybe not ever, he doesn't want to breach it at this point. He knows it'll always be something when it comes to Jooheon, but he's got bigger things to think about right now.
One of them is the first round of performances. Gunhee knows they'll be filming for hours in order to get enough airtime to stretch out across a few episodes, and he's not up for ages but the nerves still have him tapping a foot noisily against the floor. Shownu has wrapped up his performance nicely with a sweeping of good and easily critical comments and then Jooheon's up next, Kwangji squeezing his knee and grinning at him before Jooheon's told to stand-by. A chorus of "good luck" follows him out of the room but Gunhee says nothing, taking in the way that Jooheon's holding his water bottle so hard the plastic cracks. They all spend a minute or two congratulating Shownu when he comes back, chatting using small words and tight grins because none of them can afford to relax.
Jooheon knows he's good. No, he knows he's a whole lot better than good and that he's got this, but that doesn't stop him from shaking a little on his way to the stage. It's part excitement to be sure, but there's a whole lot more nerves than he's used to.
The nerves seep backstage, too. Everyone's leaning forward a bit on their chairs, hands folded in their laps or on their knees playing with fraying threads on the outfits the stylists helped pick out. Gunhee watches Jooheon step to the centre of the stage on the TV mounted in one corner of the room and breathes through his teeth when Jooheon grins at the panel and puts his dimples on show.
They always got to him too. His thighs, and his dimples, and just him. Everything about Jooheon was too much for Gunhee sometimes. He didn't get a lot of time to think about it these days, and he was thankful for that. There were some days Jooheon was easy and things between them were natural, were comfortable. Jooheon teasing him and pulling his cap down so far it covered his eyes, his laugh high-pitched and light.
But there were days things weren't so easy, and days things made less sense. Gunhee didn't like feeling like he was missing something, and when Jooheon lazily and idly settles his entire weight against Gunhee, or when he's pressed so close against him when they're swapping lyrics so that there's no breathe room, Gunhee feels like he has to take a step back to get himself in check.
But it's alright. Jooheon's his best friend and he doesn't have to figure things out now. He's not as sure of his position as Jooheon is, but he's sure enough that he figures he's got time to think about it later when the pressure's not so heavy and the camera's aren't always around.
Now the music's starting and those who weren't paying attention whip their heads around. They've only got the luxury of one camera feed backstage, and even though they can hear the panel's comments, they can't see their reactions during the performance. What they can see, and what Gunhee can see, however, is the way the camera angles from the ground up, panning from the floor to take in all of Jooheon as he performs.
Gunhee thinks this isn't fair. At one point Jooheon's thighs take up the whole screen, clad in denim tight enough to show how thick they are from hip to knee. Half of them in the room are enjoying themselves and the performance. Kihyun's to Gunhee's left and he's smiling openly and Minkyun's to his right chirping and chipping in with wonder and praise and Gunhee can only hope and pray that neither of them notice that his breath has gotten that much more shallow.
He holds the tip of his tongue between his top and bottom lips and keeps his eyes trained on the screen. The performance ends strongly and everyone else claps, chiming in with "wows" one after the other but Gunhee keeps his hands clasped firmly in his lap. He doesn't think it'll go over to well with the rest of them if they notice he's having a bit of a situation right in the middle of the room.
"Jooheon's really good." Kihyun comments, for the cameras mostly because that goes without saying and Gunhee laughs shakily.
"How do we beat that?" he throws back, and hopes he's covered himself. The back of his neck feels hot and he wonders if it'd be too suspicious if he excused himself before it came around to his turn.
When Jooheon comes back Gunhee doesn't look at him, doesn't even acknowledge he's there until Jooheon's stood in front of him with his hand outstretched. He clasps his hand in his for a second, just like the others did, just as a congratulations for an impressive performance but he keeps on arm over his lap and keeps his face passive.
He tries not to think about it. It gets easier as the circle moves around because he can't get distracted now, no matter how distracting Jooheon is. He talking with Kwangji mostly, bumping shoulders with him every so often so Gunhee allows himself to look so he can get it out of his system before he goes to the stage. Not for any great length of time, just every so often in a vague attempt to piece this all together before he runs out of time to think about it. Jooheon catches him once, twice, three times and two of them Gunhee's staring at his thighs and no-where else and Gunhee almost seizes up, noticeably, obviously but he then just grins at Jooheon before trying to get Shownu's attention to make small talk.
If Jooheon thinks anything of it, he doesn't say.
Gunhee's own performance passes in a blur, and he feels the familiar thrum of want and desire surge through him when he's on that stage. His skin pricks and flushes and he feels so alive that he almost forgets that this is all a farce. No matter what else happens here, he loves performing. He loves music and he loves the sound of his own voice when it's thick with passion and vitality. When all this is over, when it stops being him against them and starts being them against other idols he still wants to hold on to this. He wants his family to be proud and he wants to provide and most of all he wants to feel like this, just this until the day he dies.
He still feels it in his fingers after the panel is done with him, after he makes his way backstage. He catches Jooheon lifting his hands and putting his fingers in Gunhee's own self created sharp gesture and if Gunhee feels his chest swell and if Jooheon pulls him in a little closer and lets his hand linger a little too long on Gunhee's shoulder, well, Gunhee can't say that he doesn't take it in his stride.
Things don't stay so easy after that. Gunhee thinks Jooheon knows at this point, but he can't ask because he's not even sure if he knows himself. It's all in the practices when Jooheon presses the palms of his hands against the meat of his own leg, thumbs massaging imaginary cramps away or in the times after showers where Jooheon mysteriously can't find anything bigger than a hand towel to cover his lower half.
But maybe he's just messing with him. Maybe it's just Gunhee.
Or maybe it isn't.
One night Gunhee gets in later than he intended, having taken the bullet and stopping off at a convenience store to pick up a list the length of his arm that contains snacks requested and itemized by everyone in the dorm. Hyungwon's section takes up almost a quarter of the slip of paper and he had to go further than he would have liked to for a drink brand that Minkyun preferred, but the kid had asked so nicely that Gunhee didn't have it in him to turn him down, even if the trip did take him half an hour longer.
When he gets back to the dorm everyone's either asleep or holed up in one of the rooms watching something, a movie probably, around a single laptop from what Gunhee can hear. He drops the bags on the counter, divides out the change and then starts to work his way through sorting everything between the cupboards and the fridges.
Minkyun and Jooheon potter in to the kitchen area ten minutes later and Minkyun makes a beeline for the fridge, a small sound of delight coming from his throat when he sees a can that's so clearly for him tucked in to the shelf at the front. He thanks Gunhee brightly and grabs a few other things to take back to the room where everyone else is gathered, closing the fridge door with his foot before he goes.
Jooheon isn't so quick to leave. Gunhee's not looking, but he knows he's there, can feel it in the way the weight of Jooheon's gaze settles heavily on his shoulders. For once, he's not comfortable in Jooheon's company and finds himself clearing his throat as he sorts through the bags faster than he had been.
"Anything for me?" Jooheon says, and Gunhee grabs a packet of chews from off the counter and tosses them over his shoulder in a way that's far too casual for how ridiculously nervous he feels just being alone with Jooheon.
Gunhee knows it's silly, that he's just too stressed and is blowing the tiniest things out of proportion (they all are - Yoosu nearly slammed Seokwon's hand in a door yesterday because Seokwon had cracked his joints so much it set Yoosu on edge) but that doesn't change the fact that he can't decide what he wants more, for Jooheon to leave him be or for Jooheon to crowd him in to the counter. Jooheon does neither and instead pops open the bag of chews - Gunhee can hear him do it - and remains standing where he is. Gunhee's done with putting the stuff away now and can't occupy himself any longer, so he has no choice but to turn and face Jooheon.
He's got some chews in his mouth, and Gunhee can see his dimples popping out and in and he's rooted, and then Jooheon reaches down to tug up the leg of the loose fitting shorts he wore to bed, index finger scratching idly at a spot on his thigh. Gunhee's eyes track every minute motion. He's staring too openly and he knows it but Jooheon is pulling the hem up higher still, exposing more of his thigh as he goes and Gunhee can't help it.
He knows. He has to. There's no way he can't by now.
It's almost like Jooheon is daring Gunhee to do something about it, and God, Gunhee wants to but there's so much of him that worries that he's getting this all wrong. That he's getting Jooheon wrong or that's he getting himself wrong just because they're in this situation. And even if he's not, what happens if they fuck things up? What happens if they make it through this, but things between them have shifted to such a degree that there's no way they can go back?
Gunhee can handle not getting what he wants if it means he doesn't have to lose Jooheon in the process.
"Gunhee." Jooheon says, breaking up Gunhee's own self-tortured thought process. He's looking at him in a way that's so open that it makes Gunhee's chest heave and he knows that apart from winning this, he's never wanted anything more in his life. He's come to terms with it now at least, but that's only half of the battle.
Gunhee's mouth opens but he's at a loss. The air's so thick around him and Jooheon's walking closer, one shorts leg up and one down and he'd look stupid if Gunhee wasn't so focused on the way his thighs moved together. Jooheon's got him pressed against the counter now and there's no other way to read this situation but Gunhee's still so unsure.
"You're making it really" he says, breaking the silence again, "really hard not to kiss you right now."
And it's out there. It's out in the open and Gunhee can't take it back, and Jooheon can't unhear it and it's up to them what they're supposed to do with it.
"Go on, then." Jooheon says after a beat, and Gunhee would think he was trying to goad him in to it if he weren't continuously licking his bottom lip. He's just as nervous about all of this as Gunhee is, he's just much better at hiding it.
Gunhee moves his hands from the counter either side of him to Jooheon's shoulders, then to his face, then to his neck before he decides to just slip one around his back and let the other do all the work when the time comes. Jooheon's a picture of patience on the outside, but Gunhee can feel his breath on his cheeks, coming faster than normal and he decides that dragging this out is just going to make it worse.
When he kisses Jooheon it's nothing like he imagined (and yes, he had imagined) and it's not like he's disappointed, but he just doesn't know how to work with this completely new territory. Thankfully he doesn't have to figure it out alone, because Jooheon drops the bag on the counter behind Gunhee and takes Gunhee's face in his hands, pressing their lips almost impossibly closer. The hammering inside Gunhee's head and inside his chest starts to subside just a little because suddenly all his worries seem ridiculous. No matter what happens after this, Gunhee thinks they'd work with it, or work through it, depending. They play rivals for the cameras, and there is so much competition between them already, but before all of that Jooheon is still his best friend.
Jooheon's mouth is a whole lot softer now and Gunhee's lips open on the exhale and Jooheon takes his chance to move things along. He almost wants to smile at how idiotic he feels, because he could have had this much sooner if he hadn't been so neurotic. He wants more, and maybe that's selfish and maybe it isn't, but as Jooheon runs his tongue along Gunhee's teeth, Gunhee takes the chance to put his other hand on Jooheon's back to bring him just that must closer. Jooheon's slightly turned on, and it's hard to hide that when you're wearing pyjama shorts but Gunhee can't be embarrassed about it because he's halfway there himself.
"So..." Jooheon breathes, pulling back just as far as he can will himself.
"Yeah." Gunhee agrees, before swearing at Jooheon. "You knew this whole time, didn't you?"
Jooheon snickers. "I think I knew before you did. Do you know how obvious you are? You do realise this is a survival show and not a dating show, right?"
"Shut up." Gunhee says, but there's no bite behind it.
"How far are we taking this?"
"What, in the future or right now?"
"Right now. We can talk about the other thing later, but honestly, right now I need to know if we going to do something about this" he gestures between them, looking pointedly down, "or if I'm going to have to fight Wonho for his shower time slot."
Gunhee bites his lip before nodding, realising too late that Jooheon hadn't asked a yes-or-no question. He pushes Jooheon away from him, just far enough so that he can slip out before he takes Jooheon by the wrist and leads him in to the storage room where they all keep their mats and accessories that aren't being used.
"Honestly, Jooheon, there's something I really want to try." Gunhee says in a rush, closing the door behind them. There's no lock, but unless the others finish up with their movie any time soon, there's no reason to lock the door. Gunhee kicks a couple of shoeboxes in front of it just in case.
"Yeah?" Jooheon says, and it's got that cocky lilt that makes Gunhee's palms sweat.
Gunhee pushes him back against the only free wall space and kisses him again, fingers slipping up the back of Jooheon's hoodie. He wants it off, he wants everything off but he knows that they're in no position to do anything too involved, and so he lets his fingers slide back down to the waistband of Jooheon's shorts instead.
He takes a step back to unbutton his own jeans, kicking them off and trying not to bristle under Jooheon's scrutiny.
"You think if I asked nicely, Kihyun would come in and give us some appropriate mood music?" Jooheon asks, and Gunhee almost hits him.
"Turn around." He tells Jooheon, and although he looks curious, Jooheon doesn't ask and does and Gunhee tells him to. Gunhee slips his own boxers off, stepping out of them and kicking them to the side before he slides Jooheon's off. He takes longer with this part, allowing his fingers to graze down Jooheon's thighs as he went.
He can feel as well as hear Jooheon laugh against him. "Yeah, I had noticed that too." Is all he says, and Gunhee knows exactly what he means. He really hadn't been subtle at all.
Gunhee's almost fully hard now and it really doesn't help that he's been thinking of doing exactly this for weeks. Jooheon still doesn't ask but Gunhee can tell he's beyond curious by now, so when Gunhee flattens himself against Jooheon's back and nudges his legs apart with one knee, all Jooheon can say is a soft, low "oh" once he realises.
Gunhee pushes his dick in between Jooheon's thighs slowly at first, just to gauge if this worked in reality as well as it did in his head and it's all he can do not to let his legs fall out from under him. Jooheon catches on quick, pressing his thighs as close together as he can whilst still allowing for movement and when Gunhee pulls back and pushes forward again he's knocked closer to the wall. Gunhee pulls out completely and takes the time to run his tongue along the palm of his hand. He spits in it for good measure before giving himself a few quick jerks. It's disgusting, but it's the best they've got to work with at the moment, because it's not like any of them keep lube in the storage room.
He pushes back in between Jooheon's thighs, more force behind it this time and the friction hits him square in the gut. Unlike kissing Jooheon, this is so much more than what he imagined from the get go.
Jooheon's dick is trapped between the wall and the rest of him and he's fully hard now, and every time Gunhee pushes forward it hurts, it's got him sucking air in through his teeth and has his knees knocking against the wall so hard he's sure they're going to bruise. Gunhee snakes an arm around Jooheon's chest, anchoring his hand on his shoulder like a seatbelt, and fits his other hand to the curve of Jooheon's hip.
"Jesus." Jooheon says and then "touch me", and in any other circumstance hearing that coming from his mouth would have embarrassment curling up his spine, but he can't bring himself to care right now.
Gunhee snickers behind him, placing his chin on Jooheon's shoulder and puts his mouth by his ear. "Say it again."
"No." Jooheon snaps, and Gunhee pushes forward until Jooheon's flat against the wall, his dick against plaster and so he says "fuck, touch me".
Gunhee places his forehead against the back of Jooheon's neck, nose digging in to his skin, before trailing a hand down Jooheon's stomach until he's got his fingers curling around Jooheon's dick. It's too dry to be comfortable, but neither of them care at this moment in time because this has all been coming on too long. Gunhee's merciless as he jerks Jooheon off, and the sparks of pleasure and arousal that hit Jooheon like static have him pressing his legs even tighter together which only serves to make things that much better for Gunhee.
Gunhee will laugh later, joke about how this is just another step up in their excellent teamwork, first rap making then performing then sex, but right now it's just all about Jooheon, and there's nothing funny about the way he's pressing his lips to the back of Jooheon's neck as Jooheon comes over his hand and over the wall.
Jooheon wants to let himself crumple once the waves stop hitting him with such ferocity, but Gunhee's so close and so he uses the wall as leverage as Gunhee grabs him by the hips and slams in and out between Jooheon's thighs. Soon he's coming too, the sweat between Jooheon's legs making things easier and just that much better and it's such a mess they've made but neither of them care.
How can Gunhee care when Jooheon turns to him, skin flushed and smiling so hard that his dimples go deeper than Gunhee's ever seen them? How can Jooheon care when Gunhee's long bangs are matted against his forehead, and he's breathing just as hard as he does after a powerful performance?
Gunhee fits their foreheads together as he slots his mouth against Jooheon's again, pressing him back against the wall so he can kiss him deeper than he'd ever thought he'd be allowed to. He doesn't know what he was worried about, in the long run. Maybe they'll mess this up, sure. They're young and they're stupid, so who's to say they won't? But Gunhee's happy enough to let them have this, to let himself have this that he's too focused on what is to stress about what could happen.
After all, like he thought, Jooheon's the most real thing about all of this.
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 4000+
Chapters: One shot.
Notes: Thigh fucking and feelings.
Gunhee wishes he had been more subtle.
He isn’t sure what gave it away at first. There was a lot to look at when it came to Jooheon, and Gunhee wasn't going to lie to himself and say he hadn't looked. A lot. He's practically got him mapped at this point, between stolen glances that he'd hoped had gone unnoticed back when it had just been the four of them, to longer glances that he'd allowed himself when they performed. There are no angles to the way Jooheon looks, everything about him is soft but it was always his thighs that tripped Gunhee up, made him stop for a second or two more than what was necessary, what was normal, and it's somehow harder to be subtle when everyone's eyes are on you.
This whole thing, it's all fucked and everyone knows it. The judges, the trainees - hell, probably half the viewers if they aren't naive enough to believe everything that's fed to them. There are the public's favourites, sure, but a large part of that is because they're made to look desirable. If Gunhee lacks in subtlety, it's nothing compared to the way this show is run.
The PDs and camera crews, they nudge them gently, set interview questions that'll garner a response that makes the audience simper. Sympathy's given to those who have been here longer, but everyone knows they're the first to go. The weak links are thrown under the bus because everyone knows they don't stand a chance. In the end, it doesn't really matter how hard they push themselves; every single one of them is held tightly by the balls and they have to play nice because what other choice do they have?
Competitions, survival shows, social experiments, it doesn't matter. Reality is a flexible word, malleable in the right hands.
Gunhee thinks that Jooheon's the most real thing about all of this. That scares him, sometimes, having thoughts like that.Thoughts like that are too close to something Gunhee doesn't want to put a name to yet. Hell, maybe not ever, he doesn't want to breach it at this point. He knows it'll always be something when it comes to Jooheon, but he's got bigger things to think about right now.
One of them is the first round of performances. Gunhee knows they'll be filming for hours in order to get enough airtime to stretch out across a few episodes, and he's not up for ages but the nerves still have him tapping a foot noisily against the floor. Shownu has wrapped up his performance nicely with a sweeping of good and easily critical comments and then Jooheon's up next, Kwangji squeezing his knee and grinning at him before Jooheon's told to stand-by. A chorus of "good luck" follows him out of the room but Gunhee says nothing, taking in the way that Jooheon's holding his water bottle so hard the plastic cracks. They all spend a minute or two congratulating Shownu when he comes back, chatting using small words and tight grins because none of them can afford to relax.
Jooheon knows he's good. No, he knows he's a whole lot better than good and that he's got this, but that doesn't stop him from shaking a little on his way to the stage. It's part excitement to be sure, but there's a whole lot more nerves than he's used to.
The nerves seep backstage, too. Everyone's leaning forward a bit on their chairs, hands folded in their laps or on their knees playing with fraying threads on the outfits the stylists helped pick out. Gunhee watches Jooheon step to the centre of the stage on the TV mounted in one corner of the room and breathes through his teeth when Jooheon grins at the panel and puts his dimples on show.
They always got to him too. His thighs, and his dimples, and just him. Everything about Jooheon was too much for Gunhee sometimes. He didn't get a lot of time to think about it these days, and he was thankful for that. There were some days Jooheon was easy and things between them were natural, were comfortable. Jooheon teasing him and pulling his cap down so far it covered his eyes, his laugh high-pitched and light.
But there were days things weren't so easy, and days things made less sense. Gunhee didn't like feeling like he was missing something, and when Jooheon lazily and idly settles his entire weight against Gunhee, or when he's pressed so close against him when they're swapping lyrics so that there's no breathe room, Gunhee feels like he has to take a step back to get himself in check.
But it's alright. Jooheon's his best friend and he doesn't have to figure things out now. He's not as sure of his position as Jooheon is, but he's sure enough that he figures he's got time to think about it later when the pressure's not so heavy and the camera's aren't always around.
Now the music's starting and those who weren't paying attention whip their heads around. They've only got the luxury of one camera feed backstage, and even though they can hear the panel's comments, they can't see their reactions during the performance. What they can see, and what Gunhee can see, however, is the way the camera angles from the ground up, panning from the floor to take in all of Jooheon as he performs.
Gunhee thinks this isn't fair. At one point Jooheon's thighs take up the whole screen, clad in denim tight enough to show how thick they are from hip to knee. Half of them in the room are enjoying themselves and the performance. Kihyun's to Gunhee's left and he's smiling openly and Minkyun's to his right chirping and chipping in with wonder and praise and Gunhee can only hope and pray that neither of them notice that his breath has gotten that much more shallow.
He holds the tip of his tongue between his top and bottom lips and keeps his eyes trained on the screen. The performance ends strongly and everyone else claps, chiming in with "wows" one after the other but Gunhee keeps his hands clasped firmly in his lap. He doesn't think it'll go over to well with the rest of them if they notice he's having a bit of a situation right in the middle of the room.
"Jooheon's really good." Kihyun comments, for the cameras mostly because that goes without saying and Gunhee laughs shakily.
"How do we beat that?" he throws back, and hopes he's covered himself. The back of his neck feels hot and he wonders if it'd be too suspicious if he excused himself before it came around to his turn.
When Jooheon comes back Gunhee doesn't look at him, doesn't even acknowledge he's there until Jooheon's stood in front of him with his hand outstretched. He clasps his hand in his for a second, just like the others did, just as a congratulations for an impressive performance but he keeps on arm over his lap and keeps his face passive.
He tries not to think about it. It gets easier as the circle moves around because he can't get distracted now, no matter how distracting Jooheon is. He talking with Kwangji mostly, bumping shoulders with him every so often so Gunhee allows himself to look so he can get it out of his system before he goes to the stage. Not for any great length of time, just every so often in a vague attempt to piece this all together before he runs out of time to think about it. Jooheon catches him once, twice, three times and two of them Gunhee's staring at his thighs and no-where else and Gunhee almost seizes up, noticeably, obviously but he then just grins at Jooheon before trying to get Shownu's attention to make small talk.
If Jooheon thinks anything of it, he doesn't say.
Gunhee's own performance passes in a blur, and he feels the familiar thrum of want and desire surge through him when he's on that stage. His skin pricks and flushes and he feels so alive that he almost forgets that this is all a farce. No matter what else happens here, he loves performing. He loves music and he loves the sound of his own voice when it's thick with passion and vitality. When all this is over, when it stops being him against them and starts being them against other idols he still wants to hold on to this. He wants his family to be proud and he wants to provide and most of all he wants to feel like this, just this until the day he dies.
He still feels it in his fingers after the panel is done with him, after he makes his way backstage. He catches Jooheon lifting his hands and putting his fingers in Gunhee's own self created sharp gesture and if Gunhee feels his chest swell and if Jooheon pulls him in a little closer and lets his hand linger a little too long on Gunhee's shoulder, well, Gunhee can't say that he doesn't take it in his stride.
Things don't stay so easy after that. Gunhee thinks Jooheon knows at this point, but he can't ask because he's not even sure if he knows himself. It's all in the practices when Jooheon presses the palms of his hands against the meat of his own leg, thumbs massaging imaginary cramps away or in the times after showers where Jooheon mysteriously can't find anything bigger than a hand towel to cover his lower half.
But maybe he's just messing with him. Maybe it's just Gunhee.
Or maybe it isn't.
One night Gunhee gets in later than he intended, having taken the bullet and stopping off at a convenience store to pick up a list the length of his arm that contains snacks requested and itemized by everyone in the dorm. Hyungwon's section takes up almost a quarter of the slip of paper and he had to go further than he would have liked to for a drink brand that Minkyun preferred, but the kid had asked so nicely that Gunhee didn't have it in him to turn him down, even if the trip did take him half an hour longer.
When he gets back to the dorm everyone's either asleep or holed up in one of the rooms watching something, a movie probably, around a single laptop from what Gunhee can hear. He drops the bags on the counter, divides out the change and then starts to work his way through sorting everything between the cupboards and the fridges.
Minkyun and Jooheon potter in to the kitchen area ten minutes later and Minkyun makes a beeline for the fridge, a small sound of delight coming from his throat when he sees a can that's so clearly for him tucked in to the shelf at the front. He thanks Gunhee brightly and grabs a few other things to take back to the room where everyone else is gathered, closing the fridge door with his foot before he goes.
Jooheon isn't so quick to leave. Gunhee's not looking, but he knows he's there, can feel it in the way the weight of Jooheon's gaze settles heavily on his shoulders. For once, he's not comfortable in Jooheon's company and finds himself clearing his throat as he sorts through the bags faster than he had been.
"Anything for me?" Jooheon says, and Gunhee grabs a packet of chews from off the counter and tosses them over his shoulder in a way that's far too casual for how ridiculously nervous he feels just being alone with Jooheon.
Gunhee knows it's silly, that he's just too stressed and is blowing the tiniest things out of proportion (they all are - Yoosu nearly slammed Seokwon's hand in a door yesterday because Seokwon had cracked his joints so much it set Yoosu on edge) but that doesn't change the fact that he can't decide what he wants more, for Jooheon to leave him be or for Jooheon to crowd him in to the counter. Jooheon does neither and instead pops open the bag of chews - Gunhee can hear him do it - and remains standing where he is. Gunhee's done with putting the stuff away now and can't occupy himself any longer, so he has no choice but to turn and face Jooheon.
He's got some chews in his mouth, and Gunhee can see his dimples popping out and in and he's rooted, and then Jooheon reaches down to tug up the leg of the loose fitting shorts he wore to bed, index finger scratching idly at a spot on his thigh. Gunhee's eyes track every minute motion. He's staring too openly and he knows it but Jooheon is pulling the hem up higher still, exposing more of his thigh as he goes and Gunhee can't help it.
He knows. He has to. There's no way he can't by now.
It's almost like Jooheon is daring Gunhee to do something about it, and God, Gunhee wants to but there's so much of him that worries that he's getting this all wrong. That he's getting Jooheon wrong or that's he getting himself wrong just because they're in this situation. And even if he's not, what happens if they fuck things up? What happens if they make it through this, but things between them have shifted to such a degree that there's no way they can go back?
Gunhee can handle not getting what he wants if it means he doesn't have to lose Jooheon in the process.
"Gunhee." Jooheon says, breaking up Gunhee's own self-tortured thought process. He's looking at him in a way that's so open that it makes Gunhee's chest heave and he knows that apart from winning this, he's never wanted anything more in his life. He's come to terms with it now at least, but that's only half of the battle.
Gunhee's mouth opens but he's at a loss. The air's so thick around him and Jooheon's walking closer, one shorts leg up and one down and he'd look stupid if Gunhee wasn't so focused on the way his thighs moved together. Jooheon's got him pressed against the counter now and there's no other way to read this situation but Gunhee's still so unsure.
"You're making it really" he says, breaking the silence again, "really hard not to kiss you right now."
And it's out there. It's out in the open and Gunhee can't take it back, and Jooheon can't unhear it and it's up to them what they're supposed to do with it.
"Go on, then." Jooheon says after a beat, and Gunhee would think he was trying to goad him in to it if he weren't continuously licking his bottom lip. He's just as nervous about all of this as Gunhee is, he's just much better at hiding it.
Gunhee moves his hands from the counter either side of him to Jooheon's shoulders, then to his face, then to his neck before he decides to just slip one around his back and let the other do all the work when the time comes. Jooheon's a picture of patience on the outside, but Gunhee can feel his breath on his cheeks, coming faster than normal and he decides that dragging this out is just going to make it worse.
When he kisses Jooheon it's nothing like he imagined (and yes, he had imagined) and it's not like he's disappointed, but he just doesn't know how to work with this completely new territory. Thankfully he doesn't have to figure it out alone, because Jooheon drops the bag on the counter behind Gunhee and takes Gunhee's face in his hands, pressing their lips almost impossibly closer. The hammering inside Gunhee's head and inside his chest starts to subside just a little because suddenly all his worries seem ridiculous. No matter what happens after this, Gunhee thinks they'd work with it, or work through it, depending. They play rivals for the cameras, and there is so much competition between them already, but before all of that Jooheon is still his best friend.
Jooheon's mouth is a whole lot softer now and Gunhee's lips open on the exhale and Jooheon takes his chance to move things along. He almost wants to smile at how idiotic he feels, because he could have had this much sooner if he hadn't been so neurotic. He wants more, and maybe that's selfish and maybe it isn't, but as Jooheon runs his tongue along Gunhee's teeth, Gunhee takes the chance to put his other hand on Jooheon's back to bring him just that must closer. Jooheon's slightly turned on, and it's hard to hide that when you're wearing pyjama shorts but Gunhee can't be embarrassed about it because he's halfway there himself.
"So..." Jooheon breathes, pulling back just as far as he can will himself.
"Yeah." Gunhee agrees, before swearing at Jooheon. "You knew this whole time, didn't you?"
Jooheon snickers. "I think I knew before you did. Do you know how obvious you are? You do realise this is a survival show and not a dating show, right?"
"Shut up." Gunhee says, but there's no bite behind it.
"How far are we taking this?"
"What, in the future or right now?"
"Right now. We can talk about the other thing later, but honestly, right now I need to know if we going to do something about this" he gestures between them, looking pointedly down, "or if I'm going to have to fight Wonho for his shower time slot."
Gunhee bites his lip before nodding, realising too late that Jooheon hadn't asked a yes-or-no question. He pushes Jooheon away from him, just far enough so that he can slip out before he takes Jooheon by the wrist and leads him in to the storage room where they all keep their mats and accessories that aren't being used.
"Honestly, Jooheon, there's something I really want to try." Gunhee says in a rush, closing the door behind them. There's no lock, but unless the others finish up with their movie any time soon, there's no reason to lock the door. Gunhee kicks a couple of shoeboxes in front of it just in case.
"Yeah?" Jooheon says, and it's got that cocky lilt that makes Gunhee's palms sweat.
Gunhee pushes him back against the only free wall space and kisses him again, fingers slipping up the back of Jooheon's hoodie. He wants it off, he wants everything off but he knows that they're in no position to do anything too involved, and so he lets his fingers slide back down to the waistband of Jooheon's shorts instead.
He takes a step back to unbutton his own jeans, kicking them off and trying not to bristle under Jooheon's scrutiny.
"You think if I asked nicely, Kihyun would come in and give us some appropriate mood music?" Jooheon asks, and Gunhee almost hits him.
"Turn around." He tells Jooheon, and although he looks curious, Jooheon doesn't ask and does and Gunhee tells him to. Gunhee slips his own boxers off, stepping out of them and kicking them to the side before he slides Jooheon's off. He takes longer with this part, allowing his fingers to graze down Jooheon's thighs as he went.
He can feel as well as hear Jooheon laugh against him. "Yeah, I had noticed that too." Is all he says, and Gunhee knows exactly what he means. He really hadn't been subtle at all.
Gunhee's almost fully hard now and it really doesn't help that he's been thinking of doing exactly this for weeks. Jooheon still doesn't ask but Gunhee can tell he's beyond curious by now, so when Gunhee flattens himself against Jooheon's back and nudges his legs apart with one knee, all Jooheon can say is a soft, low "oh" once he realises.
Gunhee pushes his dick in between Jooheon's thighs slowly at first, just to gauge if this worked in reality as well as it did in his head and it's all he can do not to let his legs fall out from under him. Jooheon catches on quick, pressing his thighs as close together as he can whilst still allowing for movement and when Gunhee pulls back and pushes forward again he's knocked closer to the wall. Gunhee pulls out completely and takes the time to run his tongue along the palm of his hand. He spits in it for good measure before giving himself a few quick jerks. It's disgusting, but it's the best they've got to work with at the moment, because it's not like any of them keep lube in the storage room.
He pushes back in between Jooheon's thighs, more force behind it this time and the friction hits him square in the gut. Unlike kissing Jooheon, this is so much more than what he imagined from the get go.
Jooheon's dick is trapped between the wall and the rest of him and he's fully hard now, and every time Gunhee pushes forward it hurts, it's got him sucking air in through his teeth and has his knees knocking against the wall so hard he's sure they're going to bruise. Gunhee snakes an arm around Jooheon's chest, anchoring his hand on his shoulder like a seatbelt, and fits his other hand to the curve of Jooheon's hip.
"Jesus." Jooheon says and then "touch me", and in any other circumstance hearing that coming from his mouth would have embarrassment curling up his spine, but he can't bring himself to care right now.
Gunhee snickers behind him, placing his chin on Jooheon's shoulder and puts his mouth by his ear. "Say it again."
"No." Jooheon snaps, and Gunhee pushes forward until Jooheon's flat against the wall, his dick against plaster and so he says "fuck, touch me".
Gunhee places his forehead against the back of Jooheon's neck, nose digging in to his skin, before trailing a hand down Jooheon's stomach until he's got his fingers curling around Jooheon's dick. It's too dry to be comfortable, but neither of them care at this moment in time because this has all been coming on too long. Gunhee's merciless as he jerks Jooheon off, and the sparks of pleasure and arousal that hit Jooheon like static have him pressing his legs even tighter together which only serves to make things that much better for Gunhee.
Gunhee will laugh later, joke about how this is just another step up in their excellent teamwork, first rap making then performing then sex, but right now it's just all about Jooheon, and there's nothing funny about the way he's pressing his lips to the back of Jooheon's neck as Jooheon comes over his hand and over the wall.
Jooheon wants to let himself crumple once the waves stop hitting him with such ferocity, but Gunhee's so close and so he uses the wall as leverage as Gunhee grabs him by the hips and slams in and out between Jooheon's thighs. Soon he's coming too, the sweat between Jooheon's legs making things easier and just that much better and it's such a mess they've made but neither of them care.
How can Gunhee care when Jooheon turns to him, skin flushed and smiling so hard that his dimples go deeper than Gunhee's ever seen them? How can Jooheon care when Gunhee's long bangs are matted against his forehead, and he's breathing just as hard as he does after a powerful performance?
Gunhee fits their foreheads together as he slots his mouth against Jooheon's again, pressing him back against the wall so he can kiss him deeper than he'd ever thought he'd be allowed to. He doesn't know what he was worried about, in the long run. Maybe they'll mess this up, sure. They're young and they're stupid, so who's to say they won't? But Gunhee's happy enough to let them have this, to let himself have this that he's too focused on what is to stress about what could happen.
After all, like he thought, Jooheon's the most real thing about all of this.