I just put down 100x this on a new car, and i make more than it a month...
$50. That’’s how much i spent to send you some things i’d been collecting and holding onto for years because i thought you could use them. Nevermind that i hadnt heard back, didn’t know i was blocked, and the last time i was mentioned you had thanked me for supporting you in a video. The least you owe me is an explanation; how the hell do you not feel “safe” from me?!? I’m not a threat, I never was; the only thing i tried to show you was love. But fine, im glad you’re doing well with life 20 years later, you seem to be more at ease with your identity and im grateful that you are getting therapy because you need it. That’s not an insult, it’s acknowledging that i probably contributed to some trauma and i hope that you forgive me before the end of your life or mine.
Elle s’applle Iris parce qu’elle est triste
De ne sais jamais tous les chose qu’ils disent
Le chemin etre, le chemin voir,
le chemin agir etre comprendu
Today i got mine, and will keep this going as long as i want to because we deserve nice things.
He siad i have the body of a dancer, i doubt he’s been with any because i do not…
“They cannot hack an ‘us,’ we get to see each other all day” thank you for reminding me of the significance of Presence. This is new territory and I shall require some assistance with the navigation despite it usually being my specialty.
It is a joyous thing to be able to thrive and overcome.
I’m trying a new thing and it’s very frustrating but worth it when things go well. “They can’t hack ‘us’ " he says. Twice we’ve reset his phone to unblock me; still waiting on android to arrive. I never thought i’d be involved with someone who has so much drama out of his control but at least i can usually compartmentalize? Strangers are so difficult to befriend, so i go with the familiar despite the headaches and limitations; maybe its good for my anxiety to learn to trust the reality instead of my brain wanting to spin out.
The new car meant saying goodbye to the old car and in a way still had the feeling of “not ready yet, feels too soon to die” never having the proper amount of time to prepare to lose something that had been with me for so long. I get cravings for my old life; I want the best dissociative parts of it without the stress of toxic people. I know it felt like a tv series going on too long, maybe its more like the directors changed and the set needed updating? there'd already been a re-casting of characters.
These are a few things that need processing in a big way…
Well on my way to finding the regular karaoke and surprisingly cheap drinks making my feel like its 2008 again, without the enormity of undiagnosed depression and stress of financial survival.
this year is about solidifying the transition into a new life (stop looking at ghosts on the internet, Iris)